I pray that Jesus guides each word I am about to write, because it is important for me to miss anything. I do talk to Jesus all the time and today He and I have been going over a lot, and I decided, after hearing Him, I have made a decision. I wrote this to a blog, why I am no longer going to confront or expose misogyny in the church culture--that does not mean I won't confront misogyny in religion across the board, but as for doing it in a way that takes away from Jesus, that I won't do...one it's a stumbling block and two, dwell, the reason is below. This is a decision that I have mulled over for a while, do I just quit and give up? I asked that, do I look for something that deep inside I don't believe is there anyway? Is church as far as the Body of Christ truly 'church' or is it believers whom God sends my way? What is the assembly, the Body of Christ?
I think a lot of the problems is one, there is dysfunction and two, within the Infrastructure no one is listening Anyway, so...the problem then becomes one of Space, and if the Space for trying to make change Within the 'church' , now not talking here about Healing those wounded or captive, but about only confronting the church polemic or system itself, is doing it online in public view truly good or is it a stumbling block? While I can't and WON'T say this is the Formula for all to follow, for Me, this is a necessary decision...so, here goes,
For years I was a very vocal activist, I worked among some of the hardest core revolutionary Marxists, and yes they Knew I believed in Jesus but I hated religion/church [esp right wing] for reasons I won’t get into here, I am still active but not in Marxism because I saw the lies there…not with the analysis but in the solutions, again long story don’t need to get into here.
Anyhow, I dealt with in the face pro-Hezbollah and Hamas supporters and being that I was human rights and especially women’s right and supporter of Judaism, I had to just put it out there, I am not one to back down, put it that way…confrontation was ugly, brutal and so I learned how to not beat around the bush so to speak. I also learned, in a very intimate way, about the abuse of authority…which I had known prior due to having been a survivor of ritual-type of abuse, masonry wrapped nicely in religion, both Catholic and Protestant, so my study, experience and views against Fascism are non-tolerant to say the least. To me they are occultist, how they work, how they are propagated under lies of ’sweetness’ and well, if you know it you know it….
for the past year I have searched to see if there was love in the church, sadly I don’t think there is, I won’t even go into what I think of the whole authority male supremacist Egyptian logic that is spewed, just that I don’t support it, and am very opposed to it.
On the Other hand however, I’ve questioned my own question…if there isn’t Love in today’s church culture, then does exposing the ‘flaws’ online, the infighting, work to create love? I know within politics the one thing we fought for was Solidarity…to be divided was fatal. Literally, that is why the far left joined with the Islamists, for that reason [though at their demise I'm afraid because the two are very incompatible in ideology, at least true Marxism, this bourgeousie crap they have today well, lol, never mind, but alas...]
but where the church is concerned, while I won’t say, we should hide wrong or be in denial and that I hate anyway because it only perpetuates injustice to the oppressed–being that we ARE to walk like Jesus walked, we Are supposed to be a family [brethren] in Christ, I had to question if my advocacy as strong as it is, does more to be a stumbling block to unbelievers? And I think it does,
the thing is, none of us are God, Jesus said HE would send His angels to weed out the weeds from the wheat. At the same time it Is frustrating that so much injustice to women Is going on with total impunity within church ‘culture’ However,
IF the church brethren don’t care about their own, if they don’t care about change, then does exposing the wrong/fraud to the unbelieving world do anything to help the victims? That is a question that each one of us will have to ask ourselves, I do think it is one of those things that depends on How it’s done and Where it’s done. But for me, me personally, after giving this a lot of thought, it is not the path for me,
for one I walked away from the church Because of abusive men and I won’t go back…I feel Safer among communist comrades and that IS sad but it IS truth. But, I am also, letting go,
meaning, I don’t and am not going to any longer try to ‘fix’ it, or be an activist about it…on Women’s rights yes, within the Church, NO. Not even in church culture…this is a decision based on one, being that the church is supposed to be God’s family, the family should Act like a family, love one another, and love covers a multitude of sins. IF that family is devouring it’s women, it isn’t really God’ family anyway and besides, it’s a House divided and it WILL FALL, make no mistake about it…even under Totalitarianism, it eventually Falls, when the Spirit wilts, there is nothing but Desolation…that OR God sends another far worse army and smashes the absolute to smithereens. Every time, never fails…sadly though, the victims don’t recover and numerous are left dead, souls broken [and the huffing glue in totalitarian nations, though it may amuse the demons does nothing to put Humpty back together again, the souls are just dulled over till they shrivel up and die.]
With that in mind, with the world dealing with institutions is one thing, if it’s the Family of God, well, then if it doesn’t Act like a family and it only becomes an institution then I suppose to confront would be justified…however, the Word says we are a Body, to be Unified in One Mind in Christ, to Love one another. So, that leaves a dilemma,
IF I love Jesus do I then strive with the children, even if many are not children, how do I really know? I don’t, though I may see corruption with every ten corrupt there is ten who are not…and IF confrontation is necessary Jesus said to go to our brethren alone, then with witnesses = church–IF the church don’t care,
well, then that means the majority doesn’t care and it don’t do any good to confront…and that’s been somewhat of the case, However, being that this is Online in view of public, being that there may be One person who IS not corrupt–then I have to question, do I have the right, to be a possible stumbling block so that I can confront injustice? If love is important to me then it has to start with ME,
for this reason, I can no longer confront the church culture in a general way online. I can point out the Bible, I can point out the harms done to women, but to try and fix what ails, I cannot do…it is God’s family,
and it is better that He does it. And I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore, for one, if the Love isn’t there, if it’s all about the protection of self interest and authority my or any one else’s confrontation won’t change anything Anyway…IF it could then it should be done, like in Any family, within the Home of that family, in private, not aired with dirty laundry all over the public. That I realized is how Satan divides, how Satan uses the strife to reinforce unbelief/doubt in those who may be searching…
and all the confrontation won’t bring Love. If it’s not there, I sure can’t put it there,
so, with that, I am closing the door where trying to make change or trying to bring about somewhat of an understanding of the harms done to women to an institution or family that well, seems to be dysfunctional. This is better handled by God Himself,
so I have already left, but now I am going to end my search for well, I guess something that just isn’t there anymore…at least not in numbers where it does any good. It’s divided, it does not need one more divisor, me. I hope you all here find what it is you are looking for, I pray for God to guide you with wisdom, and well, just bless you.
As for me, I am directing my energies to relief work outside the church, focusing on positive and well, where there is Love that is where I want to be…or at least, give it away myself. On top of that, I am letting go because as knowing what is absolutism and totalitarianism Is, I also know how precious freedom is and the space to grow and change, how precious it is,
and so I am releasing it all–taking my hands off,
if God sends women in need of help I’ll help, but my days of trying to make a difference, in the church, are over. This is best for me and for all others…it isn’t my gift anyway.
