I have made a decision, one I have struggled back and forth with for some time...I had thought, leaving the 'churches' would help me to heal, to somehow reconcile the conflicts I kept having back and forth with God. It didn't. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't come to a place where I really felt an unmovable faith, in Love especially, when all I have seen, is religion. Religion that is scripture, but there was/is something missing....
I did ask, if this was just something in myself, if my own iniquity and sins were blinding me, but deep down I knew, that this wasn't the case. Not on this matter. Now I do not know if this is because of the Western culture, I think probably a lot of it is, I also think, my values that are yes, more communal leaning, not in the right wing fascist way but in the Eastern way, yes I would go as far to say even communist but the anti-authoritarian kind, which here is termed anarcho-communism, meaning a autonomous group lead not vanguard led, type of setting. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I do respect and yes, like, about free market economy IF it's true free market, corporate fascism is not free market, and there really never has been 'free market' ever. The illusion of, sure, but well, not going to get into hours upon hours of debate, it bores me anyway....I suppose, if honest, now thinking about it, I prefer a women centered economy But since it's a man's dominated messed up world, we are stuck with the shit doctrines of MEN [and their male gods].
So, anyway, I just don't do the whole pyramid b.s. Hate it with a passion. And it is for this reason, well a lot of it, that I just can't handle, mentally, the doctrines of Christianity anymore. I can handle the Bible, but the doctrines from 300 A.D. TO TODAY, no way...one, they are just so blatantly misogynist, I think, well, who needs to worry about hell if you are a woman, heaven wouldn't be much better. One big misogynist boy's club, with Sons of God...so like, who needs it. It's hard enough, reading the Bible and coming away with my soul intact, without hours upon hours of having to sort through shattered fragments, of reading nothing but a male lens....if NOT for the many references to nature, and God's attention to things women do, I would probably have chucked the entire faith a year ago.
I can handle the Bible, what I can't handle anymore, is Christianity. And it's not just the cultist parts or the comps either...it's the privilege, the glaring indifference OTHER than from women who are suffering Because not of unbelievers, but of so called Christian assholes, men, some women, the abuse, patriarchal abuse, etc., and the whole plastic image....that's the only way I can describe it,
it's like, you hear/read all the right answers, doctrines, but they are so empty. I can't explain it but I see it, it's like, no passion Other than, 'oh we have the authority to have authority over YOU female' or that nonsense...a lot of zealousness on those things OR on the whole let's argue with those things, for hours upon hours upon hours, I mean, after a while, it just rings empty. It's like you hear words, but they mean nothing.
It has caused so many problems, anger at God, that well, I have to cut it off...if I don't, I'm afraid I might very well fall away myself. I live with enough triggers every day without being enmeshed in a culture that does nothing But trigger. I spend more time, trying to find love, and trying to find God, I think, in people, than I do, living what I Should be living. Why is this? I think it's because of doubts, that I have,
I know what the world is about, but I expected different, from Christianity, but I've not seen it, other than a few WOMEN. And you know, that's really sad. It has caused me to question whether the entire faith is just total bullshit, nothing more than a construct and invention of Man. I find myself asking that, more and more...
and the thing is, Marx really was right, religion, Christianity especially is nothing more than an opiate for the privilege and rulers/elites to control the masses/peasants. People forget, Marx wrote those theories in the Day of heightened Christian culture, not during heathen culture. In Europe, under Christian Puritanism/Victorianism, there was more abuse, more slavery, more prostitution, more starvation, more poverty, more domestic violence, and child abuse, than in pagan Europe. It was more stratified and controlled...Catholic feudalism to Protestant Industrialization/caste system. Same outcomes, just different economies, in other words, people didn't revolt against heathens, oh no, they revolted against the religious robber barons. While I do not concur with all of Marx or his solutions, I have to say, his analysis, was right on, especially the hypocrisy of the church to women, on marriage, to the poor. Basically, what Marx pointed out in layman's terms, was the exploitation of the poor, weak, vulnerable using authority worship in religion to justify and dupe the masses into compliance, using fear of hell, their lot in life, etc. Also philanthropy, of course, just enough to ease the conscience and pacify the poor....
