LETTERS FROM A CONCUBINE/WHORE PART 10, LORD MAKE A STRAIGHT PATH FOR MY FEET AND BURNING OIL TO LIGHT MY LAMP IN THE DARKNESS

LETTERS FROM A CONCUBINE/WHORE PART 10, LORD MAKE A STRAIGHT PATH FOR MY FEET AND BURNING OIL TO LIGHT MY LAMP IN THE DARKNESS

BECAUSE THE WALK IS NOT AS EASY AS SO MANY LIKE TO CLAIM...

A lot has been going on with me, in this journey through the wilderness and I have a lot to write about but you know when you start seeing or understanding it works in two ways, one you see Light, then two you see the Darkness in that Light...and then,

there are the Shadows in between.

It's being in those shifting shadows that for me cause me the most fear, because while HE is revealing to me how the enemy through the RA abuse, young adulthood, through my rebellion [years of horrible blatant rebellion and sin though I knew mentally the salvation and Jesus] and hurt Used me as his captive to do his dirty work plus working towards my own destruction, HE is also revealing to me how to war with these forces as well as the difference between a Walk in Faith in Spirit and a false belief or walk in Doctrine...the two are Very different.  Learning Discernment is not some Wow quick one time Lightbulb that goes off and Hey, All is fine now, oh no...not even, I have come to learn, that the more I see the Light the more I see the Dark and just how Vulnerable I truly am...how Needy I truly am and dependent On Christ's Power alone, because in myself I can do nothing.

You know it's one thing, to say that, those Platitudes, a term BTW that I borrowed and really like, from a male brethren who used it on another blog and it really hit home with me, because for Years I tried to survive on doctrinal and scriptural Platitudes...let me assure you, it does not Work.  Eventually the house will crumble, the foundation and the house will fall...

reading about Faith yesterday, and dealing with the fact that yes, in so many ways my faith is and for Years was Dead...I for months when I got saved in my youth, have pumped scripture after scripture wondering, OK well why isn't it working?  You know the mind can take in a  lot of scripture, but until Energy is applied and not talking here about the Legalist way, but in the FIRE way...that faith is Dead.  By works faith is made alive--now What does that mean exactly?  Does that mean we are saved by works?  NO.  Does that mean faith works by works, no and yes...we know Faith works by love, by hearing of the Word of God,

but it also, depends on Works.  Now what exactly does that mean?  Well I knew works Showed what your faith is really in, He has shown me that much which is why I knew for years my faith was DEAD, yea I like knew it Mentally but like really KNOWING HIM, no, not in a PERSONAL LIVING WAY.    And it took getting to a place after years of being away/rebelling and literally becoming DESOLATE, to start to see...HIS POWER, NOT MINE, HIS HOLINESS, NOT MY SO CALLED PATHETIC RIGHTEOUSNESS, WHICH BTW, THOUGH FOR YEARS I WAS IN REBELLION I STILL HAD THAT RIGHTEOUS BUNK GOING ON, JUST TRANSFERRED IT OVER TO POLITICS AND IDEOLOGIES AND ALL THAT....  And when you get to that place, it is a type of hell, it really is, the regrets, shame, Horror when HE shows you HIS mighty power and HIS hand...just what LORDSHIP REALLY MEANS, stripping you of all your garments and well, showing you how you've soiled them if you have been foolish like I was...stripping you of all your so called Knowledge and brilliance and oh so strong and determined and all that other PLATITUDE B.S.

Breaking you and breaking you and like days you can't breathe and then HE begins to work....breaking up that hard ground and pulling up all that muck and mire and those evil things, done DO YOU...slowly removing the fish scales off the eyes and the Horror, oh my gosh the Horror, to know what Saul, who later was Paul, felt like when Jesus Blinded Him...and then to then SEE.!

You know for me, it wasn't a one time break either, oh no, not just the hip...it started with the lower spine, pain and pleasure, the locus of control of both, senses sharper than ever before, yea that's what That tree will do for you, gives a Whole different meaning to the ROD, when used on you.  And then the staff, when King David said,

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me,

yea, LOL, that comfort don't come until later, when He gently kisses where He's wounded...but that, alas, yes is sweet, 

but the rod and staff, eh, NOT so sweet, in fact, downright unbearable and boy, the anger that comes up, you know I for so long thanks to Platitudes hid that anger, that hurt, that rage, that doubt, that yes even hatred towards Him, because you know, FEAR...like OH my gosh we aren't Supposed to think or feel or do those things so we try and try to put on this garment and look and walk and talk the walk...to be So good, to be So true to the Word, oh Yes, like that strutting about in high school with those appearances that Hey sure we knew the latest buzz word when in fact we didn't even know what the hell the prior twenty buzz words meant but Dare we show our true nakedness, frailty, dirtiness and weakness..oh no, and Show just how NOT put together we really were?  NEVER!  Why that's just, a type of sacrilege is it not?