Peace and God Bless,
Jane
COMMUNIST WOMEN ARMY NEPAL WHAT TRUTH LOOKS LIKE
FIGHTING 'TRAFFICKING' NOT SUPPORTING IT LIKE THE TRAITOR BOURGEOISIE 'FAKE' SOCIALIST AND COMMIE PORN CULTURE THUGS OF THE WEST
MY LAST POST CONFRONTING MISOGYNY IN THE 'CHURCH CULTURE'
TODAY I SAY GOODBYE TO EGYPT AND THE WORSHIP OF 'gods' FOR GOOD, NO TURNING BACK, NO LOOKING BACK
NOTES FROM THE WILDERNESS
Beware of the leaven of Pharisees [that is pretty much grown into fullness] and the leaven of Herod, Beware.
Today I stand on the rock, make my decision, to Serve the TRUE KING, JESUS CHRIST,
and only HIM will I serve.
So, HE knows what this song means, though it's secular--He gave it to me last night--it will be my song, to learn, to hang onto, to ENDURE, TO THE END.
this is for me, because I am NOT going back to Egypt, nor to the worship of false 'gods'...thank you Jesus, for delivering me from the snare of the enemy and showing me the TRUTH, FOR DELIVERING ME FROM SO MANY 'LIES', ONLY YOU, ARE MY SALVATION, ONLY YOU CAN SAVE ME, ONLY YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS..
so when the liar comes to me, when Egypt tries to lure me, I will sing this song, in Jesus's Name
CHOOSING TO BE 'FREE' FROM THE TOXINS OF 'LIES'
Last year, or actually during this year, in Reading the Word one thing that really has come up for me a lot is do we Live Truth or do we Live a Lie? I had a confirmation on this on a 'secular' blog that I added to this blog [on the roll] that is titled, "Living Honestly".
For a long time I had hoped to find genuine, in church [western/from Roman centric] culture, I had even lived in Denial, pushing back a lot of what I knew deep down inside was not only wrong but Sinister. I searched the Word for Truth, who are you God? Needless to say the Old Testament was hard at times to wade through because it isn't a book that can be taken literally, not if you want to really understand who God is, one must read and re-read and well, digest the Word and not just the Word but in the Spirit. In a culture [religious] that is Highly misogynous, idolatrous, occultist [oh yes, it is and there Is a history of it, especially in the USA & Europe, from pagan worship of other 'gods' that goes all the way back to Egypt, Babylonia, Samaria], individualist, etc., and most of all Patriarchal, a Patriarchal culture that is Hugely influenced by the machismo/dominance of Hollywood/Capitalist culture AND of Porn--for a Woman to keep her soul intact long enough to actually be able to Think on God outside of the lens of occultist control, is very difficult.
I first realized the depth and seriousness of the Soul Destruction of women when I was looking heavily into the artistic and creative works of Women who are secular, into goddess religions [let me emphasize that the goddess beliefs spouted in feminism today are not in appearance true goddess beliefs, they are still under the deception mode, because of this reason what is inspired from is empowerment and embracing femininity though if you look deeper you will find it is a deception, the fertility goddess worship that is tied into the gods of war/destroyer, and it will only bring Desolation, I will write on this aspect more later but it's the embracing of femininity in opposition to the demonization/hate of that is in the Church culture that frees many women, however, know that BOTH are the works of Satan, to deceive, and to destroy souls, targeting women to kill life, that is what it means in Daniel when he says women will not support the anti-christ, though they will be given, the daughters of men, to him, etc, something along those lines, I do not know the whole thing yet but only in parts, this is why there is so much similarity between the abuse in religion against women and the abuse of women in ancient 'gods' religions] , into feminism, etc., Compared to the works of Women who are into Christian Patriarchy. The findings was GLARING, and more so, DISTURBING.
What I found was that Christian women [who adhere to the distorted doctrines that are really Egyptian], who had been slowly robbed of their Soul had little to No creativity in them, and any art works that they had done were somewhat monotone and never expressed Their creative individual self. Whereas, the pagan or woman who had NOT been robbed of her individual soul essence [and secularist misogyny is Just as damaging if not more so, don't get me wrong, but I am referring here to Women who HAVE a GENDER CONSCIOUSNESS OUTSIDE OF PATRIARCHAL 'CONSTRUCTS'] her works were far more expressive of her desires, her love of life, Especially her love of life OUTSIDE of gender role expectations, her freedom, her sexuality, all of it,
and the differences yes, were GLARING, it was like seeing that Christian[the false prophet kind, not the True Christ following] patriarchy had stripped Woman of her love of color, life, dreams, imagination...all she had left was the Husband 'god' and the kids....and of course, tons and tons of Scripture, that mental assent though denying the dying heartbreak of the heart and heaviness of Spirit.
Anyway I had put that kind of back in my mind and forgot about it and went on to focus on other things but here lately it's been haunting me a lot, well not haunting but I've been recalling, and asking, what does it really mean when God says He restores the Soul?
Well, religion has NOT restored my Soul, if anything, it has killed it. It has taken it and squeezed every beautiful thing OUT of it, that I once had when I was a small child....Patriarchy took it and said, it is evil, it must be ERASED AND YOUR HUSBAND WILL ERASE IT AND YOU MUST SUBMIT TO THAT
ERASURE.
That is what religious misogyny does, it Erases a woman's soul, the very essence that GOD HIMSELF CREATED. And what is really frightening is how few women see this process taking place. It IS a kind of Fascism, make no mistake about it--why I say, if it's going to be that way then do away with the facade of love and just do it the way that it is done in Islam or in Communism or other totalitarianism's, and take away the Lie. Communism, now I know why it was so similar to Christianity [ the false religion--again not the True Christianity, there is a True Christianity, a remnant, John warned, as did Paul, that in THEIR DAY, not later, but in THEIR DAY, THE ANTI-CHRISTS WERE THERE, HAVING LEFT THEM AND SO THEY WARNED--THE TOXIN BEGAN IN THEIR TIME--this is WHY it is SO IMPORTANT TO READ THE OLD TESTAMENT TO GET A GOOD GRASP OF THE NEW, THE CHURCH NEGLECTS THE OLD TESTAMENT, FOR GOOD REASON, LEAVING NUMEROUS IGNORANT OF WHO MOLECH IS, ETC] and why I kept seeing it though I didn't know what to call it, does the same, they Use a LIE to manipulate people into thinking they are being 'loved' and 'cared for' but really what is transpiring is that they are being Erased, into clones. It's really horrible when the doctrine is put out there that husbands have 'authority' and wives are to submit in all things and then that authority is taken As authority like what a Boss has--or a nation-state leader, but here's the difference,
we don't sleep with our boss or our nation state leader, we don't meld with them in the most intimate way...unless of course they are raping us, like state terror, etc., but even Then, we know that we, that space between us, that level of authority-subject, is there so if they violate that space we know that they are using rape as a Weapon,
whereas in a Marriage, a Union that is supposed to be about oneness and love, when that same kind of terror [subtle included] is used, it is the most intimate of damage, because there Is not that space between and who should be trusted has not only violated but has become then the authority with the distance of space--so you wind up with a facade relationship--
basically, a stranger boss or nation state leader who comes into your own intimate space, demands to screw you, any way they choose, then tells you to obey, then leaves because that 'intimacy' is NOT legit, and you can't Force it to be--though physically the 'authority' may violate boundaries and force itself upon the subject and tear into the most intimate of private space, the fact remains,
there is no joining, the distance is between them, it is one of Power and one of Subject and no amount of Rape will change that. This is why, the emphasis on 'authority' of men and submission of wives in that kind of dominance/subject nation state to citizen parallel with the occasional rape, will never be a TRUE MARRIAGE, IT IS IN FACT,
A
LIE.
