HEARTBURN

 

 I was reading over at Mott's blog and replied to her, her article today, triggered a lot.  In fact, I've been getting triggered So much lately, that I am finding myself 'switching' again, more than usual...for me this is survival, how I keep from getting to that place where I give up all autonomy and self control, living in this state of resignation, when I get to That state, I get in a dark place--and more and more I find I understand death, which is NOT good--not in the way I understand it, nihilism, a type of nihilism that is this pit or bottomless place that is nightmarish--because submission in that place, Evil literally begins to consume.  

I find that I have to fight, this is where I do the 'switch', my other part or self, who is not afraid to push the envelope, she comes out for breath, she comes out and fights back...even at God.  She is not content to just Believe...She wants Proof and by golly if God can't provide that proof she isn't going to just settle for a Book, for what Men have said or anyone else for that matter--

and then the War is on...I'm talking an internal war, I describe it like this, remember Star Wars, the scene where Yoda takes Luke to this dark forest, and Luke has to fight, he 'thinks' he is fighting Darth Vader but really turns out, Darth Vader is him, the mirror image of his self.  I believe the new movie, "The Black Swan" is a good descriptor from what I've heard, I've yet to see the film but it sounds a lot like dealing with altars, though for me, I didn't have like gaps in whole months or years that I didn't or Wasn't aware of my being, in other words, for many with DID they literally will lose gaps in memory, for months or even years at a time when their 'altars' have taken over and live--I don't have that on THAT level, there is only a Few months, that memories are very shady--and I don't know if that is an Age thing so much or how much of that is normal, I do know, I have a very difficult time in getting memory and Time of what took place right--it's like so much is scrambled up, during some of the years, and it was Those years when I was really living self-destructively So I assume that was years my altar or other self, though not Completely taken over but just enough of a personality switch where what I normally wouldn't do, I did--it's like, gaps in time where I did things that went against my value system, not to Extremes, but opposed to my personality or core inner self, which you see That girl, she was a girl who was always terrified, submissive, shy, but mostly Fearful.  

The altar, switch, was also fearful but very, VERY rebellious, angry, but sneaky in doing her thing--passive aggressive, I'm talking here about my younger years, early twenties teens, etc.  This became less obvious as I got older, for reasons I'm not clear about--and the time gaps of the switch got longer, I think this has a lot to do with the years I would get IN back with Faith [even if half ass] and the years I would Totally go the exact opposite, not even Thinking about God...not even Caring.  I know NOW that this was a lot due to DETACHMENT, TO SURVIVE TRAUMA, to not HAVE to deal with the pain...that altar was very good at NOT dealing,

living a LIE and that she did well.  But eventually the Feelings caught up, and the LIE could not hold the Truth back any longer--and then, when I came back to the faith...and came to grips with the RA [beginning to accept that Yes it happened even though I still don't have all the puzzle pieces] What my mind/altar fragments look like--Sometimes, I get this, many of you won't...though I cannot explain it, but it's This type of thing that I am Obsessed with...OCD--type of thing [or like a hamster in a wheel, I can't shut it off]

I like to use pictures because I understand through them better, yes it's Crazy...oh well.  And oddly, this puzzle stood out to me, it's called a Pyramid Puzzle, gee, coincidence I don't think so--and NOW I'll be obsessed with this for long while, how it works,

then I think to myself, I'm just concocting this shit--but Why?  Part of dealing, with the Detachment, the years and years of living a facade, a mirage Person--copying This and copying That and copying This to fit in but I never FIT...and then with Jesus--those years, Depart from me I never knew you...never good enough, never FIT, check this, check that, check check check...check--cut cut cut cut cut cut cut

Except you see, the more I cut, I cut others...I didn't like Physically self-cut myself, but Emotionally I did and I think it's Just AS damaging as the actual cutting of the body.  And I also cut others, see this, check check check cut cut cut--with Words, words are scissors, they truly are--my soul was cut up in tiny fragments with Words of those who hated me, One in particular, as a child, not an occasional being called stupid, but a Daily AND DELIBERATE WITH PLANNED INTENT even After the main abuser [mother] passed away she was Still CUTTING,

I've shared this before, I will do again--to give those who are new reading here an idea of what I'm talking about because this type of Psychological Abuse may be hard for others to understand OR it's very hard To describe--but one example, After my mother passed away in 2005, I had to go back to the childhood home where my Nana lived then my Mother, me and my brother met there, and we had to clean out the house--in Three days, so it could be sold because my brother had to get back to work--so we're going through the bedroom where she died, I hadn't talked to my mother in Two years, we didn't leave on bad terms, I just couldn't bring myself to Deal with her toxic bi-polar don't know what it is but it was like this WALL, I just couldn't break through--but at the time I couldn't break through similar WALLS to talk to my  uncle either, there was just something there, it was like I was catatonic--hard to explain, but so I'm cleaning out her drawer, now the last time we Did talk, we were civil, I had learned through the years to just say Yes dear, and let her win...there was no Disagreeing with her, there was no Not listening to her...you just shut up, and learned to take the insanity--her paranoia which in her later years got really bad--

and so I'm cleaning out the drawers, listening to my brother go off, he and her had huge fights and she had still a lot of Control over him and he was full of rage--still is, and then, I see the photos, every single photo, every single Childhood photo, all had ME cut out.  All of them, from infant to all the way to teen years...the Only photos with me NOT cut out were the ones with my children, of course, show off her grandchildren WHOM she Never wanted anything to do with--she Hated that whole mommy thing.  And she didn't hide that fact either...

it hit me, so hard, then I found a picture, ONE Picture, she had left, btw All these pictures were laid neatly in her top drawer as IF she knew one day I would find them--and this one picture, I was five years old...sitting at  the table, eyes wide and Terrified, you can tell I was angry, I hated that table, I still remember it, I still remember being forced to sit there until I ate peas, cold peas [and that was ALL I WAS GIVEN] and I could not get up to Pee, I could not get up to Sleep, I had to eat those peas and if I threw them up tough--I fell asleep in my peas, I was 3 years old, 4, those were Same years btw, I was So hungry I drank finger nail polish remover--and wound up in hospital and woke up with tubes down my throat [not the first time either]...I have witness account that she would leave me and brother in room for So long his diaper would be So full he was literally bleeding on his body--yea, That level of abandonment,

anyhow--so here's the picture, my brother seemed happy, he was about two, I look as if I'd been raped or something, and you could see the HATE in my eyes towards whoever took the picture, and on this photo, there was a huge X drawn through my face--she did that, and on the back, it says, my brother's name, year and then, and I quote [because I still have the picture and it's in my Bible], 

"my name" __?___ the devil

and then the date, I was five years old.

