LETTERS FROM A CONCUBINE/WHORE PART 13, THE 'GRUDGE' PART 2 SERIES, THE GRUDGE WITHIN OURSELVES when all the confessions don't Work!

THE GRUDGE WITHIN OURSELVES when all the confessions don't Work!

I decided to expand on this Grudge series because well I've been dealing-wrestling with this grudge thing now for some time and I kind of have an understanding with it...good and bad.   Good in that I am finding how much I really Didn't know God or the Lord God or Jesus no matter HOW MUCH SCRIPTURE I KNEW OR 'UH, HOW RELIGIOUS I WAS OR THOUGHT I WAS OR SAVED I WAS---I WAS A WORKER OF 'INIQUITY', so like now that I realize/see this, I'm questioning Everything, including the validity of many things...the Bad is well, I know the 'death' and 'spiritual ROT the GRUDGE causes' and that it has this tendency to creep up on you one day and all those Platitudes and oh Goody I praise God why I forgave and all is well and He heals and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

BULLSHIT.

Can we just say, BULLSHIT!

Because That is what it is....utter complete bullshit...that Saying the 'expected' you better do this or GOD will get you while all the time your kidneys are seeping with rage and your stomach is in knots and your mind is just like, snap, snap snap at the mention of a name or trigger or memory, etc., and then someone cuts in front of you in line or on the road and then it's Why damn #@%#%#%#%#  and then the Oh Dear Jesus I just need patience,

no what you got, is a good case of the GRUDGE.  Yea patience too but you see a lot of what we think is 'we need more patience' or we need to be more this, is really, WE NEED TO STOP LYING AND SAY TO GOD, YOU KNOW I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THIS DRIVEL BECAUSE I STILL HURT AND I'M PISSED AND LIFE SUCKS AND YOU KNOW WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THIS TO US AND ETC ETC ETC....

AND THEN THE OOOPS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS, CRUCIFY CRUCIFY THE FLESH AND THE BACK AND FORTH AND BACK AND FORTH

UP AND DOWN HERE WE GO,

YOU KNOW CHRISTIANITY, THE WALK BY THE CODE OF CONDUCT [THE THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE] HAS MORE TOPSY TURVY THAN AN AMUSEMENT PARK.  And though we Put on the mask and shut our mouths the best we can and do the best we can, you know, ACT,ACT,FAKE FAKE FAKE

then one thing and BOOM....uh, Did I really change?

Then of course, if you're a survivor or ok limping living from RA abuse or Rape or DV then it's the GUILT card then the UH OH, HERE COMES THAT OLE NASTY GRAY LOOKING THING CRAWLING UP--THE GRUDGE...

hurry, stuff stuff stuff---come on now dangit, die flesh die...

YOU KNOW THE DRILL.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.

oh yea, limping strays such as myself deal with a lot of Cognitive Dissonance and anger, at God---oh Don't give me that platitude of Well God is good and you know God doesn't do those things and blah blah blah because you know, it's another one of those RELIGIOUS LIES--oh yea so we LOOK GOOD,

in front of others.

But lets face it, being human Sucks...being human female Sucks even more and well, it's God's fault right because HE made it all.

anyway....so like I'm having one of these sucky ass weeks where like, OK I think I'm really a weed, rotten to the core, give it up already--and so I go to the garden and it's storming out side and so I see this Bindweed, all around this ground cover,

and I think, gee, look at that, Just like abusive control freak men--Patriarchy, yea that ole The Lord God said HE SHALL RULE OVER YOU

and then the whole HE made the SERPENT, oh yea try reconciling THAT one and not get angry esp with the whole church history of EVE IS EEEEEEVVIL AND WOMEN ARE GATEWAY TO HELL AND YOU KNOW BURN BABY BURN...

yea--talk about screwing with your mind [and with abuse--by men, oh yea]

so I begin to Yank these bind weeds and talk to the plants and so like me and  Mother Earth are talking and you know, how much it all sucks, being 'cursed' and all, LOL, and behind me you see is the huge squash patch and so I sit down, smoke a cig or two [yea I still smoke--live my life--you would too] and I'm talking to the plants and I start noticing how these squash plants have these thorns...

and the sun is coming out [it had been gray/stormy] and so like, all of a sudden, while admiring these huge leaves the story of Jonah pops into my head.  Now Jonah is one of my fav stories because you see HE knew what depression was and HE was HONEST--not some fake pretense oh look how Good and OH SO SCRIPTURAL I am...HE was

REAL.

