Thousands of children are tortured and raped repeatedly in private run juvenile prisons...let's keep this in mind.


Women, need to realize, that the fastest growing population of the Prison SEX RAPE SLAVERY businesses is in fact, WOMEN. That includes, WOMEN JAILED FOR SELF DEFENSE WHICH IN THIS NATION, SISTER, WE DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TOO, we are not MEN nor ANIMAL, women get 50 to Life for Self Defense, against rape, abuse, repeated abuse and torture. Even for not dying while getting beat near to death, a man can kill or torture a child, and the WOMAN-MOTHER will be the one who gets the longer time in prison [if he even gets charged], AND IF the woman gets sentenced with mental health--she can expect to be Lobotomized by force.




Letters from a Whore/Concubine

I ended yesterday's post with two videos, both which are secular and kind of dark.  I thought on this last night, this morning, been talking [I don't pray, I talk] to Jesus about it and sorting through a lot of religiousity and truth-lies, to be Real or Fake because to be Real can mean being a stumbling block, and then I thought on that and why it makes me so angry, so pent up inside...always being self-policed or policing Others, which is all that comes out of that whole self policing trying to be Holy thing...

and He, and I am starting to believe that the inner voice because I do question it, I do check the Word daily, all the time, I do pray about it, I do ask if it's Him or myself or the dark forces, so I'm starting to tell somewhat the difference, between them all, because His will always come back, with Scripture, a revealing...even in the midst of Doubts or when what He tells me is So contrary to religious doctrines, or the Word through a religious-Law lens, those I hate the most because they are so wrapped up in Guilt and Fear, to totally go contrary to what we've been TOLD a verse means, is Really hard.  Because when one gets into the whole spiritual lens, it seems mystical, pagan like, and we've been so bombarded with the whole demonization of anything Remotely that looks like paganism, that we immediately shun it, as of 'the devil' or 'the world' we shut ourselves up, from I think, a deeper seeing, into what Jesus was really saying...

one thing I've noticed, is that the religious law lens, always produces two things, Fear and Inner Loathing.  It does NOT produce Grace or Love, especially for others because the religious law lens sees always good-evil, so like, everything is measured by is this God or is this Devil, and check, check, check, and it's these Boxes, Don't do this, it might make This Christian think you're not good, you are NOT living up to the Christian Standard, the Demand in the Bible...Don't to that, this is evil, Don't do this, this is evil, That person said so, This person said so, next thing you know, EVERYTHING, YOU DO OR DON'T DO, IS ONE BOX, ANOTHER BOX, ANOTHER BOX, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,





and all that other crap.

It's no wonder, after a while doing this, the Relationship [the joke] between you and Jesus, becomes one of total resentment, fear, and a lot of dead lip I love you Lord when really, deep inside, You want to run away so much and think, I really am NOT thrilled about Heaven because it probably Sucks.  Oh yea, I've been there to this place,

and I hated it.  It was when I was getting back into this place [I had been in Christianity when I was young for short while, left when I saw the hatred of so many Christian, this was back in Bible Belt, Taliban land American Style] that I was GLAD I had lived a life of rebellion and sin, Sad, huh, but TRUTH, ok, I hated it at the same time, because of what I did to God, but then, I loved it, because it Did free my mind, just a bit, to see through the BULLSHIT, OF RELIGIOSITY.   Because, men especially, were doing the same EXACT SHIT, I DID AND HAD DONE TO ME FOR YEARS, AND IT WAS O.K. FOR THEM BECAUSE WHY THEY WERE THE 'APPLE OF GOD'S EYE' and see enough of that and you begin to think,

what gives here?  So, God dealt with  the 'rebellion nostalgia' part of me and I brought to Him, that I wasn't Going to be some Fake Robot anymore and I wanted Answers...and it was then, that He said something to me about TRUTH.  For the past year, God has been showing me, in His Light, the difference between TRUTH AND LIE.    What Shocked me, was when I realized, God didn't WANT religiosity from me, nor lies of 'oh say what you're Supposed to say' because it's Sin if you are Honest.  So, I started to do that...slowly at first because I was afraid, but I did, and the shocking thing was, I started seeing MORE lies, everywhere, including my own self/life and Boy, I'm talking one big Lie fest.   Lies are Hiding the Reality, the Realness, of YOU.  Lies are being afraid.....Lies are pretense, and Lies, are doing things you really don't Believe in Just because someone told you, that you were Supposed to.  Even if, you do All the right religious things, IF you don't want to do them, guess what, those are Lies...