Yea nice Parting gift, even After her death--even After I cut ties and didn't deal with her for two years...she Still had power, she Still was cutting...it was After that, and ONLY after that, her death, that I could finally face the sexual violations/abuse, I think maybe why this is, is because IF I had of faced it, rather than stuff it or Rationalize it, while she was alive, there is no telling What I would have done--because the RAGE was just unreal... I'm talking Murderous Rage...like what my brother had,

who btw, years later, finally admitted to him, some of the things, and found I wasn't alone--he too was sexually abused.  It's not something I like to talk about Because one, I have worked through the forgiveness and I know HER past life, HER childhood and my Uncles and I know that the abuse is generational AND tied into occult influences, SHE was mentally ill, make no mistake about it.  This is not easy because Yes she was aware, She she is accountable, at the same time I know now that she was under some kind of evil force--meaning, psychopath, in a way, because she Never had or felt any remorse--and you know I don't think sadists do, I don't think malicious narcissist DO feel any empathy because there is Nothing there for them to FEEL WITH, it's Simply NOT THERE.  Why that is I don't know,

it puts the question of Evil in a whole other category that well, I don't like to get into--I do believe it's spiritual but with the triggers I am just not able to deal with much at this time--without going into some Profiling Spiral that I find, I understand and then I begin to Question my OWN state of being...

so anyway, I'm reading over at Mott's, and I responded, I hadn't planned on putting it here, but When I read over it, and it's something I've been pondering lately--I liked it, so I decided to keep it--

here it is, it's in response to her post on Getting Over it, Why They don't Understand Why They [women traumatized by sexual torture in prostitution] Don't Get Over it...[her blog is to the side on blog roll]

MY REPLY:

Good post, though it Triggers the hell out of me today–I know you don’t leave my posts up which in a way, is kind of good, in a way, disturbing, I think because 

in this weird way, if I can’t relay something, Anything, to help you deal with the yes on going pain [and NO it doesn't go way, it gets a bit easier to deal with the memories Over time and with a lot of work but life has a way of resurfacing--some days are good some days suck, what I've learned] but my point being,

there has to be a reason why survivors [God I hate that word] from trauma, even if from different sources, relate OR need to, need to maybe hope that what works for one will work for all because That is our Hope, what we look for, to help us in our own getting through,

when we don’t see that, we see the darkness win. It looks on days that Evil wins,

and some days I just get so tired of trying to wrap my mind and sort the lines of good-evil out, so I look to you, some other women, reading, hoping to see a glimmer of light, hope Other than just advocating, Then dealing with the thoughts of ‘is That what they need, Isn’t that what was the excuse and is why men go to them’, I get strange thoughts like that, false guilt,

which then That pisses me off because then I think-here is where Men win, they divide us, they separate us into hell boxes, but they do so Differently, that’s how patriarchy works. And so one pain can’t relate to the other pain…then there is anger…then further

silence.

Silence in these prisons, see so much of the trauma you speak of is So like the trauma of RA, child abuse, etc., because the powerlessness is there And like with the yes, ‘aren’t you Over it yet’ type of thing,

and I think, some of that is due to how people can’t Deal with the reality that yes, Evil Does exist, there is no reasonable explanation for it even With knowing what we do–there simply is no rhyme or reason,

to any of it.

 It’s Evil in that it is US who are expected to ‘get over it’, to be ‘fine’, ‘healed’ ‘live’

yet, there is NO JUSTICE

when WE wrong someone WE feel it–we feel the guilt

when monsters abuse, what do They feel? Do they get told get over it????

No because they don’t seem to have anything to get over do they? They don’t even see what is Wrong with the pain they cause–and on That, how does one Deal with THAT REALITY? That there are those out there, who torture, sadists, who have no conscience of what they do nor do they fear,

God, Justice, or Us.

They fear only one thing–that their freedom and mobility to Abuse and soul murder more victims will be taken from them–because that is all they have to Live on, that is their Energy,

so they fight like mad, to keep their food source.

Those like us,

but like food there is different kinds, there are salads, fruits, meats, vegetables, and so as meals, we are fragmented, tore apart, left with the shredded pieces of what we are,

what Part of us Get’s Over it? What part?

We breathe…yet even sometimes That is just too painful, with each breath.

What do the perps have to Get over? They’ve digested,

if Only, we could find a way, to leave them with unending

heartburn.

Jane

VENTING

Why I am losing So much Respect for MANY, Women, of the Christian Faith...

I posted a post, but Decided to take it down...after thinking on it for a bit.  I don't LIKE it when I hesitate to Say it like it needs to be said, when I find myself Policing myself, because What I have to say Yes will Offend some...it really Needs to be said,

but it probably wouldn't be heard AND sadly, I now how the BRAINWASHING, YES YOU HEARD ME, BRAINWASHING through man's Dogma, how it makes Many women, STUPID.  OK, there I'll say that much,

so well I take the post down--I made the Decision long ago to Cut ties with the church...and I stand on that one, I think the church culture is Far from the teachings of Jesus, I think most of the doctrines are just man's phallic center Bullshit anyway, AND I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD THING TO SAY ABOUT RIGHT WING FUNDIE CHRISTIANESE 'CULTURE' I think it's backwards, infantile, Extremely Misogynist, and Legalist-Fascist as well as Racist.

But I've had empathy for the women--but Today, I hit a snag...a woman, I won't get into details, knows she's in an abusive situ with jackass husband,  her Son is on edge, a Son that is young adult by the sounds of it, 6 foot something, big guy, and the type of 'bring it' vibe was obvious in what this woman wrote,

I told her, It's dangerous, for you AND for him, you need to GET OUT NOW...

instead, it's the Usual whine whine boo hoo poor poor husband bullshit for starters, then the Oh well God and prayer and it won't ever get That bad excuse [heard That one before] and then the warning about the very Real possibility of the Son getting into it with the Abusive asshole of a Child Father, and uh, These things can get Very explosive with Someone getting hurt or worse, killed,

and it Does happen, every damn day in this country,

and what do I get in return?  How dare you talk Truth--other women [of Faith] come in with their 'oh poor poor dear, Coddle Coddle Coddle, and you know why it's So patriarchal if Son protects Poor Poor defenseless Mommy from mean ole Daddy,

and I'm thinking, WHO'S THE FUCKING ADULT PARENT HERE?

it triggered, in a huge way, it angered, One I KNOW this situation, been there, Done that, I know it all too well, and I know the Reality of the System, the System doesn't give a Damn if you believe in Fairy tales, as an ADULT it's YOUR responsibility to care for the Children, to Protect them,

NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
There is Nothing CUTE about a Son having to play Husband to defend Submissive Patriarchal Woman,

especially a Teen.

Find a safe place I told her--my posts got removed, but the Coddling ones, poor poor dear stayed,

you know, it just Pisses me off to no end how Women, Some women of Faith, will ENDANGER THEIR CHILDREN TO KEEP SOME STUPID ASS FAIRY TALE BELIEF that isn't even Scriptural to begin with.  Even if it was, it was WRITTEN BY MEN, FOR MEN, any thinking Brain can see that...

What I can't Stand about the Co Dependency Immaturity Child Mentality b.s. of many MANY Christian women, is how it Endanger's CHILDREN

and creates environments conducive [edit--addition] no, Leads and Protects yes Child abuse.