yea...no plastic Jonah, in fact a lot of those men were REAL...but anyway...I had always focused on the whole Whale or big fish part of the story...but then, I noticed one of the big squash--huge it was, and it dawned on me---the Gourd.  God grew a gourd when Jonah was depressed/sulking, etc., over Nineveh NOT being destroyed and you see he wasn't too keen on that--so he laid down in the heat--and this gourd grew.  So I laid down and you know, sure enough...those huge squash plants Do give some awesome cover from the heat of the sun-not only that, it's one Awesome looking miniature rain forest for bugs under there.  And so you know I start thinking on Jonah and Nineveh and it dawns on me,

God why was Jonah so depressed/pissed over it all---oh, OH, THE GRUDGE,

oh yea, something MUST have happened to Jonah from Nineveh because at first Jonah absolutely Refused to even go--oh let them just be wiped out I tell ya...and then God said GO and Jonah said, oh no...let's go on a long  Vacation, the sea sounds good, maybe get in some big fishing and some sun...but yea, God had other plans, which you know,

that GRUDGE still there you see--and of course the story goes, Jonah gets his ass tossed out of the ship.  Now you see Jonah Could have said Yep God you know you're right so and so scripture says this, this this and why I confess and you know I'm all good to go now,

yea, Right.  Na, it don't Work that way...so anyway, so back at the squash patch....here's Jonah, and why [and like I can really relate to this because I got to lay under the squash patch today] and like talk to it and tell it how much life, it all sucks and like you know, when you've just had enough of men and MALE GODS...

and so like I begin to see the veins in the leaves and the thorns [slight/thin] that line the stalks and you know the water IN those stalks--it really Is an amazing vine and how the veins look almost like the four rivers in Genesis--and the coolness of just being under these giant leaves and it really was like being in a whole other Universe.  I could see the little bugs in this world of rain forest that was thick and dense...

then I noticed something else...the Squash [gourds] is a VINE, a huge tubular vine that produces yellow flowers, they produce these huge squash.  Now ours is almost three feet tall, we've had a lot of rain this summer so I could lay there on the ground [actually slate walkway] and look up at these Huge leaves and to the side and see into this world that when looking down you kind of would miss--and I thought of how Jonah must have felt, being all depressed and discouraged and wanting to die, I think it would be safe to assume, IF you know a bit about the history of the violence in those times and in Ancient Mesopotamia, that maybe he had lost family or children or had suffered violence at the hands of Nineveh because they were a brutal and oppressive state.  And maybe the whole notion to him of God forgiving and NOT destroying them was just too much for Jonah to bear--Where's the Justice God?  Isn't my life [or loved ones destroyed] Worth anything to you?


That is the horror of the GRUDGE because the TRUTH is, the pain is real and the desire for justice is yes, justified...and the saddest part is it really doesn't matter IF there is an aquittal or a retribution--all in all, the destruction to the victim has already been done and if it's violence, like take the Congo for example [see the above video btw] you know SOMETHINGS CAN'T BE RESTORED and yea you go on but you NEVER HAVE ANY JOY IN THAT PART OF SELF OR LIFE EVER AGAIN...AND YOU WON'T...like take the Congo, those women/girls/even infants horribly gang raped until their entire vagina falls out--will Never know the joy of sex, will Never be able to have children of their own, will Never live without pain...so you see, if they get justice or if they just walk off and forgive and go on--it won't matter other than maybe Some comfort because the DAMAGE IS DONE.  And for many it's just too much--and they would rather die [and sad many do opt suicide, who can blame them, seriously?  This is why Yes rape and gang rape IS A FORM OF MURDER....and why the crimes in the Congo are yes, GENDERCIDE--A HOLOCAUST AGAINST WOMEN, OVER 500,000 GIRLS/WOMEN RAPED AND OVER 12 MILLION DEAD.


So take that example and try to Imagine if you will what it was for Jonah to be told by God, GO tell these violent blood thirsty slave drivers to REPENT!  And Jonah's thinking, you know They did this, this, this to this loved one and that loved one and this neighbor and he's thinking, you know, no way...I'm off...


then God traps him, sends him to the coast of Nineveh and they see him and they go OH MY GOSH--REPENT?  I mean it's not every day you see a giant fish spit a human on the coast right?  People then FEARED the gods...why they threw Jonah off the boat--they Knew the gods and the angels and they didn't mess around...especially with the MOST HIGH GOD.