While I thought of this, I counted in the fact that yes, people evolve, that the dialectics take time to work...but here it is, 2010, and the attitudes especially in the West, are still there and they are worse. They are far more misogynist, classist and yes, nationalist-racist. Again, I'm referring to the West. So, something just doesn't add up.....
and I've questioned My life, even though I didn't live for the Lord for years, I still knew enough, that I should have done so many things differently, but I too, was enticed and wanted the so called 'things' that I had been indoctrinated to believe, that I was to go after in life. I see now, that these are lies and that I wasted so many years, living a false gospel belief. One of the things that comes back and angers me a lot is I did, when I was twenty, wanted to go into relief work...but Women, I was told, their role was to marry, be submissive, and being single, young, the women weren't too kind to that either. In that environment I was obsessed with getting married, and I did....and it was the dumbest thing I ever did. Three times in fact, so much for losing it all for Jesus. I lived the bourgeoisie life [yes poor can be bourgeoisie too] and during my first marriage before I walked away from churchianity, I emulated that whole materialist prissy make up plastered 'Christian Barbie Doll' wife, except I couldn't shut up so I kept getting into trouble...needless to say, I just wasn't submissive or obedient enough to stick out a loveless abusive marriage, and I left, and went all the way to the sin side, so to speak...for 27 something years.
A lot of that was due to the lack of grace and love, even then...I think a lot of that was growing up with so much hate directed at me from a parent that I just couldn't handle what I saw in Christianity--or something, I remember how dismayed I was, that much I recall. I guess I am skeptical,
always have been, well, comes with the territory when you have a parent that tells And shows you daily how much you are hated, that does enough damage so like I always had authority issues, still do. I'm to the point now, where if I don't see it, don't bother...I have heard so many words that I just want to scream, they mean nothing to me anymore. They really don't.
The only reason, I still hang on, to faith, is this past year, spending time with nature, alone with God, and hearing Him, if NOT for what I have seen in nature, His creation which I believe shows so much about who God really is, I really don't know, I think I would have been lost. But seeing nature, reading the Word, and focusing on those things, is what has or at least I think, revealed God to me. But when I read what Christians say, other than a few times, I just get turned off, completely. I don't know what it is, and it's men I think more than women, but I can't help but think, if Jesus is about love, then why are these men just so damn indifferent to the pain they are causing their own families/wives especially?
And yesterday, I think was the last straw, I read a blog, first time, and it really was more like a philosophy group, what I think theology is now, and they were talking about God and rape, does God condone rape. And it was the way they were talking about it, as if, a horrible crime is nothing more than a discussion topic, never mind that it kills more women emotionally, and spiritually, and here they were talking about the merits, is rape rape, is it rape here, rape there, I mean, like wtf, what does it take, to Understand the screams of women? To talk about it, like talking about how to bake a cheesecake, or like it's some doctrinal issue, well, it was just too much,
especially when obviously, they haven't Been raped or they wouldn't even Conceive of talking about rape as just some topic of what defines what it is. Like, I wanted to scream,
I'll tell you what it is, you fucking morons, I mean, I just couldn't believe it, I've heard some insensitive shit, from the world, but that, this just beat all.
And if that wasn't bad enough, hell, even With a college ed, it would have taken me hours, just to decipher their language usage, I mean, who are they talking At, To? Do they not even realize that there are so many longing for God who don't walk around with the what's the new 'oh how smart I am terminology' book? It just wreaked of elitism,
and that's the other thing. I lived on the streets, I am of the underclass, I'll be blunt, Christianity in the West is the religion of Privilege, it really is. And I want to say something else, it's a White man's religion...oh, sure, there are African American churches but the Majority of Christianity websites, are
WHITE.
WHITE, UPPER TO MIDDLE UPPER CLASS, PRIVILEGE.
And it shows....it really, really shows. It is a white man's, emphasis on MAN'S religion.
And on this, I think, Marx hit on this too--western culture imperialism. I don't like to refer or turn to that term simply because it's been used by Other extreme totalitarian and even more misogynist cultures that I feel are also just as imperialist, best example is the sanctioning of slavery in Islam, which why the commies being in bed with Islam is just down right absurdity, I guess they missed the chapters by Marx on the development of capitalism FROM SLAVERY. But then, we live in a screwed up world...
I keep thinking on Native American beliefs, before they were I think, tainted [the whole monarchy tribes] with the Spaniard Colonization/Slavery and Genocide under the Catholic Papacy-Church, I do think that prior to, they like most colonizers do, they chose a few tribes, set them up as middle monarchs to keep the rest under lid, so to speak, I do wonder about that. [referring to the tribes that were friendly to Britain during revolution, that were monarchy friendly, the funny thing is, numerous tribes did NOT have that kind of hierarchy so I suspect there was some selling out going prior to the New England colonists.] But anyway, they lived in harmony with nature, they believed in the Great Spirit,
many of their beliefs are very similar to the teachings of Jesus, to the ways of Jesus, the ancients is what I call them, and I have been wondering about that a lot. IT seems, that everywhere the Christianity 'churchianity' under hierarchy went, there was genocide, mass rapes, slavery for Gold, Land and resources. Why is that? Coincidence? I don't think so....