If my authority, boss rapes me, demands I bend over for him and bring him coffee and slaps me around and then tells me that he'll fire me if I don't comply, that doesn't make a Marraige. He is boss, I am employee, dominance/subject. He can spew he loves me till he's blue in the face, the fact remains, the 'authority' has forced himself onto me abusing HIS POWER,
that is not oneness, nor can it ever be, even if I comply out of fear, out of coercion, it can never be love, all it is is a coerced relationship. That is all it is, one that is really nothing more than Power/authority taking advantage of Power and Abusing it over the subject--it is not any different from an Adult who molests and rapes a child, though the child may comply out of fear, intimidation, it never is an equal relationship that has Consent. It is rape, it is coercion,
and it is in no way LOVE, there is nothing sacrificial about it, there is nothing good about it, there is nothing even remotely one union about it--it is, A BOLD FACE
LIE.
And this is what marriage has been turned into by the dominance cults. It is, yes, Fascism, that has encroached upon what Should be relationships of bonding, refuge, sanctuary, joy,
and it kills the souls of those COERCED. It erases them, fascism erases the soul.
The movie One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, is a perfect example of what Christian and religious marriages/treatment of women is, the soul that fights for life, to keep it's distinct characteristics, finds that when the Power refuses to allow Life to live,
that Power will lobotomize that soul to where it's nothing more than a shell of a vegetable. Religion does this by using a guilt psychology, that is very similar to the soul splitting work of children by none other than Dr. Josef Mengele [Nazi Germany--Angel of Death] and of other social engineers, psychiatry, used in Soviet Union and so forth. It is actually more than a guilt psychology, and it's sinister in how it's done. Misogyny in the mind of the misogynist has already erase the soul of the woman because he/they don't believe she has one in the first place or if she does, it is a demon therefore it is perfectly justifiable to torture it into it's total destruction. And the most demonic thing is, this is accomplished through none other than using marriage and submission teachings that are twisted and quite cleverly, to slowly take bit by bit away a soul from a woman.
It is the work of the Magistrate and it is Evil.
The question then becomes, why is it then, more prevalent among Religious and other dogmas that really are a form of Religion [ideology] than in just the average life of the average citizen that does not adhere to any set form of Dogma?
And it is Here, that you will see, if you do enough homework, that there is a Relationship between Religion, Cults and Ideologies of Power [fascism, communism, etc] and Psychiatry [psyche that comes from Venus, her control over psyche out of her jealousy] -- meaning the Soul. Psyche means soul. This is one reason I have added the Luciferian cult of the Illuminati here because it Is real, it IS in fact operating and it has been around since ancient Egypt, ancient Samaria and ancient Babylon. And it is manifested especially in how it uses mind controls to erase the souls of women and to split the souls of children, to make Slaves, to make Drones.
To sacrifice unto Molech, to be blunt about it.
Erase the soul of the woman, she will then turn into the shell in which the Reptilian can live then she will eat her young,
just like the Reptiles eat their young.
It's in the Bible--all over the Old Testament,
but one does not have to read the Old Testament to see it, all one has to do, is look at the teachings of today's church culture and it's effects on the Woman's Soul. She, is being erased, slowly,
so the generation of children, coming up, will be not protected, and the reptile mother, will offer that child up, to be sacrificed, to the 'gods'.
It is not a coincidence, that Alice in Wonderland is back--
In solidarity, remember something, Jesus said, BY THEIR FRUITS YOU SHALL KNOW THEM....FRUITS, OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONG SUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, ETC., IF THOSE ARE NOT LEFT IN THE 'WAKE' OF SOMEONE PROFESSING JESUS, BUT INSTEAD THERE IS A PATH OF DESTRUCTION/DESOLATION LEFT, THAT IS NOT JESUS, THAT IS SATAN...I am learning that it is very important to judge our lives by the fruits we Leave, not just what we 'act' which can be false...and that is where I saw how I was ensnared by Satan doing his will, a weed, not a follower of Jesus Christ--the teachings today, especially the ones about submission/authority are twisted and false, they are working and have been which the culprit is the deceptiveness of our Hearts, we are drawn away and enticed/also end days, perilous times will come, those end days began YEARS ago, even prior to America--but anyway those distortions are actually what is leading many to worship the Beast, and they won't or don't even know it...this is why it is Imperative to study the Word of God in both testaments and to DO the Word of God, to Obey Jesus--this is what I am seeing about MY self and life. I was deceived for Years, and it is very difficult to get unsnared, because the LIES are so wrapped in what LOOKS like CHRISTIANITY--it isn't. SEEK DILIGENTLY, IN THE WORD OF GOD, ASK, SEEK, KNOCK.
Jane
If you thought the abuse of Women was enough reason to question religion-dogma--the lust for GOLD is a much more solid reason that reveals the False Prophets under Religion.
And not just the Christian 'religion' either, the lust and slavery for Gold was in all ancient 'god' religions, though the Mayans did not have much gold--not like the Peruvians [Incans and Aztecs]. Gold was considered the 'skin of the gods'. Funny thing is, there is more Gold in a rock in outer space than in all the earth. So, why did the 'god's mine gold here/or have humans mine it'? Good question, gold was the thing of kings--why the Egyptians, Sumerians [Sumeria or Samaria] and Babylonia were all about Gold--those furnaces, that people were burned in, were furnaces used to purify Gold.
Gold is used in electronics as it is a conductor, it is also used in things in outer space, it reflects radiation--so the 'gods' or fallen angels could have well used gold, hard to say BUT we know the Worship of 'gods and goddesses' required Human Sacrifice [fact] especially of children AND GOLD. Why gold, well, I have a theory but we'll just keep it at that, it's a theory--
also gold was used in ancient times as the currency--it showed wealth--but is that All it showed? The Old Testament God asked that numerous things be layered with gold, however that gold was the gold taken from Egypt, from jewels, melted down by the very SLAVES who for years had sweated and numerous died--mining it. In later times when God drove out the enemy lands who were Giants btw, mixed with 'fallen angel' [there are so many scriptures in OT about this fact, it appears that this earth at ONE time had angels [sons of God] LIVING ON IT, today they would be deemed 'aliens' which if you look at ancient scrolls found in Mesopotamia, is not to hard to believe. Anyway, I can't say for like Sure, I have theories but they are theories, but to me it would explain a lot why God would commit land cleansing, which He says, because the lands had become wicked, meaning the cup of iniquity was full and the wickedness and VIOLENCE was to such an extreme that there was no 'way of saving it'...IF one doesn't believe in the angels [fallen] and so forth on earth in those days or maybe people who had been worshiping demons and given to a lot of violence/extremes, it would seem that God was just a construct for Nationalists to go 'gold looting' and 'pillaging'.