So...going back to the Squash-or Gourd plant...laying under these huge leaves and seeing the tiniest details of the structure of this huge vine...with female flowers and these huge yellow squash that well, made me think of how I see God, both as male-female, in one plant.  Yes there are plants that self propagate and that are both male/female parts.  Now I think the squash is wind propagated, not sure on that one but point is...I could see these tiny fine thorns that are barely visible to the naked eye, the thread lace veins that turn the sun into food and the water in the vine tubes that comes up from the ground after a rain...all parts of the elements and part of God, Mother Earth, the sun, water, vine and all...

and like a child I wanted to sleep there for the rest of the day.  The sun was getting hotter but I was under these huge vine leaves with the bugs and a slight breeze and in a whole other universe--and that must have been how Jonah felt....a relief from the pain and a type of healing balm.  


But then, I thought of the canker worm that God sent the next day that ate that gourd vine to the ground and how the sun beat down on Jonah's head and the wind bit and his despair growing again...and God telling him, Should I have wiped out all of Nineveh that had even cows...that were life I created, etc., [using my para words here] and you care more about the gourd [rather than human life] and you didn't even grow it, I God did?  And the thing is, the book of Jonah ends with that...


most people get from the story that you don't run away from God's will, but I think it's about the GRUDGE and how if we are not healed, even IF the pain will always be there and like in horrid violence [why I used Congo as example] the pain will probably always be there, but life goes on.  The gourds grow, the bugs live, there are whole other worlds and universes and if we can just take the time to lay down a bit under the shade of a squash vine, we see it....that life as painful as it is is so much more than just US, ME, YOU,


that what WE see, as horrible as it is, like looking at a squash plant from standing view, the same way we look at the offenders or the cities of hate, WE DON'T SEE THE OTHER WORLDS WITHIN THE WORLDS--BUT GOD 


DOES.


And so Jonah with his GRUDGE, because the GRUDGE you see doesn't differentiate between the good and evil, between the criminals and the innocent, it just wants revenge, justice, retribution, and you know THAT IS WHY WE HAVE THE HORRORS WE DO IN THE CONGO, IN THE MIDDLE EAST, IN AFGHANISTAN...WHY BOYS TURN INTO NOTHING MORE THAN JACKALS WHO KNOW NOTHING BUT RAPE AND KILLING.  The fruit of PATRIARCHY IS JUST THAT....WAR AND BLOOD AND HATE OF WOMB.

That is the GRUDGE, it's poison....and so like in Lamentations when Jeremiah says Oh Lord there is no healing for the girls/women and the children swoon and the Only thing that gave him hope was the Memories of when the Lord was good...btw they suffered Because of their indifference and laying in bed with despots and war dogs and rapists of other nations for none other than GREED,

AND GUESS WHAT AMERICA--THE OVER 500,000 HORRIBLE GANG RAPES OF GIRLS/WOMEN IN THE CONGO IS OVER 4 MINERALS FOR CELL PHONES.  OUR CELL PHONES...blood minerals, blood diamonds, blood gold, blood silver, blood jewels, blood chocolate, AMERICA ARE YOU LISTENING?  blood oil....NEED I GO ON,


think about it

So anyway...how many Jonahs look at America today and think--OH NO GOD, we won't go, tell them to REPENT?

BUT LIKE that squash patch you see God sees the world within the world of those little bugs and butterflies and ground grasses that are living in that world and who are DOING GOOD like Eve and the V Day who are working to stop the violence and they are forming cities of refuge where doctors do surgeries to HEAL THE WOMEN'S BODIES [the best they can, fistula surgery] and trauma healers and so forth...the many who are fighting trafficking and the many anti-war protesters, MANY OF WHOM HAVE GONE TO JAIL IN THIS NATION AND WHO ARE POLITICAL PRISONERS...YES, IN AMERICA,


God sees.


And HE sees you and me...in those squash patches there is shade, there is relief...there is some healing of the soul...

and while the next day there may yes be that canker worm that well, and you see that canker worm will Devour that squash then leave you like Jonah with

Now imagine what that would be like for Jonah in a place such as this:

Yea, kind of desolate and hot isn't it?  And that really is a photo of where Nineveh was btw [links at bottom] and so it's a double parallel here, one one hand the canker worm was the tool or bug that God used to chew down the relief-refuge which was GOD'S MERCY and KINDNESS and HEALING to Jonah to show Jonah


what that GRUDGE WAS DOING TO JONAH'S HEART.  Leave the GRUDGE to eat away with the Platitudes and False Confessions and Pretense really is a type of RUNNING AWAY.  Eventually, one has to come to a place of complete despair and lay down under the shade of listening, nature's ears, to actually come to understand that


