Broken, Abandoned, Desolate, the Lament of the Homeless and the Sinner

For the past couple of days I have been dealing with numerous triggers and dreams of my days of homelessness; A week ago, I was gardening, digging up an old bed where the soil was extremely black and putrid.  There were tons of ants.  I asked the Lord about it and He told me the ants were the negative and blasphemous thoughts I often struggle with, the darkness in me that prayer and casting down has not been able to remove.  Why I asked?  Then God showed me the rocks that circled the little plot of land, one was missing, and I knew then there was a window open, somewhere in my life that was allowing these negative thoughts of darkness in. But then the Spirit prompted me to look at this huge rock right next to the windowed/spaced area, I lifted it, loe and behold that is where All the ants were coming from.  I knew then, that something, something very deep, and hard was lodged and that with all that God has dug up and removed, there was something there that was just not budging, or hadn't been touched yet.

So OK I ask what could it be, I had dealt with the RA and Sexual abuse, the rape, the abuse and abandonment in past marriages, what else IS there?  Well, then the next night I am watching some videos, how I got to them not really sure, I know I was looking for something to post somewhere and I come across a video of a woman whom I found out about during my early days in activism for the homeless.  In those days I was very revolutionary and angry, extremely opposed to religion and especially Protestant churchianity.  I hated right wing politics with a Passion and Fervor that could not be tamed or quenched.  You see I had lived on the streets, while pregnant, and I worked, I did all the right American Dream things, so I thought...anyway, the thing is, it wasn't the First time I was homeless.  I had been homeless when I was living with a violent ex con [after leaving my second marriage--he married me only for a green card/from Britain, I was young and very dumb then] and we had left for KY.  Needless to say the man wouldn't work, was a meth head, very violent, tried to kill me a couple of times, raped me, when I did try to leave him he somehow would find out and once my car caught on fire...so I was stuck.  The only reason I am alive today is he broke into a church for stereo equipment for drugs no less and was caught--he went to prison.  Otherwise, I can guarantee you, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this right now.

Anyway, I worked to support him and my oldest daughter [I lost her when she was six years] but anyway, he wouldn't work, or when he did it was very brief.  I remember having to sell my blood to pay rent with the low income/waiting tables I made.  Plus the violence...I must say too that my second husband offered to marry me when I was at that time, only 19 and facing homelessness, I had a trailer, it was behind a warehouse that I rented anyway the town found out, due to zoning I was to move...I had no where to go, and well, he was better than the streets.  So that was three times I had been homeless or twice actually--avoided it when I married my second husband but fact was, we never had any 'relationship', he got his green card as they were about to kick him out due to expired visa, he was NOT in love with me, and I was young, desperate and well, dumb.  Prior to him, I had been in and out of numerous homes, at 16+ ran away from home and moved in with a man I didn't even know, due to my being a minor, yes sold myself, anyway, he was a violent drunk, left him when he was going to kill me one day after one of his drunk sprees and I moved to a city park...a couple took me in, for a while I stayed with them and paid rent/worked at a fast food place--they had a baby and I didn't feel right staying there, so moved in with another couple, and then the pattern would begin...

I didn't realize till the other day that all these times, I was homeless, Numerous times, not just the three main ones...I just never really 'tied it all together' but the pattern was, I would pay rent for a room, and the 'husband' would at sometime when wife was gone, say, 'I have always thought you were cute and my wife blah blah blah and well you know, I want you' and then the pressure was on.  I was 18 1/2 and 19 at the time and so for like a year to two this I would run into, when I DID tell the wife I got my ass thrown out into the streets--why I was trying to break up the marriage...the next time it happened, I DIDN'T tell and she found out and I Still got thrown out so By the TIME I WAS 20 I pretty much knew,

need a place to sleep, then I'm going to have to put out or if I don't, out I go.  It Didn't matter that I paid rent, for a room, you see, that was the 'privilege' I had to pay back, and well it was this way growing up, my mother' s house was NEVER OUR HOME, oh no way, it was a Privilege and one that by golly I was damn lucky to even be ALLOWED TO 'LIVE' much less to be allowed to have a bed, Never had my own room, ever.  I never had privacy, wasn't allowed, my sexuality, my body, my mind, belonged to HER and to others before I was 6 years old.  So I KNEW what my role in life was, the WHORE, I K.N.E.W.