And then you know you go to a trusted one who you see and think that They do know the buzz words and of course they give you the Platitudes and the BLUFF, and you buy it...so you hide, and hide, and hide, and then one day, years later, you find that after they've all gone their way, most to success [for the time being] you are dragging your ass through loserville wondering, where in the hell did you go wrong, and you realize how you were Played and made the fool and how you bought into the lies of the platitudes, how all that was Supposed to happen didn't and just how alone you really are.  Then later, of course you find that those who appeared to 'succeed' are worse off than you so then your faith is really shaken....but then there will Always be those that will swear up and down that all is well and will dress and act the part, giving you reason to doubt that hey, maybe it truly IS JUST YOU, maybe if you just try This or That...you too can have the Dream....

yea the joy of the game, mind games you know...and oh religion is just one big mind game.  And the desolation, coming to terms with TRUTH over BLUFF...yea, not so fun that one.  When foundations are shaken and all that there really is, is just some mental blueprint with a few sticks and mud but no House!  Yea that was me...and so when I saw this, then I tried to like, OK God well let's change this and then get up and BOOM, can't move, then again, BOOM, can't move, then again BOOM, can't move,

so like a year of this and like dealing with one heart issue after another heart issue and like pulling teeth, God when does this EVER END?  I'm not getting stronger, why I'm worse off and even weaker...but then one day, you realize, Oh my, that is EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED....IS YOU, STRIPPED TO NOTHING, SO THAT HE, COULD SHOW YOU, 

HIMSELF.

So then it's like you start over and over from scratch and finding you never knew shit to begin with--you just THOUGHT YOU DID, yea all those scriptures and doctrines and beliefs, without fire, Real fire now, not some three day cold or one time suffering, oh no, but FIRE that is just on and on and on and then you get relief then more on and on and like all inside is just consumed...and you feel like you're in this dark place standing on this I don't know what and this abyss and it's all you can do to even cry out the name of Jesus....it feels like, you're the wicked witch who is melting,

yea, I'm melting, I'm melting...yea I know that.., rod and staff, it ain't fun and it ain't pretty.  But it IS a necessity, well at least it was in my case, because it Took that, for me to see Just how deceived I was and just how full of pride and self righteousness I was and just how Needy I truly was, for HIM, so now when I think, I put NO CONFIDENCE IN THE FLESH, yea, hear ya Paul, I know what you speak of, and I kind of hope I don't have to know more...

see it's one thing to like, yea yea write good ole verses of how God brought you through this terrible experience and how great it is and blah blah blah, you know something, those kind of diatribes, are complete bunk, because they have to be, to be Broken by God, well, is a place of Darkness, it's like this Tunnel, and you know, hey, you often don't see the light at the end...and Hebrews says, many died not EVER seeing the promise, of their faith...Because God has something different, they will rise up with the others, the author of Hebrews says.  Yea you see it's one thing to read that and go uh huh Amen brother and sister, it's another, to Live through something like that and to Really think, you know what in the Hell did I sign up for and maybe God is just some loon power freak who gets off on seeing us tortured and you know when YOU get to THAT place and question and those mental bluffs and Buzz words are shaken to the core--and then you really get HONEST about your life and if there has been abuse or betrayal or well, the fact that the Reality didn't meet up to those platitudes  and then HE shows you your miserable wretched sin self and well--yea,

forget the Positives here folks...This, this is what Walking it really is about...some days are break through s, some days like one woman said, I want to file a restraining order on God.   

So like this gets me back to the faith-works part...so like I'm reading and Ding Ding, light goes off, in James,

I like the book of James, but anyway, in 2:21-22 KJV, it says,

²¹Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar?

 ²²Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?

Now the typical platitude is that Abraham was justified because he had faith and if we only have faith why we're fine...

but that's not what it says, it says, Seeing how faith worked with his works, by works was faith made perfect, which is in the sidebar, meaning, Complete.  In other words, works is the ENERGY used or needed to get FAITH TO WORK, faith is the thing hoped for, things not seen, etc., works by love, etc., that comes from Hearing and Hearing by the Word of God, James also says be Doers of the Word and not just Hearers only..this is where it's really easy to get into that whole Legalism thing...

ok so I'll just work so to be a doer, but that isn't work to energize FAITH, what I remember Lenin, using the term ELECTRIFY.  So like all this time I tried to have like this faith by claiming Scripture ok, and then doing works or trying to, failing, to be a doer of the word [in flesh] and always coming up,

dry, exhausted, dead and well, one day just didn't have any faith anymore, well, of course,

my faith was in platitudes and bluffs.  It wasn't until I fell flat on my face back into a life of sin, because hey, I truly wasn't I don't think, saved like in a complete way, oh no, I mentally accepted Christ in my twenties but oh boy, sure had a lot of hard ground and didn't take long for the seed to just be choked out, etc., even though yea, I knew scripture, boy I knew the Bible, so I thought...