And you know what, Dammit, I don't CARE if men have been asstards for centuries, WOMEN WE DON'T TOSS RESPONSIBILITY OVER OUR CHOICES AND DECISIONS, WHERE CHILDREN ARE CONCERNED, JUST BECAUSE MENZ DO IT...[edit--thinking on this, I am not Blaming women for not leaving and letting men off the hook, because really it IS the MEN who are the Ones to blame--I know this, what triggers me, what infuriates me, is Women who obviously KNOW better, ok, not women who are young with no life experience but women who Do have some life experience and who Know by now that these abusive jerks are NOT going to change--when these women make Steps to go to  therapy or what have you to Save these marriages to men who are Clearly just manipulating and using this to Keep the women/children IN THEIR PRISON, and when Signs are clearly there--and These women KNOW it, and NOT that it's about them leaving or not, isn't really the point, sometimes they Can't leave, I understand this, because leaving often plays Into the power of the man, HE gets custody, it happens, a lot--but when they Deny the fact that the Children are in danger and don't take steps to Protect them, That's what pisses me off--it doesn't take a lot to get a Safe place for a child to stay a couple of nights--That isn't some hard thing to do...to work on getting the Children support/therapy, Screw the sorry ass husband--Take care of you and the Children, That should be FIRST PRIORITY, not the Man, not the Husband, not the Jerk who is treating you and children like shit--what I see in many Faith women is Women who are MORE WORRIED ABOUT HUSBAND, and the kids are just left to fend for themselves, even Worse, when the kids are left to worry about protecting Mom--That's the root of my outrage here--NOT because she is the Mother, and it's her job according to Patriarchal roles- no, but because the children Need an advocate, an Adult--and Women, if the Father isn't going to BE an adult--your concern shouldn't BE how to make him a better Husband, your focus should be Because you are a Parent-Adult--how to protect and care for you but most of all the Children--NOT the man, that Man is NOT THE CHILD...IF you have to do it Behind the man's back until you can get out then Do it--but Get the children Support, NOT let teen children be the Shield--and Especially using Sons as shields, because Patriarchal Religion teaches women to be Passive and only Men can protect, shifting this on Sons--who wind up in Prison [daughters too] because Mommy passive Christian HID behind the son -- because of some Gender Construct notion--NO, Mommy, you and Daddy are Parents, PARENTS, it in No way empowers women to play Child while risking Children--while Daddy-hubby gets to be an obnoxious spoiled brat abusive Ass--and I see a LOT of CHRISTIAN women playing this role--and it's just Screwed up, it really is, the world Yes doesn't Hold men accountable, WE know that--but you Got to DRAW THE LINE, SOMEWHERE.  Women in the days when they didn't have the right to Vote, had abusive husbands, they had church culture--but These women didn't worship at the phallic center while Sacrificing their children..they may have snuck or went behind the backs to Protect the children, they may have hid money, they may have found secret network groups, and they DID do those things, but the One thing they Didn't do, is believe this Ridiculous Notion that if they just prayed, coddled, took coddling from others while Enabling childish selfish men--that God would protect them--NO, these women Knew the score, they were Very realist, they didn't Have laws to protect them, they didn't Have systems that even Allowed them to mention abuse, they didn't Have job opportunities, but they Damn sure, didn't Worship at the Altar of Menz and Husbands, they didn't Feed into the Husbands are 'god' garbage we are seeing today, and they Didn't hide behind the children, they did All in their power to Protect them--even if that meant Sending those children off somewhere they were Safe from the wrath of Daddy--Not to day  though, Today I see women write/talk More about their Husbands, who is the Center, and the children, are left to hang,

and yea, It needs to be Called out, it needs to be Confronted, and it needs to Stop being 'excused'...and Women, you Don't help women in abuse, in Explosive situations [and esp when they Say it's explosive] with the 'poor poor dear', YOU aren't helping, YOU are enabling, Prince and Fairies are NOT going to come down and Magically save them from harm--and we Need to stop Pandering to the lies, the bullshit, and the Fairy Tale Myth--they belong in Children's books, NOT in advice to women and Damn sure not when some woman is Saying--the son is in the middle playing the Protector role, NOT in this day and age when more Children are killing parents, and winding up in Adult prisons--when I see Ideologies and Faith's pushing this bullshit--Damn Right,

I get Very angry.  NOT because we know the system is already Stacked against women, making it near impossible to leave many times or rewarding men with custody--NO, but Because there are more women Concerned with Pleasing Dick--rather than Caring for herself and Especially her children, who ARE depending on her AND on him--but Just because HE isn't being a Responsible Parent--does NOT give license, for the Woman to choose to neglect, and Especially because she's more concerned with Him loving her--HE ain't worth it, sorry, but he Just isn't worth it...Any man who is an ass to children, to their mother and in front of the children--isn't worth Shit...so Why the fuck do Women still look up to these assholes?  Why do women go on and on about Poor Poor hubby and Poor man needs therapy and poor man this, poor man that,

NO, POOR MAN NEEDS HIS ASS KICKED, AND HIS ASS NEEDS TO GO TO FUCKING JAIL.  PERIOD.  TILL HE GROWS UP--AND STOPS BEING AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE--AND PRAY THEN, THAT THE PRINCE COMES, AND KICKS HIS ASS BUT GOOD--

because he's a Wuss, NOT a man--being a Sperm donor Abusive Ass Christian Bossy Jackass doesn't make a sperm tube a MAN...BEING A FATHER WHO CARES--WHO IS A PARENT, THAT'S A MAN.  Anything else, is just a boy stroking his penis still hung up in Puberty--Women Stop Pandering to them--and Stop Aiding situations where CHILDREN HAVE TO BE THE ADULTS--because MEN won't grow up.

Children didn't ASK to be created, they didn't ASK to be born--sometimes I just want to Scream at some women and say, GROW THE FUCK UP, OR ADOPT OUT THE CHILDREN...

because Really what it boils down to, is that Patriarchy teaches Women to choose Men over Children--MEN CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES

CHILDREN CANNOT.

And allowing a situation where a Son is being Protector--even praising that--is I don't know, makes me Furious,

son or daughter, his being a son isn't the point,

the Point is, being a CHILDISH WIFE-MOTHER ISN'T CUTE...I DON'T CARE WHAT THE REASON IS...NO MAN, IS WORTH THIS SHIT...NO MAN.

A couple of weeks ago, a 12 year old, shot and killed both his parents, attacked his younger siblings.  I don't ,know all the details in the case but I know it was a Christian household, in a Fundie community, and No one knew anything was Wrong, Oh nooooooo

but you know, I would almost Bet, there Were signs, I'd almost bet it was a Patriarchal marriage where Mommy really is WIFE-CHILD to a DOMINATING HUSBAND who ruled the roost and wife-child rather than step up to the plate and BE A DAMN PARENT-ADULT

instead Clung to outdated Dependency doctrine, and now they are dead,

and the 12 year old is going to Prison...

the Father is to blame as well--my Point here is not to place Sole blame on the Women--but WHEN there is Knowledge of Abuse, and there is Support offered, Advice, Someone telling you to at Least get a safe place the son can go so it Doesn't escalate or to Leave,

and they'd rather hear the Coddling and poor poor dear,

that to me is Childish, Irresponsible, and yes, a type of CHILD ABUSE.

Women, your Son should NOT be taking the role of your Husband, Protector, nor should your Daughter be taking the Role of your Mommy's Servant, Day Care provider, Maid or Slave or Wife substitute,

Submitting, Clinging, Coddling and REFUSING TO TAKE YOUR PART IN THE DYNAMICS THAT EFFECT MORE THAN JUST YOU--BUT CHILDREN,

is yes, Just as deplorable, in many ways, as the behaviors of Men.