But in my search for TRUTH I found something interesting about what God demanded, in the 'images' that he said were not to be done, those images were made in Gold. He also demanded that the people not make unto themselves 'gods of gold' nor Him gods of silver, meaning, using all the gold for humans and giving God silver. [Exodus Chapter 20]
The thing is, why would the gods or God want Gold? I think gold was a cloaking device of some kind or had something to do with them, being here, and the elements in outer space....however God made this earth so why would He require Gold to be mined? OR did HE? From the scriptures I do not see where HE ever demanded Gold to be stripped from the earth--in Genesis in the Garden of Eden it talks of a river where there was Gold, so Gold is in the first book of the Bible--so it obviously was plentiful here, so Why the need for mining and slavery? Well we know that Satan is the god of this world [due to the dominion/fall ?] and so, might be related, because back Then Gold was the thing of Kings, of gods. What I find interesting though is in reading God's strict laws on slavery [slavery was the common economy then] and labor-human rights, it wasn't God who was stripping the land and making slaves--it was those who worshiped other 'gods' and the taking back of Gold by the Hebrews, I believe was God's vengeance, on 1. the damage to the mother earth and 2. the blood spilled by the slaves who died mining gold for 'gods'.
It would make sense, Jesus talked about the love of mammon, well in Roman days Coins were made of what? You guessed it, GOLD. The Romans took the gold from the Temple, that Solomon built--anyway,
that explains a lot why Jesus said not to worship mammon [gold] or to lay up treasure on earth [gold]. So then, if GOD Himself did not require the mining and slavery for gold, then why did the church kill, slaughter, for Gold? The Spaniards [Catholics] took over South America and America, killed, raped, looted for none other than GOLD taken back to the cities, they made natives slaves for Gold. The Protestants did too--in America later, called the Gold Rush. Numerous slaves were used, women trafficked for sex slavery for miners and well,
there is only one obvious answer--Religion, is not the worship of GOD, nor of JESUS, but a facade, of 'gods' worship masked with Jesus--for GOLD and WEALTH. IT would explain the whole semblance to Egypt, which the Dollar Bill,
take a look....
you can take it up from there, more on Gold this week....
see videos below--about some of the things found in ancient stones. On ancient 'gods' this first I have seen in dreams--God warned me, the Beast--the worship of them is coming back--this is Why God said in OT, DO NOT WORSHIP THE 'gods' [HE DIDN'T DENY THEIR EXISTENCE] FOR FOLLOW THEM, SERVE THEM, OR DO THEIR WAYS--ALSO NOT TO SACRIFICE CHILDREN THROUGH THE 'FIRE' TO MOLECH AND OTHER gods/goddesses [INCLUDES NOT TO PROSTITUTE GIRLS TO THEM].
[the Nephilim are mentioned in the Bible--also through out the entire Old Testament, the Reptilians are FALLEN ANGELS. [we are not to revile them either--just don't worship them nor follow their ways]
You heard about the 'gold' so...more on Ancient Mesopotamia [and know, the temples today, the world's Banks, who are wanting to go Sharia banking under Islam, have tons of Gold in them]
this video, other than Nimrod [I believe it is Jesus Christ who returns] really depicts well, the story of the gods/etc., With scripture, though I would include Chronicles and Kings 1 and 2, which all mention the giants...
now the reason I am posting these is that the Mayans believe that 2012 is the end, they have the giant Serpent on their pyramid...I don't believe it ends in 2012, I do believe however, that it's related to the Beast, spoken about in Revelations.
More on ancient--all which, mined gold--and then look at gold and currency,
what the most horrid thing is, is how much Blood has been spilled for gold/wealth, Especially Women/girls, children, water being poisoned to where thousands had no drinking water [mercury and cyanide]. As far as slavery, we ARE to SERVE, be SERVANTS, to LOVE ONE ANOTHER, to be a bond servant to Jesus Christ, God who gave Himself through His only begotten son, who is the TRUE HEAVENLY 'KING'...
are we 'serving' God or serving Mammon? I for many years, even poor, served mammon [this world], until God showed me the error of my ways--where I am working to change now, one does not have to be rich, to be a worshiper of 'gods', they are Very deceptive. Our 'lusts' from our hearts is what snares us...anyway,
Jesus is the answer, the Salvation, only HE can free us, if we serve Him and Believe.
But, so you know what is more and more coming into the world--Read the Bible--It is THE BOOK OF TRUTH, the TRUTH, do NOT follow 'religion', trust God, not man.
and God delivered them from the House of Bondage [Egypt]
to those who have ears, let them hear...
Jane
WAS 'EVE' WANTING FREEDOM FROM MINING GOLD? THE TRUTH ABOUT 'DIRTY GOLD' AND THE HARMS ON WOMEN'S HUMAN RIGHTS
Going all the way back to the Garden of Eden, there was GOLD. Through the Kingdoms, from Pharaoh's Egypt to King Solomon to the Roman Empire TO THE GENOCIDE AND SLAVERY OF NATIVE AMERICAN INDIANS [AND NUMEROUS RAPES OF WOMEN] TO NONE OTHER THAN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH VIA EUROPE/PROTESTANT 'GUILDS' WHO WERE ALL ABOUT 'GOLD', to the WORLD BANKS TODAY,
Credit: Daniel Owusu-Koranteng/WACAM [NOTE: IN A MINING ACCIDENT IN GHANA --ALSO ONE OF THE WORST STATES FOR TRAFFICKING/FORCED SEX SLAVERY OF GIRL CHILDREN--NUMEROUS WOMEN DIED IN A HORRIBLE MINING ACCIDENT, THIS IS COMMON, see the map for other horrid details of the FACTS/or TRUTH about GOLD MINING--so all that GOLD in Old Testament, thousands of pounds to the kings, CAME FROM 'SLAVES', obviously--it should be noted too, when America had the so called Gold Rush, hundreds of Asian girls were brought here, chained to beds in brothel hells and forced into sex slavery to Miners. FACT...
maybe it's time to search for some Truth, about Religion, Slavery/Gold and HUMAN RIGHTS--WHY IT'S SO EASY TO SLAUGHTER--RAPE--KILL WOMEN/CHILDREN FOR MINING RESOURCES, SUCH AS 'GOLD' AND WHY DO OUR BANKS HOLD SO MUCH OF IT? Inquiring minds, want to know, is it a SIN to want to know TRUTH?
GOLD has been the mined resource that has been the ENSLAVEMENT/DEATH OF NUMEROUS HUMANS, MANY OF THEM WOMEN, WHO BEAR THE WORST BRUNT OF IT. From 'DirtyGold' and why you should care, on Women--link at bottom, this will be an ongoing search for TRUTH on this blog.