IF the church had evolved from those behaviors That would be one thing, but the thing is, they haven't. I can't count how many times I've read indifferent to war comments by Christians. I can't count how many times I've read or heard this cold blooded indifference to suffering....unless it's their Own. I can't count how many times I've heard/read references to 'oh yes there are women abused and it's so sad but let's sit here and discourse with assholes who after months still show absolutely no remorse for abuse or even a tear for those women who have been horribly wounded, because it's more important to change Those assholes than it is to reach out and support the wounded women, many who have literally, left the faith'.
While I can't stomach the atheists who Use the pain of women, to further their agenda [which is also white privilege btw, they are just as paternalistic and sanctimonious as the evangelists, read a good criticism of white atheist women by some African American women and boy they ripped into them, but what they had to say was spot on] but anyway, I can understand more now why so many women like on the Ex Quiverfull blog have so much resentment towards those who push apologizing for God more than for their welfare, I did this, didn't mean to but I did...and now that I think of it, I wish I hadn't...because truth is, they were not Hurt by heathens, they were not Hurt by unbelievers, they weren't even Hurt by liberals or atheists, oh no, but by CHRISTIANS, and we're not talking about one, two,
we're talking about hundreds. And it's the same way in the mainstream, though those women haven't formed an Ex-Mainstream Protestant group Yet, maybe I will start one...but it says volumes,
something is wrong, with either the religion, or the doctrines, I have even questioned, being honest here, if it's the entire faith? I have questioned God about this, Jesus, so many times,
and it's not something that we can just dismiss. Frankly I'm tired of looking and seeing women look for Loopholes, in scriptures that are clearly, blatantly, sexist. But it's not just those scriptures,
that's just the tip of the iceberg. IT's the fact, that there is no female Voice other than Hannah's short prayer, about having a child, Miriam's song, and the prophecy of Anna about Jesus, other than that, nothing, nada, it's like, the only reference to women in the Bible is,
virgin, whore
and that's the largest reference
some women healed by Jesus, Mary who in One book was told to tell the 'brethren' or 'brothers' that He had risen, guess sisters didn't matter...
and the rest, submit...and be silent. Oh, the one about she'll be saved in Childbirth IF she continues in faith, charity and purity or something to that accord, like Men are saved via the Cross, women ONLY if she having children, etc., I don't think that is what it means but it sure as hell has been construed that way...
there are more women friendly texts in Old Testament than in New, that's kind of sad, and even there, it's not saying much. It's almost like women are being erased....in Revelations it's the Sons, no mention of Daughters, no mention of women, period....other than, at the end, those 100,000 who have NOT touched, oh my gosh, a Woman...
I mean, it's ridiculous. Now I know, that last reference is I believe, referring to touching a woman in a way that is exploitative due to the temple prostitution that was huge in those days, why Paul spoke so much about sexual immorality, buying girls/women then was so normalized that it was shocking to hear anyone say, it's immoral to do it. Not just women either, boys were also lusted after and used in prostitution, more so than women. [Roman and Greek Society]
There is 300 years, from the writing of the Bible/putting it together and Jesus's death, in 30 A.D. In 200 A.D. the Coptic Church was formed, that's still 100 years away...and Revelations, was written in 70-80 A.D., that's a lot of years, for MEN to mess with parchments, who knows,
and the formation of Power, in early church [Catholic/Byzantine] leaves a lot to be desired...so like, to NOT question, would be ludicrous, and I do question them.....ON top of that, I find that the ancients had laws way back even prior to Abraham, so like from Genesis, to the formation of Israel, there were huge gaps, of other 'gods' that are mentioned in the Bible...but, there is room for question I think, just how much, of the writings were tampered with, especially many el's to one el' then I find that there at the same time, in both Egypt and Persia, there was shift to one god. So, yea, it does make you question, because the Old Testament wasn't even written until After Solomon, so like, who knows...
not saying that I don't believe, but I am saying, that I think there is Strong possibility that MEN construed and constructed God in 'their image' and I can't leave that possibility out. It's just too convenient, to leave out half of the human race, even if it Was their 'culture' in that era, and it continue that way. It lays the groundwork for justifying all kinds of other evils like slavery, genocide, nationalism, etc.
And as a woman, especially with the Violence to women INCLUDING IN CHURCH CHRISTIANITY HISTORY TO TODAY, IT STILL GOES ON,
how can I NOT question?
Why is it, that prior to Hebrews [Israel] in the North, the belief was in Venus, way way back in time, like even prior to Zoroaster. They found this statute of a clay Venus, I believe in Europe, no not the same as Venus the Greeks/Romans worshiped [Aphrodite was her name I think in Rome] but more of an older Venus, with no other 'gods' they found but this I thought, a bit interesting...Why is it, that in the really ancient, like cave man, societies, they believed in a Female god? Then comes hierarchy/lots of violence/genocide and then it's gods, with goddesses but those goddesses were for sex/war and the fertility cults [and they were NOT kind to women, contrary to the myths spewed today], then the shift to One 'god' and then back to a pantheon...I mean,
what gives here? And as time went on, the more women were erased...demonized and ESPECIALLY, IN CHRISTIANITY AND EVEN WORSE IN ISLAM.