It's ONE Thing when you Do know, you Do try, you Do intervene, and for money or his violence or what have you, you are stuck, I understand Those situations,

but I'm talking here about those Women who Rather than GROW UP AND BE A PARENT--OVER YOUR CHILDREN, you'd rather hang on to Please pray and Coddle me, at the EXPENSE OF YOUR CHILDREN, to save some Dead Marriage to an Asshole--at the EXPENSE OF YOUR CHILDREN, and you take NO STEPS TO SAVE YOUR CHILDREN,

YOU'LL TAKE THE STEPS TO 'SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE TO A LOSER'

BUT YOU SACRIFICE YOUR CHILDREN TO DO SO...

NO, I'm sorry, sorry I have to say this,

this is WRONG ON SO MANY ACCOUNTS...it's Hard for me to write this, I'd kind of like to just leave the original Vent post up--

BUT, I understand how damaging the patriarchal teachings of religion Are to women--I've been there...I know, what it is, I know what it is to Hang on to the hope that IF you just hold out and obey God and pray...things will change,  they Don't, and in fact, the Longer you stay the more Power he has, not only that when you Do leave, you already risk losing children--play into his hands, that risk goes Up, and NO the church does NOT care...they are THERE FOR THE MENZ...NOT FOR YOU AND DAMN SURE NOT FOR THE CHILDREN.

But what Gets me Peeved, is when Women DO KNOW, WHEN THEY'VE READ, DISCUSSED, AND THEY KNOW,

and yet they Still choose to NOT ACT to protect their children--because they Hang on to this Fairy Tale belief that God will magically Change Jerktard from a Beast to a Prince and the man will just bow and say Oh baby I'm soooo sorry...blah blah blah

yea What the fuck ever,

meanwhile the Kids get damaged for life--and in a situation where a near adult Son is on edge and it's escalating and Still the Mother is in denial,

I don't know--Stupid, all I can say it's just Stupid--but what Pisses me off, is when she is Told--this is Dangerous, get a safe place and leave NOW--

and she'd Rather hear Coddling--

and I know, that Son...is in a situation that needs intervention...

and religious others are Coddling her and saying, Oh poor poor dear--we'll pray

Fuck that--and we Wonder, why, a 12 year old boy Shot his parents, in a Christian community,

GEE, I FUCKING WONDER

IT'S CALLED

 DENIAL.

Jane

I WARNED YOU ABOUT BDSM CULTS, I WARNED YOU ABOUT CULTURAL RELATIVISM AND ISLAM PANDERING, AND I WAS RIGHT, HERE IT IS FOLKS--

PEDOPHILIA BY 'EXPERTS' IN WEST IS NOW BEING ARGUED TO BE A SEXUAL 'ORIENTATION' MEANING NOW IT CAN BE FOUGHT IN COURTS TO BE 'LEGALIZED'

DON'T FRICKIN! SAY, I DIDN'T WARN YOU....I DID FOR YEARS, WARNED ABOUT THIS IN THE SOCIALIST PARTIES, COMMUNIST PARTIES [ONLY TO BE SCOFFED AT, WHY I TOLD THE SOCIALISTS TO GO 'FUCK THEMSELVES' AND DAMN GLAD I DID]

[note to Christian readers here:  SORRY YES THE LANGUAGE IS A BIT CRUDE, BUT YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS WHEN THEY [MEN] RAPE CHILDREN, WHEN THEY RAPE WOMEN, WHEN THEY RAPE PROSTITUTES AND SEXUALLY TORTURE THEM--LOOK, IT'S VIOLENT, MISOGYNY IS VIOLENCE/MALE VIOLENCE TO WOMEN AND CHILDREN--SO IF YOU ARE CHRISTIAN I DO NOT SUGAR COAT MY ANGER HERE--MY BELIEF IS WOMEN ARE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT CUM DUMP PENIS ASHTRAYS FOR MENZ...AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY OT MENZ HAD CONCUBINES, THOSE WOMEN WERE VIOLENTLY RAPED AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THEY WEREN'T TORTURED, ANAL RAPED TILL BLEEDING, PROBED, TREATED LIKE DIRT--THEN YOU ARE ROMANTICIZING THE REALITY OF YES PROSTITUTION AND SEX SLAVERY AND THAT'S A HUGE PART OF THE PROBLEM, AND I AM AS A BELIEVER YES IN GOD, GOING TO BE VERY BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT IT--LANGUAGE AND ALL.  DON'T LIKE IT, THEN GET OUT THERE TO THE STREETS AND DEMAND MEN TO STOP RAPING AND DEMAND AN END TO PROSTITUTION, PORN CULTURE, RAPE CULTURE, TRAFFICKING, PEDOPHILIA CULTURE--OR SHUT UP, ABOUT MY STRONG LANGUAGE--I AM NOT POLITE NOR 'LADY LIKE' TO THE SUPPORTERS OF MISOGYNY AND MALE VIOLENCE.]  ok Back to what I was writing....

I WARNED ABOUT THIS IN FEMINISM, EVEN SOME RAD FEM SITES AND WAS TOLD I WAS SPEWING RIGHT WING RACISM, WHY DON'T YA KNOW, CAN'T OBJECT TO ISLAM OR CONFRONT/TELL ABOUT YES, FEMALE PEDOPHILES/OCCULT, ESPECIALLY IN THOSE OH MY

SSSSHHHHHHH  GODDESS CULTS  [ever hear of Butterfly Kisses, a female pedo Cult in CA that brags about how they Hunt for little girls, yea, because ya know being molested-raped by a Female isn't damaging, oh no, cuzz she don't have a dick--BULLSHIT, it DAMN sure is, in fact in ways it's far Worse--especially Since that attitude is so prevalent out there that it's not as 'bad' if it's female on female--IT'S VIOLATION OF CONSENT, BOUNDARIES, VIOLATION OF PERSONAL BODY SPACE, IT FUCKS WITH YOUR MIND FOR LIFE--most of all it GROOMS FOR A LIFE TIME OF BEING RAPED BY MEN...

I WARNED ABOUT THIS IN FEMINISM ABOUT THE RA AND IN THE BDSM-PORN CULTURE THAT IS OCCULT IN THIS NATION AND 

HERE IT IS...read it and Weep folks

OTTAWA, Ontario, February 28, 2011 (LifeSiteNews.com) – In a recent parliamentary session on a bill relating to sexual offenses against children, psychology experts claimed that pedophilia is a “sexual orientation” comparable to homosexuality or heterosexuality, a definition that was questioned by one Member of Parliament who was present. 

Bill C-54, an Act to Amend the Criminal Code, seeks to increase or impose mandatory minimum penalties or punishment on sexual offenders of children for particular crimes. 