 Women hold up their list of complaints about the mine pit behind them in Tintaya, Peru. Credit: Ingrid Macdonald/Oxfam CAA |
 Environmental problems related to mining affect women both in their work as farmers and as family caregivers and providers. Credit: Ernesto Cabellos/Guarango Cine y Video |
http://www.nodirtygold.org/disadvantaged_women.cfm
God sends Rain on both the Good and the Evil
click video--read below, something I've been thinking on a lot--Jesus said, we are to Obey His teachings, if we do we will be wise, build our house on the Rock, so when the storms come, the storms come to the foolish too, the same storms but those who Obey Jesus's Teachings, not just believe He exists, their house will stand...
it wouldn't Seem that way, because of how life is, but I think, from learning the Hard way, that 'house' is our soul, our spiritual walk, our spiritual state, in Him. He is faithful, His Word is true...He said, Peace I leave you, not as the world gives, but the Peace I leave, let not your heart be troubled or afraid...what IS that peace? NOT as the world gives,
is our lens, on love and peace, distorted, I think so. It has to be more than a 'flesh' experience, which is so easily ruffled, especially in the storms of life. Well, anyway--read below the video.
Matthew 5:44-48 (King James Version)
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
"45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
scripture from Bible Gateway King James Version
Peace,
Jane
End of Mother's Day Series, The Mothering of Mother Earth and Mother Creatures
Well this is later than I had planned, partly because what I was going to go with, when I watched several videos on the abandonment of children, the anti-mother sentiments that are increasing, etc., and especially two videos, one on the horrors of Institutionalized Parenting [which I personally know a little about, lived in orphanage when 14 for a year but even then it was not as horrid as those in Nanny Police States--though those Do exist in America], but what really disturbed me was a video I saw in regards to one Nation using Feminism--and Liberation from Poverty [so they claimed] as nothing more than a means to Trafficking and ENSLAVE POOR CHILDREN, which I will be showing this week...
so anyway my thoughts on what to write here began to take on a transformation but not sure really where it's going--so, for now, I am going to post some photos, you look at them and this will allow me some time to put this together however the Holy Spirit leads me to, these are Female Animals, Mothers.
And while you look at them, think to yourself, how many Humans would be brave enough to go up to these mothers and attempt to 'take their young away' and then, Why that is? What is it about Their power, compared to the Power of Female Mothers...in how the Societies or Tribes rather, TREAT the MOTHERS of both...
Now, what WE, under Patriarchy [male dominion with some, but not a lot, of female help and of course the Power Hegemony of Wealth and CONSUMPTION] to THEIR HOMES
http://www.wetasschronicles.com/archives/2005_11_06_archive.html
COUNTRY
| No OF TESTS 1,030715 45 204 41 2,035 nuclear bombs! | DATE OF FIRST TEST 14th July 1945 29th August 1949 3rd October 1952 13th February 1960 8th May 1964 | DATE OF LAST TEST 23rd September 1992 24th October 1990 26th November 1991 15th July 1991 15th May 1995 |
see rest of Nuclear Testing Info including Numbers of Deaths caused by, here:
http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20Government/nuclear_testing.htm
This used to be a Rain Forest [home for numerous animals, birds, etc]
Polluted lakes and Rivers
TOXIC DUMPING IN 'POOR' PEOPLE'S LANDS
Land that Could have been used for FARMLAND to feed NUMEROUS STARVING--YET, LIKE NUMEROUS COUNTRIES IT CAN'T BE,
WHY? BECAUSE OF OVERPOPULATION-BABIES? MOMMIES?
NO
TRY, ANOTHER...
L.A.N.D.M.I.N.E.S.
AIR POLLUTION, and guess what, last I knew, BABIES DIDN'T DRIVE...China did NOT look like this when they used Bikes even With overpopulation [which btw, was due to patriarchal 'mandates' for none other than a huge ass Army]
Tomorrow I will follow up on this series, but for now...
I find it amazing, that the Destruction of the Mother animals and their babies Habitat, wasn't done by Human Mothers and Babies, HARDLY
it was done by
CARS [CONSUMPTION]
TOXIC DUMPING
NUCLEAR [WAR]
OIL, OIL, OIL [CONSUMPTION]
WOODS FOR HOUSES [NOT FOR YOUR AVERAGE FAMILY OF FOUR, OH NO, THEY CAN'T AFFORD IT, FOR TWO PEOPLE FAMILIES WITH ONE KID, THE YOUNG PROFESSIONALS OR WITH NO KIDS, THOSE 200,000 TO 1,000,000 CONDOS/LOFTS, ETC--IT'S STATUS REMEMBER] taken from FORESTS
FORESTS DESTROYED FOR LAND FOR 'COWS' FOR AMERICAN/WESTERN 'BEEF' EATERS
A.K.A. RESTAURANTS FOR THE 'RICH' [most families can't afford that usually]
etc etc etc
My POINT being, that the Destruction of the Planet, is NOT due to Babies or Mothers, but the Devaluing of, for none other than
CONSUMPTION AND GREED.
that, and WAR, for CONSUMPTION AND GREED [ECONOMIC INTERESTS]
see the Connection?
Tomorrow, what is Mother Nature, answering Back with?
Jane
MOTHER'S DAY THE DEVALUING OF 'MOTHERS' DEVALUES ALL WOMEN PART 2 OF SERIES
MOTHER'S DAY WHY IT IS STILL IMPORTANT JUST AS MUCH AS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY
Part 2 The Devaluing of Mothers Devalues All Women
Mothers, one of the Main Source of Life Nurtures in our World, yet today they are Endangered, Yes Endangered,
and the More Motherhood is Demonized, the More Endangered Women will become [and that demonization also includes the patriarchal gender roles males supreme and women inferior to enforce the misogynist belief of Male Entitlement to Rule and Oppress/Own women using motherhood to Chain her]
NOW BEFORE ALL THE 'CHRISTIAN PATRIARCHS AND CAPITALIST PATRIARCHS GET ALL EXCITED,
LOOK AT THE VIDEOS, ALL THESE HORRIFIC CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, ESPECIALLY AGAINST
WOMEN AND CHILDREN
ARE IN 'RELIGIOUS INFLUENCED 'PATRIARCHAL' SOCIETIES...
BUT, ALAS,
BEFORE THE NON-RELIGIOUS GET TOO HAPPY WITH GLEE, LETS LOOK AT OTHER SIDE OF
MISOGYNY, SHALL WE, AND 'IT'S' CONTRIBUTIONS, TO THE DEMISE OF
WOMAN
THANK YOU MATERIALISTS, CAPITALISTS, TECHNICAL WORSHIPERS
excerpt: Making mobile phones uses minerals only available from Congo's war zone. Is our appetite for the latest electronic gadgets fuelling exploitation in the Congoeven threatening the survival of central Africas magnificent gorillas?
On the inside of many devices like mobile phones and laptops, the mineral, Coltan, has made our gadgets smaller and more complex. In the mineral-rich Congo, armed militia watch over the children digging it from the ground. The government only pretends to help us says one miner, who pays a government official just to work. The Congo is a shifting sands of various militia, the largest of which is the Congolese state itself explains an expert on blood minerals. Yet the miners depend on the little they get from mining to survive. Electronic giants like Apple now claim they will no longer use Coltan from this area but experts are convinced the militias will smuggle it onto the market regardless. For local miners, the move away from African minerals is just another way of penalising Africans. Coltan fuels a conflict, which has seen national parks become war zones, gorillas killed for meat and hundreds of houses set on fire in turf wars over mineral territory. Yet it also feeds 400,000 petty traders. Why did it take a mobile phone to make us appreciate the injustice in the Congo?
