HEARTBURN

 

 I was reading over at Mott's blog and replied to her, her article today, triggered a lot.  In fact, I've been getting triggered So much lately, that I am finding myself 'switching' again, more than usual...for me this is survival, how I keep from getting to that place where I give up all autonomy and self control, living in this state of resignation, when I get to That state, I get in a dark place--and more and more I find I understand death, which is NOT good--not in the way I understand it, nihilism, a type of nihilism that is this pit or bottomless place that is nightmarish--because submission in that place, Evil literally begins to consume.  

I find that I have to fight, this is where I do the 'switch', my other part or self, who is not afraid to push the envelope, she comes out for breath, she comes out and fights back...even at God.  She is not content to just Believe...She wants Proof and by golly if God can't provide that proof she isn't going to just settle for a Book, for what Men have said or anyone else for that matter--

and then the War is on...I'm talking an internal war, I describe it like this, remember Star Wars, the scene where Yoda takes Luke to this dark forest, and Luke has to fight, he 'thinks' he is fighting Darth Vader but really turns out, Darth Vader is him, the mirror image of his self.  I believe the new movie, "The Black Swan" is a good descriptor from what I've heard, I've yet to see the film but it sounds a lot like dealing with altars, though for me, I didn't have like gaps in whole months or years that I didn't or Wasn't aware of my being, in other words, for many with DID they literally will lose gaps in memory, for months or even years at a time when their 'altars' have taken over and live--I don't have that on THAT level, there is only a Few months, that memories are very shady--and I don't know if that is an Age thing so much or how much of that is normal, I do know, I have a very difficult time in getting memory and Time of what took place right--it's like so much is scrambled up, during some of the years, and it was Those years when I was really living self-destructively So I assume that was years my altar or other self, though not Completely taken over but just enough of a personality switch where what I normally wouldn't do, I did--it's like, gaps in time where I did things that went against my value system, not to Extremes, but opposed to my personality or core inner self, which you see That girl, she was a girl who was always terrified, submissive, shy, but mostly Fearful.  

The altar, switch, was also fearful but very, VERY rebellious, angry, but sneaky in doing her thing--passive aggressive, I'm talking here about my younger years, early twenties teens, etc.  This became less obvious as I got older, for reasons I'm not clear about--and the time gaps of the switch got longer, I think this has a lot to do with the years I would get IN back with Faith [even if half ass] and the years I would Totally go the exact opposite, not even Thinking about God...not even Caring.  I know NOW that this was a lot due to DETACHMENT, TO SURVIVE TRAUMA, to not HAVE to deal with the pain...that altar was very good at NOT dealing,

living a LIE and that she did well.  But eventually the Feelings caught up, and the LIE could not hold the Truth back any longer--and then, when I came back to the faith...and came to grips with the RA [beginning to accept that Yes it happened even though I still don't have all the puzzle pieces] What my mind/altar fragments look like--Sometimes, I get this, many of you won't...though I cannot explain it, but it's This type of thing that I am Obsessed with...OCD--type of thing [or like a hamster in a wheel, I can't shut it off]

I like to use pictures because I understand through them better, yes it's Crazy...oh well.  And oddly, this puzzle stood out to me, it's called a Pyramid Puzzle, gee, coincidence I don't think so--and NOW I'll be obsessed with this for long while, how it works,

then I think to myself, I'm just concocting this shit--but Why?  Part of dealing, with the Detachment, the years and years of living a facade, a mirage Person--copying This and copying That and copying This to fit in but I never FIT...and then with Jesus--those years, Depart from me I never knew you...never good enough, never FIT, check this, check that, check check check...check--cut cut cut cut cut cut cut

Except you see, the more I cut, I cut others...I didn't like Physically self-cut myself, but Emotionally I did and I think it's Just AS damaging as the actual cutting of the body.  And I also cut others, see this, check check check cut cut cut--with Words, words are scissors, they truly are--my soul was cut up in tiny fragments with Words of those who hated me, One in particular, as a child, not an occasional being called stupid, but a Daily AND DELIBERATE WITH PLANNED INTENT even After the main abuser [mother] passed away she was Still CUTTING,

I've shared this before, I will do again--to give those who are new reading here an idea of what I'm talking about because this type of Psychological Abuse may be hard for others to understand OR it's very hard To describe--but one example, After my mother passed away in 2005, I had to go back to the childhood home where my Nana lived then my Mother, me and my brother met there, and we had to clean out the house--in Three days, so it could be sold because my brother had to get back to work--so we're going through the bedroom where she died, I hadn't talked to my mother in Two years, we didn't leave on bad terms, I just couldn't bring myself to Deal with her toxic bi-polar don't know what it is but it was like this WALL, I just couldn't break through--but at the time I couldn't break through similar WALLS to talk to my  uncle either, there was just something there, it was like I was catatonic--hard to explain, but so I'm cleaning out her drawer, now the last time we Did talk, we were civil, I had learned through the years to just say Yes dear, and let her win...there was no Disagreeing with her, there was no Not listening to her...you just shut up, and learned to take the insanity--her paranoia which in her later years got really bad--

and so I'm cleaning out the drawers, listening to my brother go off, he and her had huge fights and she had still a lot of Control over him and he was full of rage--still is, and then, I see the photos, every single photo, every single Childhood photo, all had ME cut out.  All of them, from infant to all the way to teen years...the Only photos with me NOT cut out were the ones with my children, of course, show off her grandchildren WHOM she Never wanted anything to do with--she Hated that whole mommy thing.  And she didn't hide that fact either...