This same argument has been used in Europe, and is growing--BTW, THIS IS WHY THEY SUPPORT ISLAM, JUST SO YA KNOW

see rest here:  http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/pedophilia-a-sexual-orientation-experts-tell-parliament 

and we Wonder why, Yes there are Many in the GLBT community that are ALL IN THE PANTIES OF POLITICAL ISLAM, those of the FAR LEFT BENT,

well Latest news, from one who KNOWS the Sexual TSA like but worse assaults on girls as young as 11 or less in former SOVIET UNION, speaks about this, in her post [taking from Amnesty International] about the Recent VIRGINITY CHECKS/TORTURE OF THOSE WOMEN, THAT SO MANY 'STUPID IN DENIAL RELATIVIST' feminists [who I say are TRAITORS!!!] said would see Change in EGYPT, yes those women who PROTESTED, INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY THINKING THIS 'NEW SHARIA LAW DEMOCRACY' HA HA, would bring them Change,

found out like Lara did, what Islam means by CHANGE,

sad to say, but I am NOT surprised...and of course, many of the IN THE PANTIES IN LUV CUM WITH ISLAM BOYS, WHO CLAIM HATE OF MEN HERE IN WEST, BUT OH, POO POO POOR PALESTINIANS AND EGYPTIANS MEN [NEVER MIND IF THEY RAPE WOMEN DAILY] WHO OF COURSE,

FUCKING SILENT ON THIS SHIT, fucking Treacherous hypocrites, I'm sorry, I FUCKING HATE THEM, I REALLY DO, FAR LEFTIST SELL OUT TRAITORS WHO BITCH ABOUT MEN BUT WHO LOVE THE DICKS OF LEFTIST MEN...especially if they are ISLAMIC--what's With that shit anyway, it's like the BDSM culture, What, do we

WANT TO GO BACK TO HAREMS?????????  IS IT SEXAAAY TO BE BOUND, GAGGED, STRIPPED NAKED, SOLD AND REPEATEDLY RAPED BY DESERT BOYS?  WHAT, WHAT IS IT, AM I MISSING IT SOMEWHERE???????  IS OUR HATE OF WESTERN MEN [RIGHTLY DESERVED] MADE US FUCKING

STUPID AND HORNY OR JUST HORNY OR WHAT?

Seriously women, CAN I ask this?  DARE I?  I'm talking here to YOU American Feminist, you Sex positive Fun Feminist or radical LEFTIST Marxist feminist with your bullshit Refusal to look at your OWN support of yes the Nigels, while bashing those other religious women for doing the same OR bashing those women who ARE married, with children, who many are at Least, not in some kind of Romantic DELUSION THAT SEX SLAVERY IS KOOL AND SEXY, just because LAWRENCE OF ARABIA WAS HOLLYWOOD HOT, 

I mean COME ON WOMEN

what the fuck, seriously....13 year old girl in CA runs away from home, her Dumb ass mother [Tough if you don't like my saying it As it is...Look, if a Woman wants to go BACK TO 7TH CENTURY B.C. SEX SLAVERY THAT'S HER BUSINESS, BUT DAMN SURE DON'T THINK I'LL BE SILENT WHEN SHE OR HE DRAGS SOME CHILDREN INTO THEIR FUCKED UP SHIT, I DON'T CARE WHAT RELIGION, WHAT GENDER, IDEOLOGY--GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF THE CHILDREN--fuck up your OWN damn life, NOT THEIRS]  converts to Islam, step father poo poo smuck decides to SELL THIS GIRL TO MARRIAGE TO SOME OLD PEDOPHILE PERVERT IN PAKISTAN, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW THEY BRING THEM OVER--

and that isn't the ONLY case...Luckily for this young KID, YEA, KID PEOPLE, she is in now Protective Custody but this Mother,

HOW many women are SELLING KIDS TO MUSLIM PEDOS FOR MONEY, BECAUSE THEY BOUGHT INTO THE 'ARABIA SEXAAAY TENT HAREM LIE??????'   MORE than you think,

 

ya baby cuzz don't ya know, Even though Historical FACT that Arab Muslims were All into Slave Trade all over Africa Way before Europe traded with guess who?  Arab Muslims, that's right, Who do you think SOLD EUROPEANS THE SLAVES?  ALIEN GREEN MEN?????  and now WE see women who think this shit is Sexaaaay because it's some revolt against Westernism, so OK cuzz ya dude SLAVERY IS JUST LIKE SO HIP AND ALL, I MEAN I GET ALL EXCITED THINKING ABOUT BEING A SLAVE, VAGINA ALL CUT UP, FORCED TO GO BACK TO 2000 B.C. UNDER SOME HITTITE OR ASSYRIAN CULTURE, OH YEA BABY, I MEAN COME ON WOMEN, LET'S GET WITH THE PROGRAM, DON'T YA KNOW, WE FREE THINKERS

ARE REPRESSED, WHY BACK BEATINGS AND ALL ARE JUST SO EXHILARATING!!!

and WHY AREN'T WE ON THIS?  

psssst....because it ain't PC that's why, because some on the Right speak against it, Why we must SACRIFICE WOMEN TO NOT BE EVEN REMOTELY ASSOCIATED AT ALL FOR HUMAN RIGHTS,

IF ANN COULTER[?--I'm no Coulter fan, don't read her nor know how to spell her name, hell I don't even watch news tv media, Sorry, but I see that argument Used a lot to Silence feminists who don't suck the dick of Fun Feminism and Porn Culture] SPEAKS ON IT,

give me a fucking break, no Wonder FEMINIST IS THE SORRY DEPLORABLE FUCKING STATE IT IS IN TODAY AND WHY IT IS ONLY THE SEPARATIST LESBIANS WHO HAVE ANY DAMN GUTS TO CONFRONT ANYMORE

BUT DAMNIT

IT FUCKING SHOULDN'T TAKE THAT EXTREME, FOR WOMEN TO SAY

WE ARE HUMAN

KNOCK THIS B.C. SHIT OFF AND NOW OR ELSE

in SUPPOSEDLY FREE AMERICA

and WE have a President that is backing these Sharia totin assholes all over the place, [going to war to instill even MORE radical SHARIA LAW Islam HEGEMONY is NOT progressive, DUH]

WTF

 religion aside--I have my own beliefs as to Why this is happening, but on a HUMAN RIGHTS LEVEL

this is utter BULLSHIT, to Hell with worrying about Plu 239 from Japan

I say, BRING IT, WE'VE GOTTEN TOO STUPID HUMANITY HAS,

BRING IT, PURGE THIS MISOGYNIST EARTH ONCE AND FOR ALL

BRING IT, ALL OVER--it is Time, 

because the Stupidity is just gotten so bad that HUMANS HAVE PROVEN, MEN ESPECIALLY

TO BE THE LOWEST OF THE ANIMAL-FOOD CHAIN, NO DOUBT, INFERIOR EVEN TO THE 

COCK ROACHES

and I do mean that.

the article, Egyptian Women, forced virginity checks [who so many luv with Islam hating Jew men feminist were just Pawning over months ago] and Torture--so much for that ole Democracy eh,  FILED ALSO UNDER MEDICAL-SOCIAL ENGINEERING/BDSM MIND CONTROL, Excerpt: 

Amnesty International has today called on the Egyptian authorities to investigate serious allegations of torture, including forced ‘virginity tests’, inflicted by the army on women protesters arrested in Tahrir Square earlier this month.  After army officers violently cleared the square of protesters on 9 March, at least 18 women were held in military detention. Amnesty International has been told by women protesters that they were beaten, given electric shocks, subjected to strip searches while being photographed by male soldiers, then forced to submit to ‘virginity checks’ and threatened with prostitution charges. ‘Virginity tests’ are a form of torture when they are forced or coerced. "Forcing women to have ‘virginity tests’ is utterly unacceptable. Its purpose is to degrade women because they are women," said Amnesty International. "All members of the medical profession must refuse to take part in such so-called 'tests'."