Produced by ABC Australia, distributed by Journeyman Pictures
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gCuLuwoovk
WHETHER IT'S ANTI-MOTHER IN SECULARISM-ATHEISM OR PERPETUATING WOMEN'S OPPRESSION UNDER THE 'LIE' OF FORCING MOTHERHOOD SO THAT MEN HAVE ENTITLEMENT-FREEDOM, WHY ATHEIST-HUMANIST MISOGYNY IS JUST THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN OF RELIGIOUS MISOGYNY
THE RESULTS ARE SIMILAR, TAKE A LOOK--RUSSIA, ALBANIA, ROMANIA
WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU HAVE THE 'STATE' AS HUSBAND AND PARENT, WHEN YOU DO AWAY WITH
MOTHERS -- WHY THE 'INSTITIONALIZING OF 'PARENTING' KILLS CHILDREN, WHAT THE ANTI-MOTHER SECULARISTS
DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW...
THE 'OTHER' MISOGYNIST EXTREME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJ39fZWkgnM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUvOjnwE-Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDR5xpLEx-U
WHERE HAVE ALL THE CHILDREN GONE? Underpopulation in Europe [prior to mass migration of Muslims which is changing the face of Europe into an Islamic STATES], here you have underpopulation or institutionalizing children/street children,
and in Patriarchal Religious countries, you have women/mothers and children, raped, sold, butchered,
DO YOU SEE THE ROOT? IT'S NOT RELIGION, IT'S HATRED OF
WOMAN
OF WOMB
OF MOTHERS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WOKszPk8dQ
IF WOMEN AND MOTHERS WERE NOT 'HATED', DEMONIZED, EXPLOITED, DEVALUED
THERE WOULDN'T BE THESE SOCIAL PROBLEMS--THE ROOT ISN'T HOUSING, THE ROOT ISN'T POLITICS ONLY, THE ROOT ISN'T RELIGION ONLY, THE ROOT ISN'T SECULARISM ONLY
IT'S DEVALUING OF WOMEN AND OF MOTHERS AND NOT REALIZING
HOW VERY IMPORTANT THEY ARE--TO THE SURVIVAL OF ALL
HUMANITY.
where are these trafficked/stolen children being taken? Well, it might surprise you, but Europe is a main place for Child Prostition, Protected and Even ENDORSED by the anti-God pro Pedophilia lot, Porn Industry, etc, supported by none other than numerous
ACADEMICS
LEFTISTS
RIGHT WING PROSTITUTE MONGERS
RELIGIOUS RAPISTS [OR THOSE WHO HAVE NO ISSUE WITH FORCE MARRYING YOUNG GIRLS]
AND NUMEROUS OTHER SECULARISTS--FROM GERMANY, ITALY, HOLLAND [HUGE PROBLEM IN FACT], UNITED STATES, MILITARY ZONES [MILITARIZATION],
ELITES FROM GOVERNMENT, COMMERCE, LEGAL MEN
RICH INCLUDING MALES AND FEMALES WHO USE THESE CHILDREN AS 'SLAVES' INCLUDING NANNIES/SEX SLAVES,
AND
ORGAN THEFTS, ETC.
THIS PHOTO, FROM NONE OTHER THAN AMERICA, OAKLAND CA, CHILD PROSTITUTION EPIDEMIC
http://www.antifascistencyclopedia.com/allposts/child-prostitution-epidemic-in-oakland-ca-2
AND THIS IS WHY, I WILL NEVER, BE SILENT, WHY I WILL WORK TO CONFRONT THE HYPOCRISY IN THE 'LEFTISM' SECULARIST ANTI-GOD PRO-PEDOPHILE LOT [see the misogyny in Atheism series, I will be covering more on this issue, it's Why I got out of the left politics BTW, because these pro-pedophile jerks [many women included] are IN numerous socialist, humanist and academic lobbying groups, they USE the misogyny in Christian cults/circles to Promote a False liberation, but really, their goals, is to see to it that there are NO protections for children therefore making children vulnerable to Their sexual exploits. One of their main parties is in CA BTW, but they are Far worse, in their Influence, in ACADEMIA AND IN PSYCHOLOGY AND PSYCHIATRY, ESPECIALLY IN GERMANY, HOLLAND, ETC. [that doesn't Include Islam's sanctioning of child forced marriage of underage girls, or Christianity's 'fundie cults' which basically do the same garbage to girls/women].
AS WELL AS THE PATRIARCHAL-RELIGIOUS MISOGYNY--
BOTH, IN MY BOOK, NEED TO GO DOWN.
In the article regarding the epidemic of Child Prostitution [trafficking] in Oakland, it's Amazing how these 'johns' claim that one, they don't get sex in normal channels, Meaning, that grown women/Wives won't tolerate them RAPING them--what Assholes,
and then, they have to be Taught how RAPING a child is DAMAGING TO A CHILD,
it's just UNREAL, the BULLSHIT, these ASSWIPES will use, to get OUT of punishment,
to hell with retraining, what these MEN, MANY WHOM THE GIRLS RESCUED SAY ARE 'RICH' [TYPICAL CAPITALIST MINDSET], IS NOT EDUCATION
BUT
FULL CASTRATION.
When we stop CODDLING PEDOPHILES AND RAPISTS--WE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A SAFER WORLD FOR CHILDREN AND
FOR MOTHERS. and BEFORE THE 'CHRISTIAN' PATRIARCHS /COMP DESPOTS get their pants wet with glee over My confronting the Secular Pedophiles,
you need to be aware of the NUMEROUS SO CALLED 'CHRISTIAN' MEN WHO ARE TRAFFICKING/AND ARE IN PEDOPHILIA--YOU'D BE SHOCKED, AT THE RIGHT WING, THAT ARE JUST AS NOTORIOUS FOR THIS DISGUSTING HUMAN RIGHTS TRAVESTY AS THE SECULARISTS
IN OTHER WORDS, SATAN IS IN THE TEMPLE--
SEE THE numerous case files this website has been keeping track of, you'd be surprised at how many Christian or who lay claim to that title, are trafficking, molesting/raping children, as well as Government [both Right and Left] so,
on Blackwater and [their using children], and if you look to the top, you'll see the many cases, this website has logged.
http://www.antifascistencyclopedia.com/allposts/blackwater-used-child-prostitutes-in-iraqlawyers-trade-accusations-over-blackwater
It's I think, vital that we confront how demonization of Mothers, of Women, contributes to the abuses of Children, it's a domino effect, where ever there is mass exploitation of Children, especially Girls,
there is Always, a low status/regard for WOMEN. The two go hand in hand...that includes using women as nothing more than Cheap Labor--demonizing motherhood to create vulnerable segments/marginalized children, women to Exploit.