it hit me, so hard, then I found a picture, ONE Picture, she had left, btw All these pictures were laid neatly in her top drawer as IF she knew one day I would find them--and this one picture, I was five years old...sitting at  the table, eyes wide and Terrified, you can tell I was angry, I hated that table, I still remember it, I still remember being forced to sit there until I ate peas, cold peas [and that was ALL I WAS GIVEN] and I could not get up to Pee, I could not get up to Sleep, I had to eat those peas and if I threw them up tough--I fell asleep in my peas, I was 3 years old, 4, those were Same years btw, I was So hungry I drank finger nail polish remover--and wound up in hospital and woke up with tubes down my throat [not the first time either]...I have witness account that she would leave me and brother in room for So long his diaper would be So full he was literally bleeding on his body--yea, That level of abandonment,

anyhow--so here's the picture, my brother seemed happy, he was about two, I look as if I'd been raped or something, and you could see the HATE in my eyes towards whoever took the picture, and on this photo, there was a huge X drawn through my face--she did that, and on the back, it says, my brother's name, year and then, and I quote [because I still have the picture and it's in my Bible], 

"my name" __?___ the devil

and then the date, I was five years old.

Yea nice Parting gift, even After her death--even After I cut ties and didn't deal with her for two years...she Still had power, she Still was cutting...it was After that, and ONLY after that, her death, that I could finally face the sexual violations/abuse, I think maybe why this is, is because IF I had of faced it, rather than stuff it or Rationalize it, while she was alive, there is no telling What I would have done--because the RAGE was just unreal... I'm talking Murderous Rage...like what my brother had,

who btw, years later, finally admitted to him, some of the things, and found I wasn't alone--he too was sexually abused.  It's not something I like to talk about Because one, I have worked through the forgiveness and I know HER past life, HER childhood and my Uncles and I know that the abuse is generational AND tied into occult influences, SHE was mentally ill, make no mistake about it.  This is not easy because Yes she was aware, She she is accountable, at the same time I know now that she was under some kind of evil force--meaning, psychopath, in a way, because she Never had or felt any remorse--and you know I don't think sadists do, I don't think malicious narcissist DO feel any empathy because there is Nothing there for them to FEEL WITH, it's Simply NOT THERE.  Why that is I don't know,

it puts the question of Evil in a whole other category that well, I don't like to get into--I do believe it's spiritual but with the triggers I am just not able to deal with much at this time--without going into some Profiling Spiral that I find, I understand and then I begin to Question my OWN state of being...

so anyway, I'm reading over at Mott's, and I responded, I hadn't planned on putting it here, but When I read over it, and it's something I've been pondering lately--I liked it, so I decided to keep it--

here it is, it's in response to her post on Getting Over it, Why They don't Understand Why They [women traumatized by sexual torture in prostitution] Don't Get Over it...[her blog is to the side on blog roll]

MY REPLY:

Good post, though it Triggers the hell out of me today–I know you don’t leave my posts up which in a way, is kind of good, in a way, disturbing, I think because 

in this weird way, if I can’t relay something, Anything, to help you deal with the yes on going pain [and NO it doesn't go way, it gets a bit easier to deal with the memories Over time and with a lot of work but life has a way of resurfacing--some days are good some days suck, what I've learned] but my point being,

there has to be a reason why survivors [God I hate that word] from trauma, even if from different sources, relate OR need to, need to maybe hope that what works for one will work for all because That is our Hope, what we look for, to help us in our own getting through,

when we don’t see that, we see the darkness win. It looks on days that Evil wins,

and some days I just get so tired of trying to wrap my mind and sort the lines of good-evil out, so I look to you, some other women, reading, hoping to see a glimmer of light, hope Other than just advocating, Then dealing with the thoughts of ‘is That what they need, Isn’t that what was the excuse and is why men go to them’, I get strange thoughts like that, false guilt,

which then That pisses me off because then I think-here is where Men win, they divide us, they separate us into hell boxes, but they do so Differently, that’s how patriarchy works. And so one pain can’t relate to the other pain…then there is anger…then further

silence.

Silence in these prisons, see so much of the trauma you speak of is So like the trauma of RA, child abuse, etc., because the powerlessness is there And like with the yes, ‘aren’t you Over it yet’ type of thing,

and I think, some of that is due to how people can’t Deal with the reality that yes, Evil Does exist, there is no reasonable explanation for it even With knowing what we do–there simply is no rhyme or reason,

to any of it.

 It’s Evil in that it is US who are expected to ‘get over it’, to be ‘fine’, ‘healed’ ‘live’

yet, there is NO JUSTICE

when WE wrong someone WE feel it–we feel the guilt

when monsters abuse, what do They feel? Do they get told get over it????

No because they don’t seem to have anything to get over do they? They don’t even see what is Wrong with the pain they cause–and on That, how does one Deal with THAT REALITY? That there are those out there, who torture, sadists, who have no conscience of what they do nor do they fear,

God, Justice, or Us.

They fear only one thing–that their freedom and mobility to Abuse and soul murder more victims will be taken from them–because that is all they have to Live on, that is their Energy,

so they fight like mad, to keep their food source.

Those like us,

but like food there is different kinds, there are salads, fruits, meats, vegetables, and so as meals, we are fragmented, tore apart, left with the shredded pieces of what we are,

what Part of us Get’s Over it? What part?

We breathe…yet even sometimes That is just too painful, with each breath.

What do the perps have to Get over? They’ve digested,

if Only, we could find a way, to leave them with unending

heartburn.

Jane