http://clarissasbox.blogspot.com/2011/03/virginity-tests-in-egypt-as-form-of.html 

yea, SO THE NEXT ARTICLE, on CHILD SELLING FORCED MARRIAGES ISLAMIC SHARIA STYLE SANCTIONS PEDOPHILIA--FACT, WHY LEFTIST MENZ SUPPORT THIS CRAP ESP IN COMMUNIST PARTIES, ETC--YES  it's from a right wing publication-- SO THE FUCK WHAT--DO THE DAMN RESEARCH, GET A CLUE

forced child marriages right here in good ole USA AND THEY ARE INCREASING

VIA ISLAM STYLE, NEXT--STONING AND FORCED FGMS AND LEFTIST FUN FEMINISTS WILL VOLUNTEER TO SHOW THEIR 'UNDERSTANDING' 

PUKE PUKE PUKE

http://frontpagemag.com/2011/03/17/forced-marriages-in-our-own-backyard/ 

the MORE I read this shit the MORE I'm tempted to commit Suicide to leave this planet,

I understand why those girls in Afghanistan say FUCK THIS SHIT--HAND ME THE TORCH, I'M OUT OF HERE,

I don't blame them ONE damn bit.

Let the men have their GOAT WIVES

YES I'M MAD, MADDER THAN A HORNET....no, THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED, IS WHAT I AM


I don't think this is so much about Feminism anymore than it really is about the EFFECTS OF FAR LEFT DICK SUCKING LUVING WOMEN WHO SOLD OUT TO THE LIKES OF RCP, CPUSA AND SPUSA, young Anarchist women who think it's so Hip to hate on Jews and be like


radical cool yea while of course, being anal raped by their MALE ARCHIST MEN, yea, MALE-ARCHIST, 


you know, it's NO different from Right Wing Christian women who luv ole Taliban fundie let's keep women pregnant twenty times Nigels--


and I find it AMAZING that some of the more RADICAL WOMEN, are either

full blown separatists lesbians [not the fun lesbian or bi types either] OR the believe it or not, Christian women who are Fighting this B.C. crap in the Dominion cult culture--that is also Porn related/BDSM style,

the others, I don't know, What kind of DRUGS ARE THEY GIVING YOU, SERIOUSLY, HEY I WANT SOME...BECAUSE IF YOU AREN'T CONCERNED WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING--

EITHER YOU'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY THE LEFTIE BOYS CLUB OR BEATEN TOO MANY TIMES WHILE ZAPPED BY THE ELECTRO PRODS OF BDSM,

which is it?

Feminist, WOMEN'S HUMAN RIGHTS ISN'T JUST ABOUT 'HAVING THE RIGHT TO ORGASM' LADIES

or Haven't you Heard yet?  

arrrrgh, must be a Generation thing or something, who knows, all I know is that I am Sick of it--it's depressing, it Triggers like a mofo and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep my mind from just splitting All over the place--  

the First hijacking of feminism I think, was the sales of bunnie vibrators and dildos [phallic worship] because you know it seems Something happened to women's brains, in this country

they got Stupid or somethin...it's One thing to be with children, poor, having to Do whatever to Survive,

it's quite another, to Willingly SUPPORT, EMBRACE, WORSHIP THIS MISOGYNIST CULTURE BECAUSE IT'S 'HOT' OR 'PC' OR 'OOOOH SO REVOLUTIONARY'

look, in Systems they KILL WOMEN--KILL, rape at Will with NO laws against, None, so Why in the Hell are we supporting, pandering, kissing the Asses of these Cultures Here in the West?  Why are we tolerating Pedos in Academia telling us [many of whom ARE survivors] that raping children is Hey a ok man, Oh that's right, Shulasmeth Firestone said it was OK--Dialectics of Sex, yea That's right, that was like Sooooo 

don't like these Photos, guess what, THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING DAILY, THOUGH IN REAL LIFE THERE WOULD BE BLOOD AND BRUISES AND WORSE--BUT THIS IS THE TYPE OF PROGRESSIVE SHIT THEY ARE PEDDLING AS 'THE IN THING' , BUT THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT TRAFFICKING, SEX SLAVERY, BDSM CULTURE WHICH IS YES PEDO CULTURE --I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY--AND SADISTIC CULTURE

EXPLOITATIVE SEXUAL INDUSTRY

AND IT'S GETTING WORSE, BECAUSE STUPID WOMEN TRAITORS ARE SUPPORTING THIS SHIT

PROGRESSIVE BABY  -- YA MOMMY, I WANNA BE A SEX BDSM SLAVE WHEN I GROW UP, RAPED BY PEDOS, OH YEA, DEAR GOD PLEASE SEE TO IT THAT I AM A SLAVE, BECAUSE FUN FEMINISTS AND 'RELATIVISTS' TOLD ME IT WAS SOOOOOO


PROGRESSIVE AND MENZ WILL LIKE ME.  I'LL BE AFFIRMED!  [sarcasm]

gee, I don't know--I just don't Think pedophilia, bdsm, rape, getting off on rape is Cool, Revolutionary or Sexually Liberating Anymore than being forced to lose one's clitoris and labia and half of their vagina, being forced to marry Anyone against your will, forced to be a Slave for life, forced to bear children, forced to wear a Prison garb and Never feeling the wind, air on your skin and risking Vit D illness,

TOTALITARIANISM AND FASCISM ISN'T COOL, PROGRESSIVE OR WOMAN FRIENDLY

what Part of that, do Feminists in the West NOT UNDERSTAND?????

you know, Maybe those who Opposed women's suffrage were RIGHT, not because Women were inferior, oh no, couldn't vote, oh no,

but because, WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT, THAT WOMEN WOULD BE THE ONE SPECIES TO VOTE 'OK' TO HER OWN ENSLAVEMENT????????? 

Susan B Anthony would be Rolling in her Grave if SHE could see us now--Women's Rights is Deplorable in this world, our Status is Horrid, some regions INSECTS HAVE MORE DAMN RIGHTS

but what is the proof of BRAINWASHING

IS THAT WOMEN, WILL FIGHT MORE FOR INSECTS AND DOGS AND CATS

THAN FOR WOMEN, AS HUMAN BEINGS.

unless it's of course, the right to Fuck Nigel in some Desert Harem somewhere, go figure
Jane 

MAKING PEACE WITH SELF THROUGH ACCEPTANCE, HOW GOD SETS ME FREE FROM PATRIARCHY SERIES

not posting-- writing wise today--like I normally do...will come back to, for now am re-centering focus, reflecting on many things, been talking, listening to God, about a lot of things, my struggle with self and living in this crazy world, and well, this one thing, I'd like to share today, IF anything just because, I truly believe HE deserves some credit for His amazing attention to detail, His consistent care and attention and patience because it took billions of years for all these elements to come together, wind molding, water softening, wind chiseling, ground shifting plates, to create all this beauty but not just beauty, but whole LIFE systems that WE depend on...that WE are a part of, and I more and more do NOT believe, that WE, humanity, are the Monopoly NOR are we at the 'top' of this chain of beings that God yes created...I think we Made ourselves to be that AT the expense of the planet, animals, each other


but I do NOT believe that GOD created us to Become what we have, but then, that through this Fish School of LIFE we learn, through our mistakes, just like children do...we learn by Knowing, because in the End of all of it, the Sum of All things, there IS a bigger picture and that is what Jesus has been showing me, through His grace, more and more.  It's a humbling experience, to say the least, to see Him in His Encompassing Everything, only way I know to say it.  I'm not talking here about religion or man's dogma or how man through the ages has perceived, though I do believe that all those things were and are progressive little steps, from a spiritual kindergarten to high school, a type of dialectical learning, unfolding, like how a rose starts from a root ball to a plant to a thorn to a bud to a opening flower...