In solidarity,
Jane
MOTHER'S DAY WHY IT IS STILL IMPORTANT JUST AS MUCH AS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY
Until Monday, going to do something a bit different, using a mix of media, to speak a message.
Mother's Day, Why it is Just as Important to Recognize the Value and Contributions of Mothers, but NOT in the Capitalist way we know of. I am not big on Mother's Day, in the Patriarchal sense of the holiday, I favor Women's Day, for All women...but I think, all Women, are Mothers, whether they have children or not, if they nurture, care, life, whether it's life of the planet earth, animal rights, human rights, relief work, mission work, ministry work, etc.,
so, a mix of well, just things from my heart--dedicated to the Mother who took me in, adopted me, took care of me, through my Grandmother, and other women, my Mother, who when my biological mother wasn't really there for me, He was, God...
"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." Psalm 27:10
to those who have ears let them hear...
If WE, Feminists, do NOT Realize the Huge Importance of being Mothers, if WE, Christian Women, do NOT realize the Huge Importance of being Mothers who Fear God more than PATRIARCHAL DOCTRINES AND MEN
if WE, Women's Rights Activists do NOT realize the Huge Importance of caring for All Children and NOT just our Own,
WE, HAVE
FAILED.
BECAUSE OUR CHILDREN, ARE ALSO OUR DAUGHTERS,
IF WE FAIL THEM
ALL OUR EFFORTS FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS
ALL OUR EFFORTS FOR SAVING MOTHER EARTH
ALL OUR EFFORTS FOR EQUALITY, SOCIAL JUSTICE, FOR JESUS
HAVE ULTIMATELY FAILED
AND THE
REPERCUSSIONS OF THOSE FAILURES
ARE FELT, FOR GENERATIONS...
IT IS NOT
JUST A DAY ONCE A YEAR FOR MEN TO 'FEEL GOOD' IF THEY BUY A MOTHER A ROSE
IT IS NOT JUST A DAY THAT IS A NUISANCE FOR BORG LOVERS, WOMAN HATERS, WOMB HATERS
IT IS A DAY
THAT SHOULD BE A REMINDER
THAT MOTHERS, AS WELL AS FATHERS
HOLD MORE IN THEIR HAND
THAN JUST
A CHILD
LEST WE FORGET,
ALL SUCCESS, ALL GLORY, ALL FAME
MEAN NOTHING
IF OUR CHILDREN ARE SACRIFICED, IF OUR CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW LOVE
IF THEY DO NOT KNOW LOVE, FROM US
THEY WILL HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME, KNOWING GOD'S LOVE
GOD IS OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, OUR HEAVENLY MOTHER
IF WE FAIL OUR CHILDREN
WE REALLY ARE SAYING
WE DO NOT KNOW YOU,
GOD.
Today that are Thousands of children, on our Streets, in our mental hospitals-clinics struggling with suicide and self harm,
in our drug rehabs
in our jails and prisons.
WHAT is WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
I think, number one, the Day we Devalued the Mother, the day we Devalued the Womb, the day we Devalued and Demonized Motherhood as being
weak, parasitical, dependent, stupid, cheap, etc
WE really, devalued Children, we devalued
OURSELVES.
In solidarity,
Jane
More to come on this...
Music Sunday!
Well as promised, from now on Sundays will be my Music posts, nothing but Music...there is a message, a prayer to Jesus, dedication...reflections of what He is doing in me and well,
the Holy Spirit can do the rest. Love, Jane
The Struggle, from the Wilderness [old favorite, many of you might recognize this one]
The Struggle Intensifies
Different from Me
Shadow of the Day
The Desire==Coming Clean {by Hillary Duff, I didn't care for the video, it doesn't go with the lyrics, so I am using this one with lyrics instead, God knows what it means for me}
The Only One Who Can...
In Jesus Name,
Jane
Broken, Abandoned, Desolate, the Lament of the Homeless and the Sinner
For the past couple of days I have been dealing with numerous triggers and dreams of my days of homelessness; A week ago, I was gardening, digging up an old bed where the soil was extremely black and putrid. There were tons of ants. I asked the Lord about it and He told me the ants were the negative and blasphemous thoughts I often struggle with, the darkness in me that prayer and casting down has not been able to remove. Why I asked? Then God showed me the rocks that circled the little plot of land, one was missing, and I knew then there was a window open, somewhere in my life that was allowing these negative thoughts of darkness in. But then the Spirit prompted me to look at this huge rock right next to the windowed/spaced area, I lifted it, loe and behold that is where All the ants were coming from. I knew then, that something, something very deep, and hard was lodged and that with all that God has dug up and removed, there was something there that was just not budging, or hadn't been touched yet.
So OK I ask what could it be, I had dealt with the RA and Sexual abuse, the rape, the abuse and abandonment in past marriages, what else IS there? Well, then the next night I am watching some videos, how I got to them not really sure, I know I was looking for something to post somewhere and I come across a video of a woman whom I found out about during my early days in activism for the homeless. In those days I was very revolutionary and angry, extremely opposed to religion and especially Protestant churchianity. I hated right wing politics with a Passion and Fervor that could not be tamed or quenched. You see I had lived on the streets, while pregnant, and I worked, I did all the right American Dream things, so I thought...anyway, the thing is, it wasn't the First time I was homeless. I had been homeless when I was living with a violent ex con [after leaving my second marriage--he married me only for a green card/from Britain, I was young and very dumb then] and we had left for KY. Needless to say the man wouldn't work, was a meth head, very violent, tried to kill me a couple of times, raped me, when I did try to leave him he somehow would find out and once my car caught on fire...so I was stuck. The only reason I am alive today is he broke into a church for stereo equipment for drugs no less and was caught--he went to prison. Otherwise, I can guarantee you, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this right now.
Anyway, I worked to support him and my oldest daughter [I lost her when she was six years] but anyway, he wouldn't work, or when he did it was very brief. I remember having to sell my blood to pay rent with the low income/waiting tables I made. Plus the violence...I must say too that my second husband offered to marry me when I was at that time, only 19 and facing homelessness, I had a trailer, it was behind a warehouse that I rented anyway the town found out, due to zoning I was to move...I had no where to go, and well, he was better than the streets. So that was three times I had been homeless or twice actually--avoided it when I married my second husband but fact was, we never had any 'relationship', he got his green card as they were about to kick him out due to expired visa, he was NOT in love with me, and I was young, desperate and well, dumb. Prior to him, I had been in and out of numerous homes, at 16+ ran away from home and moved in with a man I didn't even know, due to my being a minor, yes sold myself, anyway, he was a violent drunk, left him when he was going to kill me one day after one of his drunk sprees and I moved to a city park...a couple took me in, for a while I stayed with them and paid rent/worked at a fast food place--they had a baby and I didn't feel right staying there, so moved in with another couple, and then the pattern would begin...
