SO YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING LEAVING AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE OR COMMUNITY, E.G. QF, WITH CHILDREN

and YOU ARE NOT RICH....

or maybe you haven't worked outside the home and you do NOT have family support or resources.  What to do?  This is a series, that I will be compiling, not from a book [and no I won't be selling EVER any of this info, it is for free, in Love] but from having Lived it AND having been on the Streets, having Dealt with the Hostility in the World and in THIS country against Mothers, having NO one to turn to, no family, leaving the state..and while Pregnant with a child under 6.  I will not tell you utopia lies, myths, or promises that you will be fine or that you may not fall between the cracks of the system, I won't tell you that the grass if greener, I won't tell you that you'll never be faced with misogyny or abuse or patriarchy ever again...because you will, and I won't tell you that everyone eventually makes it, because while many women do, there are far more who Don't.

What I will tell you, is that I believe one of the Main reasons why many women DO NOT MAKE IT, is because they had no one to tell them or help prepare them about the TRUTH about what it really is, to be low income, marginalized, without support, with children, and trying to carry both responsibilities as Father and Mother in This nation/world.  Why this is, I think has more to do with political and ideological propaganda more than anything, and whether or not YOU decide to remain in your Faith or not...what I do want you to know, is that Don't believe, everything that the 'non-faith' or 'feminist' and Especially the PR of the Poverty Industry/Media tells you [and not to Scare you here...talking Reality so you can be Prepared, not Afraid] because nine out of ten, they are working Agendas.   There is a Huge difference between working Agendas and actually Being a LOW INCOME, not a upper middle class income with decent child support/or family support, MOTHER WITH KIDS trying to SURVIVE. 

Yes there are Programs, but NO they are not all the same nor are they all easy to attain, Depending on the State you are in.  Yes there are Domestic Violence Shelters and they will hand you pamphlets, as will numerous Other places, do realize though, that usually, these pamphlets are printed on certain years [usually when there's been an admin/election change and these issues are some of the top--depending on state you're in] and they don't update them much--you'd be surprised at how many of those phone numbers you call and they aren't even Legit charities any more.   So you can't always go by those...

Statistically [if you look up homeless women/stats] many women wind UP HOMELESS AFTER LEAVING A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER...why many women go BACK to abusive husbands.  This depends on the number of children due to daycare needs, housing costs is a huge one, NOT medical, the media focuses on this a lot but for Women with children, number one is Affordable Housing [the more kids the harder] and the Wait lists for those HUD, and low income projects, NOT MONTHS, YEARS...in my state the wait can be up to TWO TO THREE YEARS, MINIMUM.  So what to do in the Meantime?

Shelters aren't always The option either...one, beds are limited, two, IF you are also dealing with abuse and Especially if you're a survivor of Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse, the Triggers are enormous--the lack of privacy, the violence [women fighting other women, it happens], the degrading treatment/condescending treatment in many shelters because you know only druggies and drunks are homeless/the MYTH, and that tends to transfer over in the treatment to women in those shelters, That can be a trauma to deal with in of itself.  The stress there will be increased when there is children, etc.

There ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE AWARE OF THESE ISSUES AND WHO ARE ADVOCATING AND WORKING FOR CHANGE, but change is slow in a society where poverty and motherhood are still deemed 'punishments' for the immoral and/or lazy, those sadly, prejudicial Attributions are still very strong, so change is slow.   Add to that, blatant indifference and apathy, yes, probably the largest attribution AND the fact we live in a Patriarchal and Misogynist Culture [both religious AND secular] and the FACT that it's majority of Women with Children who make up the marginalized Poverty Sector in this nation, both working and non-working, [and no Not just immigrants, there are just as many White women, homeless, in fact in some states its more White women than Immigrants, but you won't Hear that because it looks bad on the whole American Dream myth and/or the political agendas of BOTH, RIGHT AND LEFT WING.]

But all in all, none of this matters really when it's really about, SURVIVAL, and for Women, with Children, it's dog eat dog out there, IF she does not have family support/friends network, cash and even with cash it runs out quick, education [college] and even then, no guarantees, many White Collar women are on the streets, outsourcing and downsizing, happening more and more. 