These videos, there are no words necessary, except, one thing that God showed me, in the first, is that I can embrace my eye color [green/dark green/gold], my cliff like mountain nose, my way too thick wavy and wild dark auburn hair [though now it's more tree bark gray and dark brown] in a way that, I didn't really grasp before...I believe we are made in God's image, modeled a lot from how our Mother Earth and Father Earth is...the 'images' of media are false, those aesthetics that we Measure our self by, be it in mediums of t.v. or video or clay forms back in B.C., it is in my belief that we were created in the image of God, and that THAT image, is Very diverse to say the least.  So, here's to,

my Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, Earth Father, Earth Mother, in God  [if you click right key mouse, hit view in you tube window, then you can get full screen, it's WAY better, that way, just be sure to click view in you tube window, it should open up in new window,  This video, without going into detail, has some personal meaning for me, and it has to do with image.  Question is, where do we get our image from...or what IS image, some things for you to think about while enjoying these.

again, no words necessary...where so much of it began

In the Beginning...

Thank you Jesus,

to You, the glory always shines, though in love you never blast it, it's always there, I'm so sorry, I was so wrapped up in so much drivel to not really take notice, but like nature, you in patience and understanding, of our smallness, waited,

and showed me.

You show all of us, I think, it's not that You are invisible so much, maybe?  Maybe it's that, we don't see because of the board in our eyes and the hardness of our own hearts, life does that to us, some of us more than others, and the images we have of you are more than naught Constructs made by man for whatever reasons,

You've always been there, our Works show Who we are, but those Works I am seeing, take years, of being molded, chiseled, brushed, transformed,

and it requires patience.  The bigger picture, we are just a very, very small part of, but one thing we share, is Words,


what sets us apart, is the use of Words.  So, reflecting on this, may I learn to respect the power and life source of Words, not to take them for granted or lightly--in both thought and practice.


Maybe this is where more silence is needed, to listen, and learn...I am Sooo ready, to just shut up and


listen




Jane

HOW I FIND FREEDOM IN GOD EVEN THOUGH I LIVE IN A PATRIARCHAL WORLD SERIES PART I

Easy, Man Isn't My 'GOD' nor does Man Define GOD for or to me!!!

Yesterday I posted on this tree [pic below], and how Awesome God is, which HESHE is, anyhow, I realize that the mention of God can and does trigger for most women because God has always been defined By men and By yes, Patriarchal Constructs or Frames.   So I thought I would share a few things for next couple of days, of how I see God, why?  Because over the past couple of years it has been GOD who has set me free from so many of the patriarchal lies that bind women, even though yes, I still live in a patriarchal world and in fact in my own personal life still deal with yes, patriarchy, even misogyny.  I don't discuss my 'private' life on the web and I probably won't, I tend to be somewhat of a private person...However, all I will say, is that Yes I still deal with Misogyny on levels that it's still very painful, very frustrating AND IF, IF I went along with what Religion says [and there was a time I did attempt to 'mold' myself into man's doctrines] I would have been in a nuthouse long ago.  It was GOD and yes, even Jesus that gave ME the strength to DUMP all the constructs and be Free to just be--

now before I go on, I will say, I do not attend church [nor will I ever] nor am I what you would call a 'traditional' or 'western' Christian...I am of no denomination nor am I strictly 'by the book'.  And it is not my intention to 'preach here', but what I would like to do is redirect Focus, to some things that have Empowered me and aided me in being able to not only heal but see from eyes that no matter what horrors are in this world, those horrors do NOT have to hold a power Over me....

so, Beginning with this 'dancing tree', I would like to share with you how God has shown me, HIS HER sense of Humor, and so since I began with this tree, allow me to share with you these photos I stumbled upon yesterday....

this first one, how God feels about humans who Trash the environment, or who treat others nastily or who Ignore HisHer provision, detailed care, art in creation, etc., from a site called Tree Climbing Day [there are several odd trees, click on photo to go to link] but I am choosing the ones that LOL stood out to me, starting with the Ticked Tree

 

See God Does understand those times when I have just had enough of men's b.s. and I just wanna go, F You, oh God Does understand, believe me and has a great sense of humor to relay to me that maybe HESHE knows and understands ME more than I do sometimes,

then of course, there are some other hilarious displays of humor from yes, God's trees, like this one, LOL,

next time a Man comes on the scene, such as a feminist blog, just whip this out, ROFL, man thinks he has the monopoly on penis size, Ha, Ha, Don't think so

 

lol Couldn't resist that one, yes I would say GOD has one hell of a sense of humor alright, and HisHer 'size' lasts a hell of a lot more Time, He doesn't need any Viagra, Ever!  [yea so next time some MRA throws up male superiority, just plaster This on your blog, that should shut him up]

Oh and all this 'labia shame' b.s. that the Porn culture throws our way, GOD has something to say to you too, because GOD is dang proud of HISHER labia, clitoris and vulva, so proud that it isn't Covered up in shame

 

And they come in All shapes and  sizes too, so Next time some jackass man tells you, you don't measure up, tell him to shove a sock in his mouth because GOD begs to differ,

And gee Amazing isn't it, they aren't surgically 'altered' or mutilated, no GOD won't have any of That NONSENSE,  and if You don't like God's body image style OR HISHER creation of the Female Body,   then well, remember, 

OK that's just for starters, so you see GOD empowers my Body Image, I love my Body, Curves and all!  If you click on these photos there are numerous other trees with various nipple shapes, thigh shapes, penis shapes and vagina shapes...and Yes I believe with my whole heart GOD speaks to us all through Nature,  in Thousands of ways.  And you know the Awesome thing about Trees is that they provide shade, they provide ample branch strength to hold up rope swings so that we can fly and listen to the birds at the same time.

 

I spend a lot of time swinging Still, yes even at my age...this winter, me and Jesus made a deal that during snow I would swing...it's one thing I had not ever done, was swing during a snow storm, so it was a date, sure was, I was to make a thermos of hot cocoa [which I settled for tea since I didn't have any Fair Trade at the time--arrrgh, come on Grocery Stores get ON the ball with this, it like totally sucks having to go twenty miles for Fair Trade Choc], bundle down and first snowstorm head on out to the park.  Now it wasn't a tree swing, just a swing set at a local park but there is right near it a huge Oak tree, some Cottonwoods and Numerous Fir, Pine and Aspen trees.  So one afternoon it was snowing and so He told me, 'remember you and I have a date'  so I bundled up in layers with my long Camels Hair coat [that I purchased cheap at a thrift store years ago, it was made in Russia and it has lasted me for years and it is So warm, our winters can get a bit cold so the coat was I think a blessing, not my favorite color, the camel brown/beige but it is baggy, long and warm as toast.  And great for wearing bulky sweaters underneath].  So I bundled up, wrapped my  head up in my wool scarf so I could stay outside for a long time because long and WIDE, the key is Wide, wool scarves can be wrapped around where they don't fall off and yet still leave enough room if one wants to cover the face loosely so you can breath warm air back onto yourself...which helps when it's wind chill factor and below zero.  

