Thousands of children are tortured and raped repeatedly in private run juvenile prisons...let's keep this in mind.


Women, need to realize, that the fastest growing population of the Prison SEX RAPE SLAVERY businesses is in fact, WOMEN. That includes, WOMEN JAILED FOR SELF DEFENSE WHICH IN THIS NATION, SISTER, WE DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TOO, we are not MEN nor ANIMAL, women get 50 to Life for Self Defense, against rape, abuse, repeated abuse and torture. Even for not dying while getting beat near to death, a man can kill or torture a child, and the WOMAN-MOTHER will be the one who gets the longer time in prison [if he even gets charged], AND IF the woman gets sentenced with mental health--she can expect to be Lobotomized by force.



Bear with Me while I Work through Some Anger at the Patriarchy and Lies

Lately I've been letting loose at the mouth/writing a bit, prayed about this last night, while I am yes, really confronting what I strongly believe are a lot of misogynist and horrid doctrines and well the entire church culture is warped, and the harm it's caused in my life, dealing with the lost or stolen years that I can't get back, the anger, rage,

because I believed in a lot of those doctrines Even when I wasn't following Christ [backslid for years] I still believed in them and they did damage...internalizations you know so in coming back and dealing with these doctrines and well, the Culture more than anything, a lot of that anger is coming to surface and well, the Realization, of just how much I was indoctrinated...

anyway so I pray last night and I am separating from the culture per se but I do need to be careful to not allow myself to be pulled into another abyss of hate, wrath and anger that is just the other side of the coin. I removed one foul word [from the side bar] but not all from the blog posts [there were a few] and because, well,

the Anger and Rage are real...from real Pain, not just my own but what I identify with that Other women feel and that I know because I read their stories and hear them...and for too long we have been Denied our rage and we have a God right to yes, Anger at being violated. WE sure do, it's though to be angry and sin not. I don't walk the perfect life and I'm NOT going to pretend here that I do,

because I am human, not saying that in this cliche crap way but I bleed, crap, vomit, cry, hurt, desire, just like you, just like every other human in this world, and one thing that really annoys me about Christiandom is this tendency to put on these false airs that we are somehow now that we are Saved just immune from these things...sure we are to rise above them and not be controlled by them but you know something, that takes God's power and walking through things and dealing with things and they don't come with formulas and they Sure as heck don't come through false, phony Religious pious pretense.

Sometimes I like to use not so good language, I like the grit because grit to me is Real, IF someone was torturing me I don't think I'd be whispering this pious feminine 'ouch'!. I'm sure I'd be screaming and probably begging God and probably even yelling at God, I don't know,

right now I can tell you I wouldn't be going, OH that's o.k. God loves you and I forgive you and I'm just fine,

hardly. I'd have to pray like mad and just hope, see That to me, is Real...and every day, I do get, yes, better at handling the rage, I'm not Anywhere like I was, two years ago. But I do have those moments...

so why do I not put up this blog etiquette pretense goodie two shoes, why? Because don't we have enough Lies in our world? The reason I think people don't embrace Jesus is because there has been this false piousness crap or this Overcompensation crap to try to get people to accept,

and well, one, I'm just too dang old to play those games and two, I know what my nature is you see because I did backslide and not only that I was Horrible and so I know, the ONLY reason I am even back at a place of faith IS BECAUSE OF HIS GRACE AND NOTHING MORE THAN HIS MERCY...

I know for me to sit here and put up this religious pretense would be even more a LIE to you and to myself and to God. One thing I learned, outside of the 'religious church box' is what that scripture meant by the 'honest and truthful heart' that keeps the word bears fruit in time....

that is After the 1. seed is stolen from Satan from the heart, 2. heart is rocky and no root so seed can't grow and 3. heart is full of weeds that choke out the word/seed --weeds is cares, strongholds, what have you...Then, its 4. honest and truthful heart,

you got to get to the honest and Truthful heart First---going through the four stages....not, four types of People,

like it's taught.

There is no such thing [spiritually speaking where God is concerned] as a good/honest heart Without regeneration/work...Religion hides truth by always putting up this false goodness pretense to Avoid what is really in the heart, which Jesus says is Evil...for years, I professed the 'good' when in actuality, there was nothing Good in the heart,

know what I I'm working at that place where I'm dealing with Truth, about myself, the world, what I learned, doctrines, sorting through the manure so to speak...and being a Woman, I also have to sort/dig through the piles of manure in misogynist and patriarchal doctrines.

So, occasionally when I realize--just how much the internalizations have done damage, yea, I get mad, I get really mad, sometimes I get mad at God.

So, I'm working through some things...but I will say this, God is good, He is patient, He always works with me, I sort of can tell more now when I do something that pisses Him off or displeases Him, the Way I may address something or voice my rage/anger...I know that, at the same time,

it's important not to hide that anger because there are so many women who are wounded and people who are hurting and if we always just put on this optimist phony religious fake--how will anyone really, see God, not us? It's not ME that improves, you see,

it's God working IN me...It really is, hey I'm just like you, ok maybe not, maybe I'm worse than you...probably am, I come from the wrong side of the tracks and well, I just not going to hide it anymore. But I know too, learning what Love is and what Love isn't,

that words are to Life you up, not tear down...I still don't know how to always walk that and not be untrue to truth, you know, where hurt and damage and harm come in...I do NOT in any way, want to Diminish the harm and hurt and reality of the lives and experience of women, of myself as a fit into some nice little neat Christian mold, I can't stand them in fact,

because Truth is, it's NOT easy, to walk in Love and to sort through what it is to love thy enemy than not being a passive recipient of abuse especially where gender constructs in religion are concerned...women have been sold so much abusive and self-debasing garbage in religion that is not what Christ told us,

but it's not easy, to always discern.