This is Why we don't Love, because all the Love we know, usually is just the lies of appearance.  We also are not truthful when we Use people, Oh yea, when we are Loving someone for Utility, to ADMIT THAT, is kind of freeing because then God can take you into that TRUTH PLACE, what I call it, and begin to talk it out and you start to see a whole lot more of what lies behind all that.  The Minute you do the Oh God I Repent and try to Force yourself, guess what, LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE  bell goes off,

and you know something, it's like what the Whore sees, it's all one big ACT, and we know, behind the surface, the only thing the man wants is a good squirt.  Oh yes, blunt, ugly, BUT TRUTH.  How many times do WE do all the right things so that God will bless us, and really, we don't want to, we are Lying, and like the John, we're just after one big squirt.  And yet we think God is fooled...

See that's the TRUTH about religiosity and trying to Live Holy when WE ARE NOT HOLY.  IF we could be Holy in ourselves then God wouldn't need to Forgive us, Jesus wouldn't have had to Die for us, to Save and Redeem us...if WE could be HOLY.   The KEY There is TRYING, to live Holy,

once you are TRYING, YOU BET, YOU'RE LYING.  It's So much easier to say to God, I don't want to but You want me to so Why, and Why is it I don' t want to and I'm sorry but I guess I need change here and keep talking and you know, I can't explain it but HE begins to work INSIDE YOU...but one thing I've noticed, when HE does it, it's not this do such and such, but more like, What this thing you do, how it Hurts someone else, and the legacy of the sin and how it's poison and THEN you start to see things from a whole different light....It's NOT overnight, it's a process, I think this is what sanctification really is.   And for me, it's been about being real, being honest, including Sins that I am still in, or struggling with, some of them not really wanting to let go of and I am Honest about that to God because I know I need HIS deliverance, being able to be Honest with how sometimes I don't agree with Him and Wresting those things out, He always WINS of course, because I have found, HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, though at times I have told Him, that that irks me to no end, it's unfair that HE always has the upper hand, LOL, then HE gently instructs me that HE is my maker, not my micro-control freak and HE just has this way of explaining things to me...that I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN FROM RELIGIOUS FOLKS.  What's even more surprising, but nicely so, is how much, when HE tells me, is So contrary to Man's Doctrines of Religiosity.  

There is something Freeing about coming to God and saying,  "I'm a liar, or I don't Love, or I don't want to love this person this person is an asshole, sorry I know you Created that person but I think they are mean, because THEY ARE MEAN, but I know YOU love them because YOU died for them, for all of us when WE WERE UNGODLY, [Romans] so, ok God, Help me here...and it doesn't come immediately, and yes, there are times, most times, I have to fight that inner what I call, the her demon, or serpent, I kind of see her, in my imagination, and I have to also see the 'angel me' and then the war is on...I've switched from sword to guns in my imagination because I told God, hey, guns are easier, swords are cool and all but it's just a lot easier to see my angel me shoot that ole serpent...and for some reason, that ole serpent me tends to die easier...though there are always numerous others that pop up but the angel me, with Jesus, is starting to get stronger.  On Some thing I have learned, is that the Second you think, you got it, Ha Ha, oh boy, there's another dark forest, another dark region, and they can creep up on you like no other.