I ask Jesus about this a lot, the first two pages in the Bible, begin with the demonizing of woman, starting with Eve...it was woman's fault that sin came, and it was the Lord God who said, I will multiply Your sorrow and your husband will rule over you and prior to that, I will put hatred between the serpent and woman, therefore leaving Her to suffer the serpent's Wrath [Satan] so she gets it from both man, God, Satan and then if That's not bad enough...
oh Adam, the ground is cursed and he will farm but WE know, historically, HE didn't farm, he forced the WOMEN TO FARM...men were sitting at the gates [Proverbs] with Privilege while SLAVE WOMEN WORKED, plus concubines [sex slaves] and prostitutes [sex slaves] or men were off fighting in war after war and then of course, taking young girls as brides, they of course, let them Mourn for a few weeks, gee how nice...and that was girls not touched by men, so that means, girls marrying at young ages, gee, what, girls that were 10?
who knows...
and again, I do count in the fact that people then were different, societies were different, primitive, we Have to Take that in account, to judge fairly...and All societies in B.C. and in A.D. were like this,
but the attitudes in the Church are still like they were in B.C....I mean, you know you would Think, that with the knowledge of human rights, anti-slavery [except slavery is rampant in our world today so not sure we evolved from that evil] but you would Think...for those who spew the Love for crying out loud, LOVE,
would evolve somewhat...
BUT
THEY
HAVEN'T.
In so many ways, Christianity is not that different from Islam, when it comes to Women. The only difference I see, is that Christianity uses guilt and psychological manipulation where Islam just resorts to brutal force. Where women are concerned, the LACK OF LOVE, in both,
is identical...
there is no difference. Oh, lip service...that's about it.
And Judaism is no better...
now while I can pull out scriptures that reveal that God does not disfavor women, because I can I've seen them, women are still, in a less than human status, both testaments. Women are property of men, nothing more...in all three religions.
Christianity is no different.
I guess my complaint more than anything is, if women were created only for the 'pleasure of men' then why in the hell did God bother giving women a mind? Seriously...
the old Venus statue, she is nothing more than tits, ass, and vulva...
you know, that is, the image, of WOMAN, in religion, in all three patriarchal religion,
that is all she Needs to be, tits, ass, vulva...
no head, no face, because she need not speak, she need not do anything, but fuck, bear babies, and cook. And tell the man how big and great he is, how god like he is.
Like, if That is all I am, if That is all women are, I don't know, why we really even concern ourselves with Salvation, to be blunt---because Sons of God in Heaven, like what,
are we relegated to Decor?
I hate to say this, because I don't want to cause any to stumble in Faith here, but I really do struggle with questions and I guess I'm just a tad fed up with the fact that we women, just don't come out and say what we really fear,
Non-believer women Will say this...
but it's like, the unpardonable thing to even hint at, though I think, we ALL think these questions...
and I for one, am having a harder time, Loving a God, who would do this, to me,
just because He can, just because...
I think, all the time, how many Christians talk about suffering for Christ, but you know, I don't suffer because I am Christian,
I suffer,
because
I
am
WOMAN.
And I am, a tad tired, of the blanket answers, the evading, the loop holes, and the silence.....
I still believe in Jesus Christ, I do.
but I can't really say, with all honestly, I'm thrilled with Him. Maybe, that will change, when I'm a new creature,
I suppose, then,
I'll have a penis...then I won't have, this cognitive dissonance, always wondering, if God really loves me, or are we women, just some evil necessity, to bear children, then once we're not needed, He'll dispose of us. For the Kingdom, of Heaven where the SONS OF GOD, WILL LIVE HAPPILY
EVER
AFTER.
Love,
Jane
.JPG)
![HEALING FROM RITUAL AND SPIRITUAL CHILD ABUSE, FEMALE ABUSERS INCLUDED [CLICK PHOTO AND SEE BELOW]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_RaqCRK20I9k/S8YugIbo76I/AAAAAAAAAio/4kOqJPQSBC0/S210/fragmented+child.jpg)
![Dedicated to the CREATORS, CREATOR, TO HER AND TO HIM [WHAT I BELIEVE IS GOD]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRPSu4D2FIthc6FU-FZpdFNfvp07RYJ-vhCpuG1dKBmTOAjU79Sw2JEnqvwz-VLLCnQU9BPMLpW6obLTpxN_fim-yJXwzmhEydrOYR4K8KjU2MS8Go7Zk8RrffKKZG9voljwZ93ySfZP1E/s660/Mountains_spitzer_f.jpg)