But I think, being Honest, really brutally honest [no matter how ugly it is] is a start--how else to get there, until one is honest,

to see the darkness and bring it into the light.

I spent Years avoiding that darkness in myself and faking my way through or avoiding and transferring to other things like political to not see, to not deal, to not feel, really,

and it killed, rotted, spiritually killed and I won't do it anymore. I want what is Real, and that is when for me, I learned Jesus Was real,

not some figment of imagination [though I have my moments I question] and not just some man made religion [I questioned that a lot too] but I learned, He was and IS real, when I dropped the bull and pretense and lies and just got honest with Him,

about ALL OF IT,

so, yea, the language isn't good, the thing is, about anger, that I got to be careful with is that anger is like a put a little kindling in it and it can get out of control, and spreads...while women do yes, have a lot of anger,

if we are in that fire of anger, the wrath [the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God] well, we can't really be free on the inside nor can we truly liberate anyone...because that fire will just burn us up. It clouds our thinking...

so, I"m learning, bit here, bit there, but to get to that place I also have to find healing and that was another thing that being Religious, denied me. The formulas, the claiming, the oh I forgive [when in heart I was angry at God because it was like this having to 'accept' their abuse at my expense and this belief that God made me to be a piss toilet for many] and well, had to get healed of a lot of that and it took getting OUT of religion, to get to that place.

It's not 'wisdom' that comes from age either because I know a lot of older people who are bitter to the core....

it really does come from being real, from dropping pretense and just being truthful with God, with one's self, ugliness and all, seeing that nature and then, seeing, HIM, what HIS Grace really is,

and I'm learning that NOW. But old memories and life experiences often cloud what I see in Him, we don't live in a world of Love...oh, there is 'good' but that good is always got that taint of evil there,

to see Pure Love in God, takes time, time in prayer, searching, questioning, wrestling and waiting...being broken, being restored.

So, yea, if you come here and think, well how can she be this but that..well, because it's real, that's why...because I walk through and sometimes it's good but something can trigger [past abuse, long story] and the old stuff comes up and I find there is Something else, not dealt with...or sorted through,

or healed.

I want to be real you can see, maybe too so you can feel comfortable in your own skin and know, God loves you where you are right now, where you are at....

I believe being born again is a process...not just a one time Boom then it's done and you're all fine and dandy now...oh no, it IS yes, a dying daily, to the old nature, but there is more to it than that, IF there wasn't,

why would Paul write, the letters he did? Put away from you this, this, walk in love, be kind, etc., IF it was just instantaneous, there would not be Need for that, would there?

But it's a growth process--for women, we've been told to fit into these nice little submissive quiet boxes and to just put up with what ever crap was dished/is dished out to us AND hearing on top of that that we are inferior, evil, put here to be fields to be plowed, etc etc etc and all by the Hand of GOD,

you know, then try to reconcile that with the Love of God? It can't be done...unless one, Denies and lives a cognitive dissonance and lies to herself...stuff, stuff, stuff,


just slowly dies inside, a soul death that will turn into hate, that is Projected onto others and in this self righteousness way and her empowerment will come from making Darn sure no other woman is free or empowered but just as miserable as She is,


she'll just say to hell with it and totally reject God and go off to something else.

I've gone through, all of those, but I had some experiences where I really can't deny God, I just can't, but I can't deny what I know is real either, so what to Do then?

Well, I"m taking it to the Light, being real, questioning, writing, advocating, and plugging through the muck and mire and well--He is merciful and He does answer...He really does. He answered me on a lot of things last night--I can't stress enough, how necessary to a woman's spiritual and soul self to just sit with God, with Jesus, and just be real and pray and talk to Him and not tell Him what Religion says [that includes those mental doctrines we hang on so dearly too in denial because we're afraid to say God this sucks I don't like it I think you're horrid here, you know],

but IF you come to Him, and just be real, and Seek Him, He IS FAITHFUL,

he's not a Man nor is he Like Man...He don't ridicule or condemn or reject or remind you of your 'woman' status,

the enemy sure will, and I had to learn to Press ON through those lies/ keep pressing and to keep seeking.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that all is fine and well and that Wow, I found it and now I'm fine, but I am learning too, it don't work that way either...because one little thing, said or remembered or something happens and it's like I'm back to square one all over again,

but I am seeing it's not as bad as before....but I do struggle with Doubts, I do have those moments I think, you know this is all just bunk and I"m crazy...or times I just want to rebel, oh yea I have those, or I'll rationalize [probably more the latter], or procrastinate,

there are dark times--where I just want to curl up in a ball and freeze into ice, to make it all go away,

but I am seeing that He reaches me, to call on Him, even when I don't want to...and He is there...He really is and last night,

He told me this...I cried and cried about the woman haters and God did you really hate women and question after question and Why don't you or Why didn't you have a female counterpart or Something female women could identify with...I go through those moments [though He has shown me a lot in scripture about His yes, female side--God is Spirit, not male or female but I believe, both..hard to explain],

and one thing, that came to me, the Patriarchs, HATED JESUS, the small voice said, they Hated me...never forget that, the Patriarchs rejected God on Earth, they rejected Jesus. The Patriarchs...

don't Define who God is by what Patriarchy says...

go to the Source, that, is what I am learning...and it is, really is. Breathe of Life, it really is...

Love, in Solidarity,