I don't worry so much about Satan out 'there' as much as I worry about the Satan 'in here', the heart, the mind, oh yea....that's the one that can be So hidden, that can be So masked with oh, mentally Knowing the Godly things, and Oh thinking, yea this, that, and then later you see, it was the Liar all along just Acting Godly...

you got to really watch that one.  Pride too, boy that oh I'm so good pride, that Oh did you see that, I did it, the always wanting love because hey, I did good, I asked God about that, why I always want to be good?  It's because we really deep inside, don't believe or understand God's Love for us....this I think, is the most difficult thing, especially when knowing, as a Whore, how unloved you really are.  You live life, believing when you see Love, or you Think it's Love, only to find out, it's just you being squirted into.

Yea, sorry to be so blunt there but hey, and one can be Married, and still, just be a Whore...I think a lot of women deep down know this, but to Admit it, is really hard because it just rips so much, anyway, I'll get more into that another's not where my heart is leading today.

So, on this thing about the Lonely Fake Club...well, the thing about Lies, the thing about being squirted into or squirting into others, the Utility, of people, oh yea, to MEET A NEED, is that, it's really Lonely, because there is no Connection, at all.  It's all hiding, it's all pretense, it's all saying the right things, so you think, those might change with each Box that you are put into, just like a Whore will change her mannerisms, voice, movements depending on what the John, man, husband, boyfriend, stranger, sugar daddy etc., wants....those BOXES, the playing the LIE, to be liked, accepted, loved maybe, fixed, cured, soothed, obeying, complying, fearful, DEAD.

So in the Lonely Fake Club you really have the Boxes of Deadness....that's why it's lonely.  Going back to the not being a stumbling block, the do this, don't do that, I was thinking on the videos yesterday and the first self policing Guilt I felt, was "you know those are kind of dark, they might be either offensive OR they do not Glorify God" because they are not Christianese.  And they will turn off Christian readers...

back Into the Box...first I wrestle with that then I wrestle with God and with darkness and so all last evening I am wrestling, and then it dawned on me...maybe what I should have done is explain Why those two videos have meaning...

so I will.

The first video, the one of the movie Underground [yesterday's post], which I saw all the movies, I tend to like those good kicks evil's ass type of movies, anyway, Yea I know the demonic things in it, I'm not stupid...yea it sure as heck represents dark angels, no doubt about argument from me there.

But here's what I take from that, OK, so you know, in case there Is someone who would be caused to sin, alright, one thing, that Did turn me off about the movie was the graphic violence, it was kind of unnecessary and I thought, gross.  It was not one of the movies that I came away with and liked, it kind of sickened me, a lot, I liked the zombie movies much better, the one with girl on the motorcycle that blows the zombies away, LOL, yea, that one, can't recall the name...I also liked Ultra Violet Far better, that's an awesome movie BTW,

but I chose this video, which music by NIN whom yea I do love NIN, they hit on a lot of TRUTH, alright, about a lot of things, it doesn't bother me to listen to heavy or industrial music because I know when to turn it off, I know and can sense if it's having that dark pull, I also see through the subtle messages, in a lot of it, now there Is some secular music I just Won't listen too, I just kind of know what I can and what I can't, I don't do the blatant satanic or misogynist or sexual, some music I think is just total crap.  I'm a lyric person, always have been, I don't do the whole bands thing, it's Songs I look at.  Why I like the I-Pod [though hate the industry/due to Congo and electronic dumping] and computer, I can pick and choose songs without having to be stuck weeding through the ones I can't stand.

Anyway, Too much info, LOL, but this video/song, we Do have those forces in the world, the spiritual darkness, that Paul spoke of, they Do exist, to Fight evil, be it through religion or secular [activism] there is a real fine line, to be touched by evil, one can be taken Over by it...the thing about fighting evil, being touched evil is that it gets inside you, and it Can take you over and before you know it, You are evil too....that's the thing about the line in the song, every day it's just the same, no love and no pain.  Evil takes 'feeling' away, it takes love away, the Key to fighting Evil,  is LOVE, it is a war that is LIFE AND DEATH,