And this isn't even the Gist of it...this is only the Beginning.  BUT, this doesn't Mean, that there are NOT alternatives, there Is, and so I'm going to list, many of those, so you have OPTIONS, that are more than just the usual [and I think, patriarchal actually] plan a and then plan b.  There is a good book, by Piven and Cloward, that I'll list here in bit, but it really goes into the whole AFDC and the Social Engineering on Women and back in those days, especially Women of African and Latino communities, about how the programs were patriarchal in their own right, to either Keep women at home [white] or to keep them in segregated ghettos.  This is true and it still goes on today...though now with the whole welfare reform, these infrastructures have compounded them while Pushing women into Low income labor, which really, is truly the Goal,

in this nation women with children, lower incomes, have been the easiest to exploit then dispose of when the labor pool excess needs to be trimmed.  Happens globally but I'm just focusing on USA for now.  And this is why, the Plan A and the Plan B don't always work for women, in fact, the majority of the time they do NOT work.  Why is that?  Simple--

it's the Boys club, across the board.  What better way to keep Women in subjugation either to Marriage OR to the SEX industry, than to keep her economically dependent OR exploited/low income?  SURE, there are women who have broken through that, the glass ceiling, but there is usually a common requirement to Make it in that world, do NOT have children and if you Do, do NOT center your life around them [or marry up or be sure to have income to hire inside help] and well, assimilate into maleness.  That's the ugly truth that the secularists Don't like to advertise, what we know as the Mommy Wars, etc.  Those women who are Mothers who work, many of them are married, two parent households, and Yes they deal with many of the same issues that Single Mothers deal with...and IF one of them loses income they can be plunged into poverty quick.  More and more this is happening,

but it's Still not the same, as being a Single Mother, especially one who has been a Stay at  Home Mom, who also has been in a religious setting [maybe even ultra-patriarchal/those internalizations will have to be dealt with and they are NOT EASY] and one who has several children.  There are Other factors also she/you will have to contend with,

Age is a huge one.  There IS yes, age discrimination in the work force, Especially among Women.  Lookism, is still very prevalent in our society and IN the corporate world, don't think it isn't.  Because is it.  This too depends on the Region, MY opinion it's worse in the West and South...just from my experience, this may not always be true however.  But do be aware of it.

So, the first thing I want to talk about is Preparation IF you can, Before leaving.  AND, even if, lets say you are just reading this, and don't have these issues/not wanting to leave, Look, these are things that Women who are NOT upper income Should know anyway, because they Apply to Widows too.  So, the first thing I want to discuss, is Reality, and Cost of Living.  The more you know, the more you can adequately access what You are going to need to make it.

AND, what are options, that you can apply that may Work to eliminate some of the stress and financial difficulties, and NO I"m not going to talk about IRA and Pension plans, or 401 K plans, I'm talking here to women who most likely will be averaging 20,000 [maybe less] to 25,000 per year with two to three kids [and for those leaving ultra-patriarchal communities, maybe 8 kids].  That is below poverty line btw, Though, not according to US government, at least, not the last time I checked [their standards are Ludicrous at best, down right Laughable really]  Because you see they measure standards to a book, NOT to real life Rent prices [the worst actually, housing], bills, transportation is another Huge one, Daycare [LOL don't Even get me started on that one] and well, there's your income.  What about food you ask,

LOL, ok, well, there is Food stamps, but if you're making 20,000 a year you probably won't qualify for much.  But the newspaper says this and I heard that--yea, well, you heard the Rhetoric...why Food Banks are strapped.  So, you Could work two to three jobs, and many Women do.  That however, comes with it's own set of problems, one, Daycare--evening daycare, good luck finding it.  So you see, when a woman doesn't have that family support [and many of them Don't] this is what she'll be up against,

so, some options.