I didn't KNOW, to KNOW is to EXPERIENCE, to EXPERIENCE IS TO KNOW FAITH BY THE ENERGY OF WORKS BY LOVE, TO GROW, TO HURT, TO BE 

AH,

BROKEN.

To go through the Valley of the SHADOW OF DEATH...I will fear no evil, thy rod and thy staff are with me/comfort me...

YEA, SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL DOESN'T  IT, OH HOW WE LIKE TO QUOTE THAT ONE...d

until you actually Go through that valley and evil and rod and staff and not just Externals OK, I'm talking, when HE takes you through that valley and evil INSIDE YOURSELF...

now That's a whole other ballgame.  And then you like go to the others and because like you want to see if They are like going or have gone through the same and it's like you're on two totally different frickin planets and you think Oh my gosh I'm like the devil's child or something...what gives here...

but the thing is, you see, James, be a doer of the word not a hearer only, looking into the mirror and then forgetting immediately what you are...yea, you know when you Really see into that mirror, you see the tree of death, INSIDE YOU, oh yea baby, you see the demons and the lies and the sin and the love of sin and that whole blood tree inside you and THEN you like, when the Revelation finally gets into you, it's like, A WHOLE OTHER UNIVERSE OF SEEING AND KNOWING AND THEN,

THE WAR, IS REALLY ON....

then you KNOW...it's for real, this ain't bluff anymore, and it truly is a matter of LIFE AND DEATH.

And this is Years after you THINK you KNOW who Jesus is...yea that's what the WORD will do to you, something about that Word, 

anyway...so like sorry for going into all these areas here, there is a whole lot more that I'm not going to get into here because I'm still walking through but the path, the path where it gets dark, is kind of like this,

 

http://www.sacred-destinations.com/syria/damascus-straight-street-via-recta.htm

This is the Street called Straight, the Street Paul himself walked on, nearby is the place where he was let down a wall /building in that basket, anyway, take a look, a Street, Path Called Straight, see the two doors on each side, those who try to Climb in through some 'other way', Oh yea...I like this photo, place, now See how DARK it is inside?  And how Narrow?  Yea, not all those people can squeeze through there, it's a tight, cramped, probably suffocating [like fire] dark place, now isn't it?

A place, a Straight Street, Paul walked....where the race was ran...

this is, what KNOWING FAITH, KNOWING GOD, IS LIKE...KNOWING JESUS CHRIST,

so, yea, all those positive Oh yea baby all is fine and God just Whoosh Victory this Victory that and ya know suffering only makes us stronger and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH,

ok baby, yea, tell you what, come walk this Straight Street and CRY with me and then, we'll talk...cuzz I ain't seeing a whole hell of a lot of Positive about it, Sure I see the Spiritual Positive, I am seeing, in this strange odd way, in this dark tunnel, things about myself that well, can't say that I LIKE to see, things about HIM, Jesus, that well, HE's more REAL now, not just some ideal or mental image or platitude or bluff...though sometimes the darkness of the tunnel, I don't see Him too well, sometimes I feel Him, sometimes I don't,

sometimes I wonder if I strayed into one of those side tunnels and yea, question that, and the only Light to light that tunnel [saw this in a dream] is some HUGE FURNACES, oh yea baby...yea,

so much for all those Positive Opiate Sermons, LOL.

But in this weird way, there is this Peace, that I am sensing more and this Love that I am sensing more and more and like this KNOWING...through fear, because it's not always this smooth walk, I stumble, a LOT, and I am learning the importance of that lamp and the oil and what it means...

and the Works, to work that Faith...that energy needed...

easier said than done, this is no easy walk, it is no Joyride, but at least, I think [still have those doubts] that I, am now, at least ON it,

where before, when I thought with all that 'mental assenting' that I was, I wasn't...I hadn't even begun to make those tiny steps yet...I ran away, I think we all do, it's like sheep to the slaughter, and well,

then one day, you feel this whack on your back and your knees buckle then this rod then this curved thing pulling you and some warm hand caressing you then back to walking and that rod again...

and the shadow, the shadows,

and then, one day, you realize, that Hey, King David was right, that rod and staff really ARE a comfort because when you are IN that dark tunnel, that dark place, evil all around and in you, you Feel HIS LOVE, with every jolt and whack because without it, you really ARE in an abyss, and that ain't no fun place to be....once you've been there,

you don't wanna ever go back.

So, make me a Straight Path Lord and keep my Lamp lit, I tend to want to climb in another way or turn and run out though now I'm too far in and can't see my way back out, which is OK, cuzz I don't really want to go out and I kind of like, knowing you are there, guiding me...no matter  how much I might doubt or grumble or cry,

keep me and keep me there in You,  Jesus, 

I love you.

Jane