And I headed off, I was hoping for large snowflakes so I could see the outlines of the shapes but the wind was whipping it  up so didn't get to see those [I have on a couple of occasions seen some amazing snowflakes, you know what you Can see with naked eye] but anyway so I began to swing, watching the snow grace the large Oak or Cottonwood? in front of the swing not too far away, don't have a photo but found one that is Kind of similar to give you an idea of what I was seeing [the one tree anyway]

 

having my talk with GOD and the next thing I know [without sharing all the details as this was kind of a special time for me] my attention is brought to watching the smoke come out of a chimney where a fireplace was burning...so I'm swinging in this snowstorm, warm but yes a Bit chilly so I could see the smoke from my breath, which I have always loved that--and so I'm watching this big Oak tree and the smoke billowing out from the fire chimney and it makes all these beautiful shapes, as If it was Dancing in the Snow, the snow was in no way This heavy but this was the only photo I could find that shows 'chimney smoke During a snow storm' so to give you an idea

So anyway I'm swinging, which Isn't as EASY to do when it's freezing outside, no matter how well one is bundled up, though it WAS beautiful, the air other than the wind was silent and the smoke would change colors from a whitish gray to a darker shade of almost this teal gray and it looked as if there was a ghost, laughing at all the houses with the people hunkered down inside--and all this time there is this ghost smoke being, from a fire inside, bellowing out, it was really amazing to just watch.  And then I thought of fire, how vital fire has been in the life of humanity but also how destructive the force of fire can be, you know the mind thinks all sorts of odd things, when contemplating God in nature...how distinct yet powerful HisHer forces are, how Dependent we are on them TO LIVE yet at the same time, those same forces can take us out...if ya know what I mean, kind of gives a Whole new meaning to the phrase mother's use,

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world",

LOL, except you see, when GOD says it, GOD can do it, and so, I'm swinging, watching the smoke, and then my breath, because that was another cool love I had and had talked to GOD about numerous times, some memories I had walking in winters growing up and how I would watch my breath, you see I walked long distances in the snow [yes I  had shoes lol] and Winter is one of my Favorite Seasons, Fall is my Favorite so anyway, I would take walks during Winter when I was younger [my back injury doesn't allow me to do as much now as I would like] and that included walks in day and numerous walks at night--I especially Loved night snow walks because how everything looked like it was covered in diamond flakes and the way the street lights would play with the shadows.  So the breathing...I'm sitting on this swing, took a break from swinging as I was tiring out [back injury there as well] and thinking images between my breath and then the smoke from the chimney fire, and then it dawns on me...

here's what our breathing looks like, now I chose this photo because even though it's a horse it's has good detail

 

You see the smoke right, from the breathing...well OK so I'm thinking on this, how GOD gives us LIFE in our breathe, through the air, how our heart beating with a time [like a clock] and how all that works, you know, how the Trees breathe back and how that whole cycle works, and then, I get a mental image kind of like this,

what I think is GOD's BREATH

 

Yea Yea I know, it's just the steam and mountains, blah blah blah, yea Whatever, lol, I don't see it that way, to me it's All ALIVE, from the trees to the blades of grass to the particles that make up the air, and so let me include these photos as well [click on photos to go to links, I'm just choosing them from images/google browsing--mentioning this because some of these are from photographers and they have several in their galleries]--

how GOD breathes in Snow

 

now She has a blog of her work, am including link here because I want to come back and look, it caught my eye, amyelkins.blogspot.com 

So, GOD breathing back to me, never thought of it that way before until that day...So you see, while Living in this screwed up misogynist patriarchal world, and having to have had to Deal with the PTSD from yes misogynist abuses, from past trauma, I know what it is to wrestle with the inner demons of hatred, resentment, Despair, and losing my Faith not only in humanity but in GOD too,

been there, done that, been in that Pit.  Religion didn't pull me out of the pit, if anything Religion helped to throw me into the pit and by religion I also mean man's ideals, man's philosophies, man's answers and including how man Defines GOD and tells us, has always told us who GOD is in Man's image of course,

while demonizing She, the Female, Woman, while demonizing her, controlling her, killing her and Erasing her.

But you know no matter How much Man and Man's systems erase, they cannot Erase our words, our Existence nor our Herstory, and they cannot Erase, GOD.  GOD as in HE and SHE.  GOD is everywhere, 

Nature is GOD's masterpiece, of art, literature, science, history, herstory [there is Reason those water vessels in women's graves are still around], and yes, even

humor.

Nature is GOD's gift to all of us Women--

whether we See it or not, is up to us, She in GOD won't force herself on us, yet SHEHE is always there...waiting, breathing always...His and Her love to us.

more to come, Peace,

Jane--edit, note

I wanted to show someone the photos here, links and when I clicked, links didn't show SO, I am adding links here, because I don't like to post photos without links...I hope other photos here have not left out link sites, but I will be sure to check from now on,

the tree [male penis and vulva trees] shown [there are several various photos of Mother Nature's trees and various body shapes] here:  http://duo.irational.org/international_tree_climbing_day/  BTW, my Intent here is not to do some Porn tree series, hardly, but to SHOW, the trees, being that they are also what give us LIFE in the oxygen we breath [without Trees, Tree of LIFE we DIE], we are made in 'their image' the Bible says, I believe all parts of our bodies are modeled after Something in yes Nature, that is why I show these, man has in his small mind/self hate projected hate and dominance over the female body, I want to show that our Body is something that is to be respected, not to be ashamed of either, but to see it in it's Total LIFE FUNCTION, just like in NATURE...

horse breathing in snow:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/rockandracehorses/3340881836/ 

storm cloud:  http://biggovernment.com/prahe/2010/12/10/economic-storm-clouds-on-the-horizon/  [I clicked it on google looking for face in cloud photos, was looking for a Particular one but couldn't find it, liked this one so, there ya go]

dancing tree  http://whisperingcraneinstitute.wordpress.com/2007/02/22/trees-we-do-not-like/

ticked off tree:  http://duo.irational.org/international_tree_climbing_day/day2008/

chimney smoke:  http://flickr.com/photos/rtct/2254118436/

Sorry about that, I just don't like to put photos here without the Credits, for some reason they aren't going to the Link when you click on them...so, from now on I'll be checking to make sure they do...the oak tree swing and the cottonwood or oak I remember getting from google images, when I find them I'll post the links.  Again my apologies to the photographers, it wasn't my intent to steal photos...that and I like to go to the links and look at the galleries and That is how I  noticed, so, OK,

to readers, sorry about the additional edit, hope you understand.  This is how I used to do each photo btw when I began this blog then they changed the format, and clicking the photo immediately sent you to the web site, but now that doesn't seem to work so either I'm not doing it right or something--but I'll look into it.  

Sincerely,

Jane