I didn't realize till the other day that all these times, I was homeless, Numerous times, not just the three main ones...I just never really 'tied it all together' but the pattern was, I would pay rent for a room, and the 'husband' would at sometime when wife was gone, say, 'I have always thought you were cute and my wife blah blah blah and well you know, I want you' and then the pressure was on. I was 18 1/2 and 19 at the time and so for like a year to two this I would run into, when I DID tell the wife I got my ass thrown out into the streets--why I was trying to break up the marriage...the next time it happened, I DIDN'T tell and she found out and I Still got thrown out so By the TIME I WAS 20 I pretty much knew,
need a place to sleep, then I'm going to have to put out or if I don't, out I go. It Didn't matter that I paid rent, for a room, you see, that was the 'privilege' I had to pay back, and well it was this way growing up, my mother' s house was NEVER OUR HOME, oh no way, it was a Privilege and one that by golly I was damn lucky to even be ALLOWED TO 'LIVE' much less to be allowed to have a bed, Never had my own room, ever. I never had privacy, wasn't allowed, my sexuality, my body, my mind, belonged to HER and to others before I was 6 years old. So I KNEW what my role in life was, the WHORE, I K.N.E.W.
So I guess I had internalized that and not only did I run into this with living areas but with jobs too--when I started working in bars/and construction companies, three times, I was told, fuck me or else...So,
to make a long story short, even my marriages, were around economics, either I was not making enough money and facing homelessness or was homeless or so broken from being homeless and it wasn't until the other day Praying about this that I realized, for the First time, 30 times, I had been homeless, kicked out for NOT fucking, or fucked to Have a place, to BELONG, to SOMEONE, ANYONE, BUT JUST TO BELONG, EVEN IF IT WAS A 'DAMN FANTASY IN MY HEAD IT WAS BETTER THAN NOTHING,
and I took it. It explains why I have Four kids from Four different fathers...I'm married now, but the Realization of this, just well, THAT WAS
'THE ROCK' THAT WAS NEXT TO THE 'WINDOW'...
and Realizing this, I haven't been myself since...IF I ever Was myself, really thinking on that one. From Birth to this last marriage, that is ALL I HAVE KNOWN, and now I know why so often I would want to run away, or Did run away, but what Shocked me the most is I had always thought that the issues I have with disassociation and not being able to 'connect' with anyone was due to the RA, but NO, that wasn't it at all,
it was all the times of being homeless or without really having anywhere I belonged, no family, other than my Nana who was an alcoholic, and well, I just never put it together. Because I had moved in rooms/or small shared duplexes, though I got kicked out for not putting out I never deemed that as Homelessness, because for me being homeless was the two times I was actually OUT on the STREETS FOR LONG PERIOD OF TIME OR IN TRANSITIONAL HOUSING...ONCE FOR TWO YEARS, THE OTHER FOR A YEAR. So I never included all the times of 'living in constant upheaval, abuse or transition from abuse' AS being Homeless,
but it Was. And so two days ago I counted, All the times that I was tossed out for not giving it up or for avoiding rape [a couple of those] and well, for marrying when NOT loved but to Avoid homelessness and it added up to No kidding
30 times. Since CHILDHOOD.
No wonder I have PTSD, serious, but WHY didn't I get this before? Why? Was I THAT used to it that to me this was NORMAL? So O.K. so I tell God oh that's it and pray about it, have a day of mourning, think I'm O.K., then you know move on and this morning, I am praying and like I think it's all o.k., I went to bed late last night, woke up Way too early, so I snuggle back in thinking OK God well let's have a good dream, like where will He take me, maybe to the ocean or the stars, I have those dreams a lot so anyway,
I then have this dream, of being Homeless, shacking up in this garage with this woman, I don't really know what city or where I am at, I am taken to this place by a woman who says she'll pick me up, all I have is one purse and my clothes are at this garage, I have two other big bags in the car, with one of my kids, she dumps me off, at this restaurant [I worked in food for Years] and well so like she's supposed to pick me up at a certain hour, me and my kid go to meet her, and there are my other two bags sitting by the curb. I do NOT know where I am at, or HOW to get back to this garage, and so I go to this place, start telling this woman about my loans and life and debt and I'm just like not knowing where the hell I'll be that night or where to go and IF that woman will pick me up, maybe she will come back, and there is a doctor's office in same building with this long line of people, waiting, he's not arrived yet...
I wake up.
FURIOUS, oh my gosh I was so furious and I just told God off [in my head] and like, said, you know this is why I don't believe in the whole love shit and the if you do this, this and you'll be taken care of BECAUSE I KNOW BETTER, I KNOW DIFFERENT, THIS HAS BEEN ALL MY DAMN LIFE....
and THIS ISN'T WHERE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME GOD...
WHY?
Well earlier before I had fallen asleep I read Lamentations and last night Wisdom [from the earlier Bibles that Didn't take those books out] and so I remember reading through all the judgments of God and when I got to the part about Mercy I just kind of went blank and He said, YOU don't know what my ways are. Well I thought, He was referring to Sinless and Holiness...but NO, that wasn't what He meant...then I knew, WHY HE had let me have that dream,
THAT IS WHAT I KNOW, IT IS ALL I KNOW, I DO not know what it is to Belong, I DO NOT know what it is to really have a HOME where I am NOT forced to PUT OUT or OUT I go, I just don't know, OR where I am not HATED, ABUSED, USED, AND MISTREATED, I JUST DON'T KNOW...the Idea of being Wanted, having a HOME is FOREIGN TO ME, it's like trying to get me to know what living in outer space is, I can't, it is just That foreign to me, so then,
HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I REALLY KNOW THE KINDNESS OF GOD?
I know like in my Head but I Don't know, I really don't, and I never really got just HOW much God and HIS WAYS are like So foreign to me, Why I have no problem Believing in God's judgment and Surely not any problem believing I'll hear, I DON'T KNOW YOU, DEPART FROM ME, that is the all time FEAR that I have--IT'S WHAT I KNOW,
so IF I don't get all my sins/debts paid, IF I don't get all my self cleaned up, it's the I NEVER KNEW YOU...I live by that, I hate by that, I fear by that, I am tormented by that...
AND TODAY, I LEARNED, THAT IS NOT
GOD'S WAY.
So, here is what He showed me today...more on this tomorrow, the Video, btw, I am dedicated [the last videod/music] to All the Homeless out there, Jesus, wants me to tell you, because He told me, HE Knows, what it is, to be without Home or place of BELONGING...HE KNOWS...
DESOLATION, BROKEN, HOMELESS, NO PLACE TO BELONG, SEPARATION
AND THEN, JESUS ANSWERED, WHERE THE BROKEN, HOMELESS, DESOLATE, CAN GO AND HE KNOWS, HE, KNOWS
SO I AM HANGING ONTO HIM, HE WILL NOT ABANDON ME, OR YOU, HE WILL NOT THROW US OUT, HE WILL NOT FORSAKE US, HIS BLOOD WASHES IT ALL AWAY, HE IS, MY HOME, NO ONE, WILL EVER, PLUCK ME OUT OF HIS HAND
NO ONE.
37All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.
38For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.
39And this is the Father's will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.
40And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day.
Bible scriptures from: http://www.biblestudytools.com
and http://www.biblegateway.com
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