IF you have time [like not emergency leaving] AND depending on your situation [child custody/abuse, etc], and I'm going to be a bit hesitant here to list too much, for the prep part Simply because, IF you are in an abusive situ, you don't want to advertise your plans [why domestic violence shelters are a Must...there, ok] but lets say, AFTER you have left, OR if, lets say, your situ is not one of those need to leave Pronto,

learn about jobs and housing, do some looking up on the most affordable places to live.  Now those places, are targeted for two income families, BUT you can get an idea of what the Cost of Living is from state to state plus place to place, then look on Craigslist.  Because you can get even a better idea, look at housing costs then at jobs,

IF the houses/apartments run cheaper, the wages are lower.  IF the wages are higher, the housing will usually be Way higher.  Then there are other things you need to look at...Transportation, a huge one.  In rural areas where housing is cheaper but wages lower, you'll need a car--or a good bicycle, wouldn't hurt to do some satellite views to get an idea of the distance of the square miles.  Some rural areas aren't too bad, some are well, a day trip to get to one side to the other.  Weather conditions...so you can use a bike, Great...what if there is six months of winter?  Those things, any one can look at a head of time, to get an idea, IF you need to relocate, either for safety OR for Survival.

The upsides to City is that there are more job opportunities, IF you have skills...if service sector, you'll have a rougher time With kids, housing alone will kill you. But, there are more programs [depending on state and city], BUT, rural and small towns, may NOT have the programs BUT there is often more community help, housing especially [duplexes] and job networking--may not be as high pay but depending on the area there is more help there.  IF I had to do it all over again, I would have stayed in a smaller rural area, no way would I have done it in the City, with kids....though Yes, it's harder in smaller rural areas being single parent, due to the family demographics [and if conservative the whole men in heat when there is a divorcee, yes that mentality is Still out there], that part does suck--the good side, you get more help with the kids, smaller or teens.  Where as in city, it's each to their own...and it really Is tough if you're single parent.  BUT, if you have some education and Don't want to work in Marge's Diner till you're 70, well, the city is better...

these are things that You must weigh and decide.  What is good suggestion is to Call up shelters, Talk to women, Talk to Temp Services, find out Before relocating...don't go by what they say at apartment complexes and Sure as heck, not real estate or some chamber of commerce, they'll tell you the glowing [and targeted for working/two parent families/60,000 a year] NOT to low income mothers.  And don't get your info from a married stay at home Mom, or even a Professional working mom or woman who is not in your situ, Why?  Because their reality is not the same so they won't be Looking at those things...doesn't hurt to get Homeless stats there either....

Again, this is IF you need to relocate, for work or safety or what have you....often times women just leave, then think on these things or actually, they REACT, rather than plan-leave.  This is often what starts the cycle of downward spiral.  Sometimes women don't have any choice BUT to react--but even IF one is in that situ, if you can begin to formulate a plan to improve that may yes, include relocating [even if it means, selling everything and starting over] sometimes, it's a clean break and a good one.  BUT only IF, you get truthful facts first.  This doesn't mean, there won't be problems...but the MORE you know, the better.

So, cost of living--Housing and Job Wages, the Average...for two parent family which is what they go by [if you are looking at cities] cut that in half then deduct another 10% that is what you'll be looking at.

So--Housing...are there Alternatives?

Yes, if one gets creative...No sometimes depending on family size/or region...You probably already know I'm sure that the deposits, you'll need for apartment or rental...good credit [this is another area that hurts women and many won't rent now on bad credit--same with Jobs btw...it's discrimination against the Poor and yes, they ARE getting by with it--thank you US government--another topic, another time], but do realize this.  This is why--I would suggest,

looking at the alternatives, such as:

RV living [don't be shocked, many are doing this...more and more--and yes you can get RVs on Craigslist, for a couple of thousand, sometimes less for pull a longs--I strongly suggest it, WE have one, a smaller one but just in case--and you Can find places to park the things].  So if that's a possibility there are a lot of info online on how to live RV or on the road, etc., one good thing is that you'll always have a HOME, obstacles, they are small, a huge adjustment in living--having to cut down on what you own, gas, more work [sewage, etc], but on the Good side, Freedom, at least I think so.  Again--this depends on Where you live/or will move to, be sure IF you consider that, check to see IF they have places to park, etc. and What the costs are, so forth.