LIFE isn't always neat.  LIFE isn't always pieced together in ways we would Like for them to be, LIFE is not always in our control and LIFE isn't always FAIR.  But LIFE is LIFE and there IS beauty and healing in Life,


not in religion or in platitudes or in ATTEMPTS but in Life and in Living and in GIVING LIFE.  You see by Jonah Giving himself in obedience to God by telling Nineveh to REPENT, CHANGE, REPENT, not ignore, not hide from, not just Say you forgive but deep down inside you Really want GOD TO DESTROY THEM--OH YEA THE GOODY TWO SHOES OF 'OH GOD COMMANDS WE FORGIVE' AND OH YEA IT'S HARD TO THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY HONEST ENOUGH TO SAY, YOU KNOW I AM PISSED, HURT AND I WANT JUSTICE...YOU SEE BECAUSE THAT WHOLE PLATITUDE OF 'OH WE FORGIVE AND OH LOOK AT HOW 'HOLY' WE ARE IS REALLY,


JUST JONAH REFUSING TO GO TO THE PERSON WHO WRONGED THEM AND SAYING


REPENT!  OR GOD WILL DESTROY!

See SILENCE is often the OTHER SIDE OF VENGEANCE--THE NASTY LITTLE WORK OF THE 

GRUDGE.


What we call passive aggression, and you see the thing about passive aggression hidden under the veil of FAKE RELIGIOUSITY is that eventually one day it will crop up, that GRUDGE AND WHEN THE AX FALLS IT'S THE 'OH, WELL, YOU FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED, HA HA'...


yea that's NOT forgiveness but THAT sadly is what a lot of people try to PAWN OFF AS BEING 


FORGIVING.


But you know God isn't fooled, HE knows our hearts and HE knows our pain and HE knows how that grudge works...and it's NOT that HE doesn't want justice, no, but HE sees that little world within the world that doesn't Deserve to pay, for the sins, of those who do horrible evil and so Maybe, just maybe God is giving them a chance to REPENT.  Because that is what MERCY DOES.


THE GRUDGE YOU SEE DOESN'T, THE GRUDGE EITHER EATS AWAY AT OTHERS OR IN OURSELVES LIKE THAT CANKER WORM and so like there is Never any shade, there is Never any seeing the worlds within worlds or the Magic of yes, God's creation, there is Never any healing balm or love...


and what you wind up with is a dead person and many dead people who will then have no qualms about going in and KILLING, STEALING, RAPING AND DESTROYING--GENOCIDE.


Anyway, sure enough, I'm laying there, pondering over all these things, wrestling and releasing and talking to Mother Nature/Earth because you see I was a tad pissed at God or the Lord God rather for that creating the serpent in the first place--the horrors done to women [and that are still used by misogynists] and like I didn't really want anything to do with a Male God at that time--yet God in His-Her tender mercy begins to show me a whole other way of SEEING THINGS...from a Bug's point of view.  Bugs, you know, those creatures we step on nearly every day without even a thought...bugs who we tear down their shade and havens so that WE can put up our cement idols and our great accomplishments...our poisons and so forth...genocide daily by us we commit to the plants, the oceans, the animals, bug life, and we Wonder,


why they are Retaliating....because Mother Earth has a Grudge too.  Against US, HUMANS.


When we get out of our 'human' existence and SEE beyond our little selfish narrow worlds we See a whole other universe, and we realize, that WE aren't the only important life being,


and maybe, Maybe that is what GOD all these years has been trying to TELL US...and Maybe, if we ever GET THAT,


we can Drop the religion and Drop the power hunger and Drop the war lust and the justifications and STOP KILLING, STEALING, DESTROYING AND RAPING...LIFE.


Yea...maybe, GOD IS TELLING US ALL


REPENT!


Mercy does that you know...and like Jonah, it may take a few Cankerworms, for us, to finally GET IT--AND REALIZE,


THAT ALL IN ALL....HANGING ON TO THE GRUDGE, SIMPLY IS NOT


WORTH IT.  AND THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH THE GRUDGE, IS TO GO SIT, A WHILE, UNDER A FEW GOURD OR SQUASH LEAVES AND SEE FROM GOD'S PERSPECTIVE...


In solidarity,


Jane  links below


sortacrunchy.typepad.com  Ninevah

chilechews.blogspot.com  dead squash
clemson.edu  canker worm