spiritual LIFE AND DEATH.  It is ETERNAL, those vampires and wolves are eternal creatures, they cannot and do not change...they are fixed in that, they have no feeling, and when You fight evil, without God in you, without God's POWER, you lose, that much I do know, because that Source of evil, that is in those creatures, is in the power of Sin, that nature.  It is in us, just like in that woman, she could go Either way, to her Wolf side or to the Love, she had to Fight, to get to the Love because she had lived so long as a Wolf.  It was in her blood, so to speak, the young man, whom she fell in Love with, represents Jesus to me, by her wanting to save him, she then began to war in herself, the forces, she Also had to kill, destroy her family/blood line, to be Free and if you've seen the movie, she had to go against the daddy of all evil, she kills him, quite gross, and then she becomes mortal, I think, been a long while since seeing but at the end her and the man are together, but it represents Love, at the end, being more important than all the power that evil immortality could offer her.  Power is a strong force, it's also a very destructive Feels good, that's what is so dangerous about it,

it also, slowly, takes away our Humanity, our ability to Feel pain, to Know Love.

The second video, which several of the members used to be in the band Rage Against the Machine, a Maoist group, anyway, I noticed the 'soul power' on his guitar, yea, music is a soul power alright, it can be a good power or a bad power--the Thing about the optimist Disney Christianese music that I don't like, a lot of it, is that it's to me, I think, a lot like the power of dark music, it's a fake mask of goodness, it's usually all about what God can do for ME rather than TRUTH, it's plastic as ever, it's mostly male dominated Just like secular music, the music industry IS yes, very misogynist, it's subtle so many may not notice...

but anyway, the song, Like a Stone, coming to grips with all the poison in side me, the Lies, the hate, the being numb, is yes, being often like a Stone, that heart of stone that no seed can grow in...break up the fallow ground God says,

to try and Grasp the Love of Jesus with a heart like that, to try and Believe in this beautiful Heaven home when All in your life, the Promises, of Heaven, have been, like he said,

blackened skies, and poison wine,

it's really hard, to stand, Alone, though you will, for the one you Love, or Want to Love, or Believe in their Love.  To stand and believe in Jesus, in Heaven, in His accepting you when you have that heart of stone, due to all the abuse, lies, betrayals, is really difficult...but you can't stop waiting, you like a stone, have no other place you want to be...

so you sit, in that lonely house, waiting for Him...

I can relate to that song, see These are the things that Christianese will say, "Oh but the Word says this so cast that down and by golly it's like this and you are wrong to even Feel that way" and then you Still feel that way, you Still breathe and ache that way,

no matter HOW much you might confess otherwise, it's a Lie because You are really like that stone, waiting alone, with no belief.  

The Issue I have, with the majority of Christian music is that, unlike secular, though while it's dark, worldly, it's Truthful, in revealing the struggles, pain and sin people live in and with--the hope of Love, etc., it doesn't Hide it's sinfulness, it doesn't Hide it's human need, 

where Christianese music, sure Says all the right things, you get a good five minute high emotional but once you walk out [worship services esp] that emotion wears off, and then you are in REALITY, and then the LIES begin...because you see, there is no Depth, no Truth, it's nothing more than a sales pitch...using Jesus, like an opiate...this isn't Knowing Christ, it's simply playing a role...a feel good emotional high, that no way, can get you through, what you really are, feel, deal with.

So really, it's still SECULAR MUSIC.  It's the Good part, of the good and evil in the tree of knowledge.

Psalms, which are songs, are Both, Praises and Woes, Laments, very TRUTHFUL, LAMENTS.....they are not, all Oh Praise God we are so Wonderful and Life is so Wonderful and God fixes Everything Praise God and Oh Yea clap clap.....

what a load of bunk....