Yurts, yes, don't laugh, New Mexico has yurt living.  They are like tents like they have in Mongolia, not as bad as you may think.  Of course situ there, is land, so--check out the Yurt living online, doesn't hurt,

Mobile Homes, yes Mobile Homes, one, they are Cheaper [unless you get into covenant part] than apartments With yards and more room and far more privacy, NO they are NOT like you see on T.V., and they can run cheap, I've seen them sell for 3,000 for fixer uppers.  Downside, not all states have them and the park rules can be a pain...depending, sometimes the Yard costs can cost more, but IF you have children, they are a far better option than rental houses [or leases that well, you got to watch those] and apartments, esp.  The parks do go up on lot rent but not like anything, like apartments do.  Another downside--transportation, IF you rely on a bus [and I'll go into transportation in bit] they often are out in no where land and bus stop may be a mile away...why owning a BIKE is really, good Common Sense, at Any age. 

Room-mates, well, IF you only have one child that may work [cities in the city papers will list people wanting room mates], if you have a couple of children, probably not an option, but listing it anyway.  However,

last but not least,

a room-mate COOP with another Single Mother or Mothers. And I am going to close on this, and tomorrow will pick up on Transportation...but, this is something, that though will be difficult in setting up because we live in such an individualist society...IF you could do this, this would help, in more ways than one.  One housing, two, bills, three, daycare switching, and four, support.

Downsides, well, you really need a unity and goals, some Boundaries [written in contract] respecting especially where MEN are concerned, conflicts with the kids [they will come up] and who contributes to what housework and so forth.  In some cities Couples are opting for housing coops, I think if run with common sense they are an Excellent idea and I support them.  For those however who are leaving communal patriarchal communities, uh, these may NOT be the best option but Don't count them out,

and here's why.

IN many cities more and more Secular coops are forming, and in some states they are Listing them.  This is one area that I don't know why more feminists and women aren't setting up here in America, they are Direly needed.  What is needed is land,

if one had land/even a small house--that can be built onto.  Add a commune kitchen [where Everyone has to contribute/trade off], a child center/play area, private zone [garden maybe] and so forth...why this isn't set up I have no earthly idea--but no reason why Women, Single women couldn't do this and make it Work.  They're doing in in parts of Africa and India...and they are a lot poorer than we are here. 

But until then, there are housing needs and so for a woman leaving and with kids, this will be her biggest and hardest obstacle and stress, because housing is more than Half of income today, and depending on neighborhood/distance to work--it can add to transportation costs, etc.  Even groceries can cost more in areas. 

A couple of things, I want to mention before I close [far more on this series and I will be editing/adding when I think of or find things] but anyway...ONE Thing women,

if there is ONE thing you do, make SURE, where ever you house, have a place for either a container garden, or small garden.  IF you can grow some of your own food, it will Help, Tremendously, though it May seem like an added expense,work, you'll SAVE money, NOT only that--once you are settled, you can then hook up with neighbors and do a Garden Coop--and cut your grocery bill.  OR if you can't garden, look for Community garden Coops...but really try, to do some of your own gardening, forget Aesthetics, what you need is Affordability, Cost of Living and housing, transportation and daycare/bills [there are ways to slash bills] will be your biggest costs, and food, will be luxury--Again, this info is for women who are NOT making 40,000 a year [even with That, with kids, it's still poverty].

Now, I am not counting child support, and Why?  Because often times, women don't get it. So, IF you do, Great...it helps, if not--well, I am suggesting those things in case you Don't get it. 

For those Christians out there who may be wondering, Why am I doing this?  Why not marriage counseling?  Well, one, there is enough sites out there doing that already.  Two, my concern is this:  that IF she does leave, and IF she doesn't have support, I know for a fact, many churches do NOT help,

nor do many secular programs...and assistance is Poverty, it is often Needed and no shame in that--but for those women who cannot or who move away from assistance and are struggling--or are NOT making it, then this is the info, options, Not utopia and maybe not feasible for many, but they are Options to consider...

and I'd rather see women, with options, than women, on the streets...or worse.

So, in solidarity,

Jane

More to come...