So I guess I had internalized that and not only did I run into this with living areas but with jobs too--when I started working in bars/and construction companies, three times, I was told, fuck me or else...So,

to make a long story short, even my marriages, were around economics, either I was not making enough money and facing homelessness or was homeless or so broken from being homeless and it wasn't until the other day Praying about this that I realized, for the First time, 30 times, I had been homeless, kicked out for NOT fucking, or fucked to Have a place, to BELONG, to SOMEONE, ANYONE, BUT JUST TO BELONG, EVEN IF IT WAS A 'DAMN FANTASY IN MY HEAD IT WAS BETTER THAN NOTHING,

and I took it. It explains why I have Four kids from Four different fathers...I'm married now, but the Realization of this, just well, THAT WAS

'THE ROCK' THAT WAS NEXT TO THE 'WINDOW'...

and Realizing this, I haven't been myself since...IF I ever Was myself, really thinking on that one.  From Birth to this last marriage, that is ALL I HAVE KNOWN, and now I know why so often I would want to run away, or Did run away, but what Shocked me the most is I had always thought that the issues I have with disassociation and not being able to 'connect' with anyone was due to the RA, but NO, that wasn't it at all,

it was all the times of being homeless or without really having anywhere I belonged, no family, other than my Nana who was an alcoholic, and well, I just never put it together.  Because I had moved in rooms/or small shared duplexes, though I got kicked out for not putting out I never deemed that as Homelessness, because for me being homeless was the two times I was actually OUT on the STREETS FOR LONG PERIOD OF TIME OR IN TRANSITIONAL HOUSING...ONCE FOR TWO YEARS, THE OTHER FOR A YEAR.  So I never included all the times of 'living in constant upheaval, abuse or transition from abuse' AS being Homeless,

but it Was.  And so two days ago I counted, All the times that I was tossed out for not giving it up or for avoiding rape [a couple of those] and well, for marrying when NOT loved but to Avoid homelessness and it added up to No kidding

30 times.  Since CHILDHOOD.

No wonder I have PTSD, serious, but WHY didn't I get this before?  Why?  Was I THAT used to it that to me this was NORMAL?  So O.K. so I tell God oh that's it and pray about it, have a day of mourning, think I'm O.K., then you know move on and this morning, I am praying and like I think it's all o.k., I went to bed late last night, woke up Way too early, so I snuggle back in thinking OK God well let's have a good dream, like where will He take me, maybe to the ocean or the stars, I have those dreams a lot so anyway,

I then have this dream, of being Homeless, shacking up in this garage with this woman, I don't really know what city or where I am at, I am taken to this place by a woman who says she'll pick me up, all I have is one purse and my clothes are at this garage, I have two other big bags in the car, with one of my kids, she dumps me off, at this restaurant [I worked in food for Years] and well so like she's supposed to pick me up at a certain hour, me and my kid go to meet her, and there are my other two bags sitting by the curb.  I do NOT know where I am at, or HOW to get back to this garage, and so I go to this place, start telling this woman about my loans and life and debt and I'm just like not knowing where the hell I'll be that night or where to go and IF that woman will pick me up, maybe she will come back, and there is a doctor's office in same building with this long line of people, waiting, he's not arrived yet...

I wake up.

FURIOUS, oh my gosh I was so furious and I just told God off [in my head] and like, said, you know this is why I don't believe in the whole love shit and the if you do this, this and you'll be taken care of BECAUSE I KNOW BETTER, I KNOW DIFFERENT, THIS HAS BEEN ALL MY DAMN LIFE....

and THIS ISN'T WHERE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME GOD...

WHY?

Well earlier before I had fallen asleep I read Lamentations and last night Wisdom [from the earlier Bibles that Didn't take those books out] and so I remember reading through all the judgments of God and when I got to the part about Mercy I just kind of went blank and He said, YOU don't know what my ways are.  Well I thought, He was referring to Sinless and Holiness...but NO, that wasn't what He meant...then I knew, WHY HE had let me have that dream,

THAT IS WHAT I KNOW, IT IS ALL I KNOW, I DO not know what it is to Belong, I DO NOT know what it is to really have a HOME where I am NOT forced to PUT OUT or OUT I go, I just don't know, OR where I am not HATED, ABUSED, USED, AND MISTREATED, I JUST DON'T KNOW...the Idea of being Wanted, having a HOME is FOREIGN TO ME, it's like trying to get me to know what living in outer space is, I can't, it is just That foreign to me, so then,

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I REALLY KNOW THE KINDNESS OF GOD?