King David, says,

"For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as of hearth, My heart is smitten and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread...."  Psalm 102:3-4


all over, that sound FAR more like the songs of NIN and Audioslave,

than the majority of La Di Da Life is So Peachy Praise God it's so Wonderful or Oh I was sad but God made it all Wonderful and Look at my house and cars and hot wife',

ok, kind of being sarcastic there at the end...but you get my drift...

for Whores like me, you know, dealing with the whole Disney World Christian Culture, is just, well, a little too syrupy for us and it's hard to swallow and well like a Medicine Man with his Wagon...selling the bottles of Magic Cure All Potion, on Gunsmoke, It just don't


It's not Real, there is NO PAIN...


see, the NIN song, yea, it's Dark, those vampire Demons are Evil, bloody, dark

but that Death, that No Pain, that no Love, that Every Day is just the same is in the Same Disney World Christian Music--same demons, same lies,

with a mask of white goodness---


and It will kill you just as much as the drinking of blood libations the gods.

same gods, same lies, same darkness.

Because when Truth, is hidden, when Lies are told, to Portray what should be when it's NOT really in the heart, 

there is no pain, there is no love.

I will close, with this video, there is something Freeing, about just telling the Truth, to God, to Jesus, to Self, to Others....what I get, from all these people, in this video, is Love, because they are Just like me....I don't have to HIDE, IN FRONT OF THEM, BECAUSE I CAN LOVE THEM, EASILY, I DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT, I CAN BE ME, HORRIBLE SINFUL ME, AND BE LOVED...AND LOVE BACK,








A couple of things to ponder on here, notice the people, with the truth signs, are standing among the Wheat and the Water [fountain], the images behind the singer/Seether, have numbers on them,

so which is the number of the Beast?

What do we Really see in our world, images? We see the hiding of the truth in those posters, those are the Images that we worship, be they secular or religious, but Truth, is that we All feel/do those things, God says NO ONE will be JUSTIFIED UNDER THE 'LAW' WITH ME, NO FLESH...


so, the Wheat, is the Wheat those who hold up cards that say I don't do Any of those things, why I'm religious?

Or the Wheat, I do those things, I know I shouldn't, I believe in God's Grace, I am believing on Jesus Christ to Save me? I am believing/abiding in His Word to truly Change me, so I don't want or do those things?

Romans also says that they rejected the Love of Truth and took Pleasure in unrighteousness and loved and took pleasure in Those that do unrighteousness....

but is That the same, as loving in spite of sin?

Which would you rather be around? Well, I would rather be around those people, standing with the Wheat and Water and who are Honest, and who Want Grace,

now if they are standing there and say, I reject Jesus and don't want change, well that's a different matter, I don't want to be like them because I know, what that sin does, though part of me might still want some sin, I know, the daily no pain no love so, I want to overcome, that.

We are to Overcome the Image of the Beast, I think, more and more the image of the Beast is ourselves, good or bad, loving that, rejecting Christ, and refusing or not wanting to come to the Light to one, See what we really are and then two, letting Christ transform us and OVERCOMING those things.

To overcome, one must do like the woman in the video, she must kill the evil, cut ties, be reborn....for her That meant death because she had to become 'mortal' to love and be free To love and Be loved, and at the end of that movie, the sun was shining, the sun that She, as a wolf/vampire {I think she was mixed if memory serves me right, or she was vampire he was half human/half wolf, hell I don't know I'd have to watch the movie again] but you get the point...but when She was that vampire in dark she had to Avoid the light or it would have consumed her.

Love was what was able to make her take death and love/be loved and then really, she Lived because she could stand in the sun and not like, vanish into demon ash or something.

The image of the Beast,

is it the truth? Or is it the lie, that hides from the Light?

Wheat and Water, I think, that we have to get to the place of admitting the Truth, to be real Wheat, to flow Living Water, we have to hold up those cards,

when we do, WE overcome, the image and mark of the beast.

"And I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire: and them that had Gotten the Victory over the Beast, and over his image, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God." Rev 15:2

I had always believed it was to 'avoid' the beast, but no, it says right there, those who OVERCAME,

that tells me, there is more to it, than this big beast thing, whatever it is, that forces worship, this is something more...that has to do with humanity, us, ourselves,

maybe it's the worship of humans, that is the worship of the beast, I don't know. Maybe because that Could go either way, be 'good' so that humans will love you or love 'bad' so that humans will love you,

when it's really, GOD who we should Love, with all our heart, strength, mind, etc. and then our neighbor as our self.

To Love, we must be Truthful...

I am, a Sinner, a Liar, because I fear, an unbeliever a lot of the time, full of doubts, sometimes I lust for power, sometimes I hate, sometimes I don't want to forgive, sometimes I don't want power, I want truth to tell truth, to not fear, to really Feel to love you inside,

to not doubt, to really believe, to be good...sometimes I just am afraid of myself,

all in that, I see Jesus, in all this garbage, I see Jesus and sometimes I am afraid because I failed Him, I disobeyed Him, sometimes I loved other things more than Him because He was like out there, real life was here,

sometimes, more now than ever, all this breaks my heart, I want to be Saved, and I cry out to Him, I"m a mess, Please save me, because Unless YOU save me, I am screwed, really's like hanging on a cliff and barely able to hang on and so terrified of falling,

I have felt His presence, His love, His grace, I have also felt so condemned, my So many sins [and debts still] always in front of me, so many Wrongs I have done, to Others,

I have NOT loved so many of you, I was selfish, needy, also hating being rejected and neglected by others,

I don't want this anymore...I hate it, I hate the death, all of it...I want to really know what it is to love and be loved without all the fake lies and religion and fear...

to really KNOW Jesus, God, but without having to do so, by becoming some fake empty borg [another thing I fear] pod being....


it's not always pretty, but I wonder, maybe Truth, is really what LIFE is, wheat and water,

I have been a Weed, I know it, it scares me a lot that maybe I still am. Yea, I am scared of that,

a lot.

I don't Want to be a weed, but I don't know How to BE wheat, I do know, Jesus though,

is good. I know the Cross, but it's the Cross, that needs to know Me. [again I always fear that being an empty pod thing, erased, no me left]...


naked, exposed, truth...I can't save myself.




OneSurvivor said...

Interesting thought...that perhaps loving the beast is actually loving man above G-d. It does say the number of the beast is the number of a man. (Although I do suspect that there is a real man who does come on the scene.)

I know that anything that we love above G-d is idolatry. Having said that...I know that there are things I put above G-d at times. heart's desire is to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I am glad that He sees my heart and that He remembers that I am a mere human.

I see you crying out to Yeshua/Jesus. Sometimes...that is all we can do. Sometimes...our own hurt and woundedness and anger take us to places where it becomes such a tangled mess that crying out to Him is all we can do. We need Him to untangle things and help us to understand.

There have been times when I have been so confused and asked Him to help me to understand and to walk in truth. He did it. I am at that point again in my life where I have many questions and I need Him to unravel what I see so that I can walk into another level of truth.

My time and emotional state don't allow me to read everything in detail...but I do skim through and read what I can.

Please know that I care. I listen as best I can. I don't judge you. However, I will offer my thoughts as they come to me...for whatever they are worth.

You mentioned a while back something about how maybe it is people's perceptions of the bible that are more of a problem than the bible itself. (Or something to that effect.) I think you are correct. Sometimes, I see you writing that the bible says something that I don't see it saying. And I wonder if that is coming from lies you were taught...or from an inaccurate translation. There are those who insist on using only one translation...which is mighty handy. Especially when an error in that translation is used to bolster a pet theology. Grrrr!

Anyway...just some thoughts here. I have been interrupted more than once in writing this...which is the status quo in my living situation. :-) That is another thing that makes reading and responding a challenge most of the time.

I encourage you to keep crying out to HIM. I know from experience that if we open ourselves to Him and ask Him to sort through the confusion and set us free to the truth...He will. It is our spiritual enemy who is the author of confusion and of lies.

Blessings and shalom to you, Jane.

OneSurvivor said...

I see a whole lot of wisdom in this post. Will you be writing more soon? Since I started to read here, I am watching what seems to be a transformation taking place in you. I hope you continue to share.