I know like in my Head but I Don't know, I really don't, and I never really got just HOW much God and HIS WAYS are like So foreign to me, Why I have no problem Believing in God's judgment and Surely not any problem believing I'll hear, I DON'T KNOW YOU, DEPART FROM ME, that is the all time FEAR that I have--IT'S WHAT I KNOW,

so IF I don't get all my sins/debts paid, IF I don't get all my self cleaned up, it's the I NEVER KNEW YOU...I live by that, I hate by that, I fear by that, I am tormented by that...

AND TODAY, I LEARNED, THAT IS NOT

GOD'S WAY.

So, here is what He showed me today...more on this tomorrow, the Video, btw, I am dedicated [the last videod/music] to All the Homeless out there, Jesus, wants me to tell you, because He told me, HE Knows, what it is, to be without Home or place of BELONGING...HE KNOWS...

"Lamentations 3 --1 I am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. 2 He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. 3 Surely against me is he turned ; he turneth his hand against me all the day. 4 My flesh and my skin hath he made old ; he hath broken my bones. 5 He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail. 6 He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old. 7 He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out : he hath made my chain heavy . 8 Also when I cry and shout , he shutteth out my prayer. 9 He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked . 10 He was unto me as a bear lying in wait , and as a lion in secret places. 11 He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces : he hath made me desolate . 12 He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow. 13 He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins. 14 I was a derision to all my people; and their song all the day. 15 He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood. 16 He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes. 17 And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity. 18 And I said , My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD: 19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. 20 My soul hath them still in remembrance , and is humbled in me. 21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope . 22 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed , because his compassions fail not. 23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. 24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. 25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. 26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. 27 It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. 28 He sitteth alone and keepeth silence , because he hath borne it upon him. 29 He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope. 30 He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach. 31 For the Lord will not cast off for ever: 32 But though he cause grief , yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. 33 For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men. 34 To crush under his feet all the prisoners of the earth, 35 To turn aside the right of a man before the face of the most High, 36 To subvert a man in his cause, the Lord approveth not. 37 Who is he that saith , and it cometh to pass, when the Lord commandeth it not? 38 Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good? 39 Wherefore doth a living man complain , a man for the punishment of his sins? 40 Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the LORD. 41 Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens. 42 We have transgressed and have rebelled : thou hast not pardoned . 43 Thou hast covered with anger, and persecuted us: thou hast slain , thou hast not pitied . 44 Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through . 45 Thou hast made us as the offscouring and refuse in the midst of the people. 46 All our enemies have opened their mouths against us. 47 Fear and a snare is come upon us, desolation and destruction. 48 Mine eye runneth down with rivers of water for the destruction of the daughter of my people. 49 Mine eye trickleth down , and ceaseth not, without any intermission, 50 Till the LORD look down , and behold from heaven. 51 Mine eye affecteth mine heart because of all the daughters of my city. 52 Mine enemies chased me sore , like a bird, without cause. 53 They have cut off my life in the dungeon, and cast a stone upon me. 54 Waters flowed over mine head; then I said , I am cut off . 55 I called upon thy name, O LORD, out of the low dungeon. 56 Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry. 57 Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst , Fear not. 58 O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life. 59 O LORD, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause. 60 Thou hast seen all their vengeance and all their imaginations against me. 61 Thou hast heard their reproach, O LORD, and all their imaginations against me; 62 The lips of those that rose up against me, and their device against me all the day. 63 Behold their sitting down , and their rising up; I am their musick. 64 Render unto them a recompence, O LORD, according to the work of their hands. 65 Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them. 66 Persecute and destroy them in anger from under the heavens of the LORD."

DESOLATION, BROKEN, HOMELESS, NO PLACE TO BELONG, SEPARATION 

 


AND THEN, JESUS ANSWERED, WHERE THE BROKEN, HOMELESS, DESOLATE, CAN GO AND HE KNOWS, HE, KNOWS 


SO I AM HANGING ONTO HIM, HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME, OR YOU, HE WILL NOT THROW US OUT, HE WILL NOT FORSAKE US, HIS BLOOD WASHES IT ALL AWAY, HE IS, MY HOME, NO ONE, WILL EVER, PLUCK ME OUT OF HIS HAND


NO ONE.

John 6:37-40 (King James Version)

37All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.

38For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.

39And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.

40And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.

Bible scriptures from: http://www.biblestudytools.com

and http://www.biblegateway.com